An Open Letter to my Friends and Family

It is with joy and a little sadness that I write to you this time of year; joy in the fullness of the Lord in my heart, joy in the blessings he's pouring forth in my life - sadness in that I find myself so far away from you. But it is the joy I choose to hold on to and focus on, stirring up the wonderful memories of yesterday and enjoying the ones from today as I look forward to those yet to come. 

I must admit that I do not keep in touch with those I love well enough; perhaps it is from some broken place within me, or maybe it's just how I'm bent. Either one will require intentionality on my behalf to do better. But please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always and that my heart is to reach out to you more than I do. 

I felt there was no better day than Christmas for me to reflect on the past year and share it with you. It has been an amazing time for me here at Bethel. Last year was all about stepping into a place of accepting who I am as a daughter, learning to love and see myself through God's eyes, and stepping into greater levels of faith and hope for what God wants to do in my life. Last year, also, was about me stepping out of fear and performance in my career. Most of you know that I lost my job in May, but the word of the Lord spoken through Shawn Bolz at the Creative Conference released the grace I needed to step into this season with confidence in God's provision over my life. 

This fall since coming back to Redding has been something new entirely. I have painted a picture of a tree on my wall that I feel is a prophetic picture of my life right now (see pictures). The winds of change are blowing me over; I am bent and swaying in the wind, my leaves are coming off and I am being stretched beyond what I ever thought I could be; and yet, my trunk is firmly planted and rooted in who I am in the Lord. 

I feel like these last several months have been a time of refining for me. Right before Halloween I felt the grace to fast, which I have had trouble with in the past because of my food addictions, but I felt this grace come on me for fasting and so I did, for 7 days I was on a strict liquid fast. I rarely felt hungry and I felt amazing during it, having only a few detox symptoms. But I got off the fast by having some of the kids' Halloween candy which led me to crash out. I went through a period of guilt and shame, but then broke agreement with that. But after that it seemed as if I was so sensitive to the spirit realm around me, as if I was affected by every little thing in the atmosphere. Things started coming up for me.... issues I thought I had already dealt with like overcoming my eating disorder and issues of self-hatred and feeling unloved, and the most glaring one, overcoming poverty to step into prosperity. It felt as if I was going around and around the mountain, not making any progress. But the Lord gave me a picture of this tree; the tree was me and there were all these dead branches that were being cut down and drug away and thrown onto his fire. I think that picture really helped me to realize that I am making great progress; that every time a pile is drug away and burnt I am being refined and brought to a place of wholeness that wasn't possible before. 

It's not been easy. When I got back to Redding this fall, I stayed with another single mom for 3 days. Not knowing where I was going to go, but feeling as if the Lord was telling me all summer that he was going to provide a house for us, I left her place to go to church. Before I pulled out of the driveway, a lady friend from MI called me to say that the Lord has put it on her heart to pay for our rent. We ended up in this beautiful house as a result (see pictures)!! I couldn't afford to live here when I was working - it was totally the goodness of God. This summer I also felt like the Lord was saying to me that, as in the days of Michelangelo, I would have a patron of the arts come forth to support me in this season of discovery that Shawn Bolz had spoken over me. Since then there has been one giant or another standing in the way of me inheriting that promise. It took me 3 weeks of fighting, moving from temporary place to place with my sons before we finally secured a house. After that, it was another week and a half before funding came in for me to start school. During that time I had a potential job offer come my way. The obvious thing to do was to take it, but I had nothing but anxiety every time I thought about it. Something was gnawing in me that that was not what God was asking of me. When I would ask God outright if I should take the job, I heard nothing. 

I made the decision finally to decline the job, stepping out in faith that God had different plans. He confirmed to me that next day at school through a lecture Bill gave that I had made the right decision. Since then it's been a game of catching up regarding finances; living off unemployment and paying things a month late in many cases. Most recently, before Thanksgiving, I decided to have a craft booth at the Bethel bazaar. I know God has spoken to me about painting being a stream of income for me, so I stepped out. I rented the booth for $20, brought my paintings to sell and I offered caricatures on the spot. It was fun, I had a great time ministering to people but I only made $30. Then in the parking lot as I'm packing up to leave, I accidentally backed into a woman's minivan who was parked in the middle of the street. My trunk was full and I had not seen the vehicle behind me. Because I was 2 months behind on my auto insurance I did not have coverage to file a claim, which brought about some interesting complications. Soon after I had a shut-off notice for my electric service, but because I had filed for my benefits for unemployment and had claimed the money I made at the Bazaar, it took them an extra week to get me my money. I had made a payment arrangement with the city I couldn't keep and so when the money came in the next day I went in they required $600+ to keep it on. I had to pay it which left me only $200 for other bills and food. 

But in the same breath, I must confess the goodness of the Lord so completely over me during these circumstances. Several times someone has brought me and my boys bags full of groceries. Others have handed me cash at pivotal times when I had nothing. Then, after the electric bill fiasco, a group I'm in took up a donation for me and it helped me get back on my feet. Then the kids grandma and dad sent extra money for Christmas so I could get presents for them. It's been amazing and challenging. I guess through it all I've wondered, as if waiting for some new revelation to be released that I can use to overcome. But that has been in error. God has shown me through these circumstances that He is and will always stay the same, that His heart and plans for me will never change, that I can truly trust Him. He's shown me that I'm already equipped; that it's the process of renewing my mind - using His truth and declaring that over my life in times of difficulty - that will help me to overcome. Somehow I forget that that is exactly the enemy's plan for me - to wear me down and get me to a point where I forget who I am and who God is for me. I'm well equipped. To overcome. Now. Today. The biggest challenge has been this prosperity thing; I have come from a poverty mindset to knowing that I am prosperous. It's an inside job; the heart and the mind. I have made that shift and I've remained generous regardless of my financial circumstances. But I have seen very little fruit of it so far. But it is coming; I can feel the shift taking place. 

Yesterday morning I got a new picture from the Lord that I felt was foretelling of this next season I'm coming in to. It was a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. The air was warm and sweet smelling, and tiny blossoms slowly floated around in the air around the tree as if in some sort of dream. It was a beautiful picture of beautiful promises yet to come that I cherish dearly. I wanted to share all of this because I want to be intentional, not only about reaching out to you, but about creating value for the process in my life. I don't ever want to put forth this face where I only show the good things that are happening. I want to be real about the challenges and struggles in my life, hopefully that you can draw from them some hope and faith for yourself. It's simple, but far from easy; God has chosen that we interact with him through faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. He has already overcome everything through the cross of Christ; these processes are now teaching us to step into those levels of overcoming that we need to in order to become Sons and Daughters, Kings and Priests. It is not God's punishment that puts me in these circumstances; it's his kindness. Because in His wisdom he knows that's how I am transformed from glory to glory. 

For those who don't know, I'm taking two tracks and two advanced tracks this year - can you say busier than a one-armed paper-hanger!! I'm in the Heaven in Business Track with Andy Mason where I have been assigned a team of people who are helping me form my dream into a business - to create the first ever prophetic arts magazine. The second is the Film Track which is part of Theresa Dedmon's creative track. The advanced tracks are the painting one with Theresa and the advacned film track with Matt & Joy Thayer. I am writing and directing my first short (less than 8 minutes) which is about beauty. I'll have an update soon on the status of those; but if you could pray for me in these areas: (1) that I would be led by the Spirit in all I create; (2) that I would pursue creativity from passion not money; (3) that I would make decisions from a place of daughtership and not out of fear or pressure; (4) that I would trust people and God to do their part, I can't do it all alone, I need other creative people in order to get where I'm going and create what he's put inside of me.  

These last weeks of 2014, I am being intentional about finishing things I've started this year; creatively, emotionally, etc., to prepare myself for what's to come. Paintings I started last year or earlier this year that are still unfinished I'm finishing one by one. As I do, I expect my being faithful in stewarding what God's given me to be fully rewarded. I fully expect my patron of the arts to come forth at exactly the right time. I fully expect the creative projects I'm working on to be successful. I fully expect to walk in divine health and nutrition this year as I pursue physical wholeness. I fully expect that the Lord's plans to prosper me are so much greater than what I can imagine on my own. I fully expect to meet my husband this year and for those desires of my heart to come forth. I fully expect the Lord's favor to be in all that I'm seeking to do and accomplish. 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Be blessed and know you are loved. 

XXOO, Jen, Michael & Max :-)

A Letter to Myself in Times of Trouble

Dear Jen,

I'm writing you this letter to remind you of who you are and whose you are from a place of faith and identity. Right now you feel good. Right now things are going well. Right now you feel loved, safe, protected, covered and adored. This letter is for all the times yet to come when the winds of change blow into your life and shake the very foundations of who you are, making you question everything. 

You are a most favored daughter of the King. The very one who breathed galaxies into existence fashioned you in your mother's womb. He delighted in putting the finishing touches on your special beauty and made you unique, unlike any other created being. You are beautiful. No one else carries the expression of Him that he pulled out from himself to make you. No one has your laugh, your skin, your hair, your eyes. You are a full spectrum of delight in your Father's eyes. 

This letter is to remind you of the Father's love over you. When times get tough, as they always do, this will give you hope and strength to find your faith again; faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in God. You are radically loved and highly favored. The Lord has worked many miracles at your hand, He's worked many miracles on your behalf. There has never been a situation in your life that He has not turned around for good. He has always been present, always watching, always acting on your behalf. His plans for you are greater than the most outrageous dreams you have for yourself, His thoughts about you - which are ALL good - are as many as the sands in the sea. He is kind and purposeful, everything He allows is from a position of absolute wisdom and nothing takes place outside of his authority. Now, when you're down and out that truth can feel brutal, hard, unloving. But the truth is, that He has given all authority back to his sons and daughters, and so the darkness of this world is not a result of His lack of love or involvement but it's a result of the lack of action by his sons and daughters. 

You have an enormous creative Destiny on your life. You were gifted with a measure of talents that carry a unique creative signature of God that no one else has been equipped with. (The same goes for every person ever created. Whether it's math, sales, decorating or raising a child, each created person has an expression of God's creativity that no one else carries. To live your life expressing yourself in the fullness of what He imagined for you is to reveal who God is to the rest of the planet. The world is waiting for you to reveal God). God has already set aside the provision and the equipment I need to accomplish the desires of my heart. In every circumstance, He's already extended an invitation for me to sit beside Him in the heavenly realms to see it all from His perspective. He is always talking and always Has a way through the problem. The enemy is not equal to God, he is a created being just like me. God has given the enemy limited access to me, allowing the enemy to craft his plans against me to release circumstances - but God uses them to teach me how to be a daughter, how to walk in my authority and to reveal His wisdom in the earth. There is nothing I'm facing right now that hasn't already been defeated on the cross of Christ. 

I'm writing this to myself because in the middle of circumstances I will forget. Somehow, each time I walk into a somewhat self-induced amnesia where all the good things the Lord has done to me, for me, with me fall away as I stare face to face with the enormity of the problem in front of me. But don't worry; God isn't surprised or offended by my reaction, He isn't left doubting His own goodness in my life. Rather I think He expects it, I think that's the essence of being human and being childlike. For a child is helpless on their own, fully dependent upon their parents for identity, instruction and survival. I rather think that He's waiting for us to realize our circumstances aren't about what is happening to us, but rather it's about who He desires to be for us. Every moment of pressure in our lives reveals who and what we really are beneath the surface, beyond the masks we wear and claims we make about ourselves. It is His kindness and wisdom that He allows who we are to be revealed so that we may relinquish control, confess our weakness and dependency upon Him, and in doing so enjoy the privilege of gaining His strength to overcome every circumstance as mature sons and daughters. 

This is the essence of what it means to be a child of God, and it is His plan for every child to be fashioned as such. Just remember, you are who you think you are within your heart. The battleground is in your mind. The process is simple but not easy. We take His thoughts and replace them with our own. We do that through His word, the bible, we do it through our conversations with Him, and we do it by being an active participant in His holy church, however flawed and broken she may be, through encouragement, prophesy and love for one another. So it's relative to say that in the midst of my storms, I need those around me who are armed and equipped with the word of God to speak truth into my life. That I am to use the weapons He has given me in this season to wage war on my own mind, to tear down and destroy every lofty thought that raises itself up against the knowledge of God. That I allow His sword of truth to perform its delicate surgery on my heart, cutting out the very thoughts, feelings and experiences that lie about who He wants to be for me; and replace them with those that testify throughout the ages about who He has been, who He is and who He is yet to be for me. 

This letter isn't just for me, it's for all of us. It isn't just true for me but for you as well. Where are you? Are you in a safe place of comfort and peace or are you being tossed to and fro by the tsunamis of life? Either way, take hold of who He Says He is, and even more take hold of who He says you are. If you don't know what He says about you, find someone who knows and ask them. If you know but are suffering temporary amnesia, slap yourself, grab a friend and remind yourself of the glorious history between you and become a child again. 

Great Start to 2nd Year

"I started up the long flight of stairs to the upper rooms where the Bethel offices are, my heart beating out of my chest with excitement. 'I've never been up here before' I thought to myself. Uncharted territory. I walk to the end and meet Christine who welcomes me warmly into her tiny but fashionable cubicle. Yes, I nod, as she explains the Financial Responsibility / Payment Agreement form, committing me to a monthly amount I can't afford. I pen my John Hancock. But all I can focus on in the moment is the fact that I'm in. I'm finally in. Second year is here. And God came through."

I'm gonna step out on a limb here and be prophetic and declare that this will be the theme of this year for me.... God came through!! I can't fully describe what this journey has been for me. First year was all about me, establishing my identity as a daughter in the kingdom. Wading in the deeper waters of God's love and purposes for me... beginning to believe that God's intentionality towards me is much greater than I could have ever imagined. So many lies broken off, so many truths put in their proper order as bad theology falls to the waist side. The only up side to having walked away from the church for 20 something years is that there's less skewed truths to unlearn. But the world has taught me instead, branding its own versions of purpose and truth, not any better and arguably worse than the alternative. But no more. The accuser has been silenced in my mind, he no longer has any ammunition in which to accuse God to me. And I now know that the constant accusations that go before my God about me from the enemy have never made a dent in his fierce love for and relentless pursuit of me. I am his and he is mine. Every dark night of hell I've ever walked through pales in comparison to the glory of being a daughter of the Most High King. Selah.

I would say the prophesy from Shawn Bolz is what did it for me. Gabe talked in school today about the still quiet voice of the Lord; and that's a good thing, and I want to be so aware of his presence that I can discern the smallest whisper from his direction. But this prophetic word was the opposite of a still quiet voice; God shouted to me from the highest rooftops!! He let me know very publicly that I am known; I am important; that he is jealously watching over his promises to me; that my family matters to him. There's nothing to compare to a moment like that, aside from seeing his face, which I know is coming. Selah. This word was like a lightening bolt straight to my physical body, my soul and my spirit all in one - it zapped me to attention. It took me from half ass knowing and believing that God was 100% behind me no matter what to absolute certainty. And yet as I confess that, I know there are yet greater levels of this revelation for me to experience. His rhema word for my life catapulted me forward into my destiny.

Part of the prophetic word was about how I was coming into a new season of discovery, where God was not putting any pressure of performance on me, where I would enjoy long life and enjoy this discovery process which would lead me into a new career. That very same day I lost my job of 11 years. God is so intentional; there are no coincidences. This was the very word I was to use to stir up my faith for the next several months and beyond. In addition to this prophetic word, God has been speaking to me through repeating numbers on the clock. I have researched the word and documented the correlating scriptures. I have to be real with you; it was so scary stepping out and deciding to travel back east without a job and with my two sons to care for. But I knew that I knew God was calling me to do it, and I wanted to so bad. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've done so far, and yet through it all, this unshakable peace was over me. Every time someone would question me, God would show me a number; and I'd be like, NO!! This is what God has said, this is what I am going to stand on!! I knew I wasn't alone, that he was with me. And if he's with me, who can be against me?

So I did it all; traveled and came back to Redding with no job and no home and no money. I kept feeling all summer like the Lord was going to provide me and my sons a home, but I had no idea what that would look like. I also felt like he was bringing forth my patron of the arts, which was a prophetic word from Cindy Jacobs for my creative class. These weren't shouts from the rooftops this time, but nudges; momentary thoughts; quiet impressions within my being, not totally sure what the source was. So I would ask myself, is God good? Is his greatest desire for me to trust him? Is his desire to bless me greater than my desire to be blessed? Is he intentional? Can I trust him? What's my history with him in this area? And those were the questions that would cause great faith rise up in me to believe for the impossible. I stayed 3 days at a friend's house and then left out, heading to church, not knowing where me and my sons would stay that night. That's when the phone call came. What you say? God inspired you to cover housing costs for me and my sons the entire school year? For how much a month? $2,000 a month? And God wants ME to pick out the place, huh. You. have. got. to. be. kidding. Wow. Above and beyond all I could ask or think. The house we are in now, I couldn't afford if I still had my job. What is this? It's grace.

Let me tell you about grace. It's scandalous. Why is it scandalous, you ask? Because it's offensive. Even the most mature, seasoned believers I've seen react with some measure of offense. You see, it's offensive that I get for free what others have worked an entire life for. It offends everything we know about hard work and reward and paying our dues and dotting all the "i's" and crossing all the "t's". Hell, if I'm honest, it would probably offend me. I've had many moments of uncomfortability for sure. But I circle back around to, "what are you doing God? What are you saying here? And I see the repeating numbers blinking at me on the clock, and I hear his still, quiet voice whisper, "I'm jealously guarding your promised land; I never take my eyes off it".

This Sunday's message from Kris shook me to the core. It really did. You know that comment I made earlier where I said that Shawn's prophesy over me took me from half knowing to fulling believing in God's intentionality towards me? Well, that was true until this message Sunday. Then that greater measure of revelation I was talking about happened. I felt as if it erased every doubt I had towards God wanting to provide for me. Let me explain. You know the prophetic word from Cindy I mentioned about the patrons of the arts coming forth, right? Well, I realized when I heard Kris's message, that I'd been standing in two camps; one camp is this declaring and believing for God to do it; the other camp is iffyland. Iffyland is that place where all the buts and what ifs come out. But what about this? What if it's not God's will? What if you're in presumption? Etc. The truth is there was this internal battle taking place, where half of me was sure God was speaking these things, that he wanted to break off performance and fear related to provision and my career, and that he was going to provide for me. The other half were all the voices: you need a job; it's irresponsible for you to not have a job when you have two boys to take care of; there's no free ride; you need to take care of you. I even felt that people who were supporting me secretly felt this way, I could feel it in our conversations. What Kris's message did for me (if you haven't heard it you totally need to!) was utterly convince me that for good, bad and ugly, God is for me; and he's for me to the extent that I allow him to be.

What do I mean? Let's say that it wasn't God's plan for me to come back to Bethel. But let's say that I so believed it was and so wanted to that I stepped out in faith believing God to show up. If I think about this logically, through the lens of God is good, then even if I get it wrong, I have a good daddy who's got my back, who is going to show up for his little girl who needs him, right? But most of us don't go there. Instead we say if we're wrong and out of God's will then he will withhold his blessing from us. Now stay with me for a minute; I know this is a slippery slope here, and I'm well aware there is a precedence for this. What I'm trying to get at is that for much of the body of Christ that I've observed, the will of God for our lives becomes this illusive, just out of our reach thing that God dangles ten steps in front of us. How is that a good God? That sounds like manipulation to me. If God wanted to manipulate us, why did he put two trees in the garden and not one?

My point being, using my situation as an illustration, I believe God showed up in such an extravagant way for me because I believed, I trusted, and I stepped out. I think that when we do that with a pure heart, holding his promises loosely in our hands, keeping a clean heart free from offense if he doesn't show up in the way we think he will, that he can't help himself but to show up to show himself strong. This whole thing of striving to figure out his will for our lives is toil straight from hell. It's not of God. Yes, there is required of us this process of discovery of ourselves and of God to begin to hear his voice; but there's not this obtuse objective he has for you that's so far removed from the desires of your heart that you have no clue. God made you. He put every desire in your heart from your favorite sports team to the big stuff. He intended that to be his fool-proof plan that leads us straight to him, not away. He likes the dreams we have and the ideas and the quirky thing we do when we're nervous or embarrassed. He loves how he made us.

And I believe that to the degree that I believe that, to the point that I step out in great boldness, willing to look foolish or get it wrong; and to the degree that I agree with the greatness he dreamed about when he made me - agreeing with these in greater measure gives me access to him, to his wealth and riches and gifts and goodness in greater measure. That's my theory anyway; that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know how it turns out. ;-)

Declaring Your Way Into a New Life

I was writing a friend and thought it was too good not to share, enjoy!!

Let me share some of my testimony. Since last Feb., on my 40th birthday, I kind of claimed this promise of the bible. I said, God, I'm gonna be like Caleb!! When I'm 80 I'm going to be as strong and healthy as I am today at 40! I'm gonna take my mountain!". And God was like, "that's awesome sweetie". I'm like "yeah baby! Whoo hoo!! Supernatural health! Come on Jesus! Do it!!" And then I heard Papa God say, "well what are you going to do?" And I'm like, "who me?" He's like "yeah you." I'm like "well God, it's supernatural right? I thought you were gonna do it." He's like "I'll do my part, but you have to do yours." And it hit me, wow. What's my part, right? 

So that's when I started my vegan diet. I gave up caffeine, meat & dairy and sugar, processed foods, etc. I did it for 3 months and felt better than I ever had before. But I was also having identity issues because of my weight. I only lost 10 lbs. during this lifestyle change and so I got very discouraged, even angry. I felt like I didn't know what the solution was, that I was just trapped in this overweight body forever and like I had no power to get out of it, right? So that was last summer. 

When I got to Bethel I'm like ok, I need to go after this again; I really want this. So I do. That's when I start talking to a friend with ViSalus (a nutrition company) and I do a bunch of graphic work for her and get a bunch of her product as payment. It's protein shakes and meal replacement health cookies and stuff like that. So I start having protein shakes every day and eating really, really healthy. I started making declarations over myself every day in this area and have been since October. But the problem is, is that I've got stuff going on internally that's not healed, you know? I have these lies I believed about myself that were actually holding me back from breakthrough, because we are body, soul and spirit. And when our soul is broken and unhealthy, it affects what happens to our body and our spirit. 

So throughout last fall, I'm getting breakthrough in these areas, through people prophesying over me, through group meetings and stuff. Mostly just being with God and giving this issue to him over and over and being still in his presence and quiet and allowing him to reveal truth to my spirit about who I am and who he is. 

So all this time now I'm making declarations over myself that I'm beautiful, that I'm healthy, that I love food that's good for me, etc., etc., and so last week Beni Johnson spoke to our class about nutrition and body, soul and spirit. It was so inspiring to me because I have been going after this thing hard for over a year now and I've not seen any changes in the physical!!! But the things she listed to do, many of them I was already doing. So I felt like God was saying, my darling, you are on the right track! Don't give up! You can partner with my spirit, he will lead you in this! I care about this issue in your life!! So I was like wow, ok God, I got it. Then this Sunday I'm attending my Prosperous Soul class and I'm sitting next to my girlfriend and her husband who just had a baby. And the guy who runs the class, his assistant, Stephanie is talking to my friend and my friend is talking about her health breakthrough she needs (which I already knew about). Basically, her whole family has been chronically ill now for years - they've had to fight off mold and parasites and weird stuff, they have 3 children plus the baby now. So they walk over to me, and Stephanie says to her, I really feel like Jen should pray for you in this area. I feel like she carries something in the spirit that's going to bring breakthrough to you. So I did, I prayed what God had just revealed to me from the Beni thing over her. And it was powerful.

That's what the prophetic is. Prophets in the bible basically judged and condemned the people of Israel. But actually the prophets job is to release the word of the Lord. In the New Covenant though, prophets are not to condemn and judge but to release identity and hope to the church, and to equip the saints in prophesy. 1 Cor. 14:1 says "Pursue love, yet desire earnestly spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy." We are all meant to prophesy. The office of a prophet (the five fold ministry) is for certain people and those are gifts Jesus gives us, but the Spirit gives us spiritual gifts like prophesy. So basically, prophesy is hearing God's heart for a person or place and releasing it for the purposes of exhortation and encouragement. We all are called to practice hearing God's voice and seeing what he's doing, then releasing that over others and recognizing each other in the spirit, because our spirit beings are way different than what we can see with our eyes. 

I gave you all that to say this: Stephanie saw me in the spirit; she saw things about me that had not yet manifested physically. That's the prophetic. She called it out and I received. What that did for me is to confirm that all this time I've spent declaring things in the spirit has not yielded nothing, as it appears in the natural. But something has been changing and is changing. We are called to live lives of faith. Faith is believing in what isn't yet seen. So I've been speaking out in faith believing that my words were powerful enough to change my physical body (circumstances). And although I haven't seen the physical change yet, God sent his messengers - my friends - to confirm in me to give me more hope and grace to keep pressing in.

I'm sharing this testimony because it's for you. My breakthrough is your breakthrough. You simply have to receive and believe, and begin to claim it for your own. Don't give up. Press in to the thing it is you are going after. God is with you, not against you. He is championing you on from the sidelines. He cares much more about the condition of our heart than our comfort. There is something you need to break through in the spirit to receive your breakthrough in the natural. Our words are powerful and they hold life and death in them. Choose your words carefully. Speak life, success, hope and victory over yourself in faith that the God you serve is one who is powerful enough to fulfill his promises. Because he so is. 

My Missions Trip to San Francisco 2014

I went to San Francisco. It was an amazing trip. Because I joined the team last minute I didn't really know or understand the goals or purpose and I didn't really feel like part of the team. I made some connections at first with a few people, but overall I felt like I didn't know my leaders or their vision for this trip. 

The first night one of my leaders, Krystal, asked us up front and told us to pick someone or multiple people out of the crowd and prophesy over them. Well her husband, Judah (the other leader) and myself, we got and gave a word for the whole group instead of individuals. I kind of got elbowed in the middle of mine and it shook me up a bit. I felt offense building up in my heart. Afterwards, during the debrief, Krystal talked to the group about not following the plan she had laid out. She explained that not doing so undermined her spiritual authority over the event and disrupted the flow of what she was feeling in the spirit that God wanted to release. She expressed her desire for us to operate out of a place of unity. I was trying to understand, but honestly part of me felt like that as a leader it was her job to encourage those under her to step out, and I didn't feel very encouraged. But I knew that regardless, that this wasn't my trip, I wasn't leading - I was there to serve; so I went low and adjusted my heart. 

There were a couple of other times after that where I had to do the same thing. Nothing major, just points of timing or whatever where I felt like she was being critical or overbearing or controlling. These were my feelings; which are fallible and they aren't the rudder in which we use to steer our lives. Me feeling someone is critical doesn't mean they are; it's my reaction to the situation. So again, I had to check my heart several times, reminding myself that I was here to serve, no matter what. So I did. But as the days passed, I grew more and more impassioned to be part of the group and not just the one. We had so much fun, laughing and playing games, giggling and dancing, acting like teenagers. It was truly the most fun I've had in years.

I have edited this blog because I want to say something about offense. I wanted to be brutally honest about my own heart offense that I dealt with because I think there's an important lesson here. We (humans) are a people of offense; we are easily offended. If we are not constantly checking our hearts and renewing our minds, we can find endless things to be offended about. With that said, I learned something powerful from my leaders, those on my team and even myself about offense and the power I have to not be offended. We can be in situations where someone else is in charge, and in those situations is always easy for us to insert ourselves into that place and think, "Oh this is how I'd do that, or that's how I'd do this." The only problem with that is, we are so busy critiquing and analyzing the situation that we're not fully engaged, but more importantly we're not submitted to authority, and therefore, we are undermining the team. So when I talk about any bumps in the road I experienced during this trip regarding offense, let me be clear - the one that needed correction was me. Because that's who I'm responsible for. That's the one I can change. What I discovered is that not only is it my responsibility to manage my offense, but it's also my responsibility to seek what it is I need in order to effectively come under that leadership.

So in this case, I didn't feel connected to my team or my leaders at first and didn't know their vision for the trip. So I waited, passively as a victim to be fed what it was that I needed, and when it wasn't it had a tendency to bring in more offense or entitlement. In retrospect, I can see that it was perfectly legal and probably wise for me to seek out that connection in order to be a functioning part of the team. I shouldn't have waited for my leaders to give their testimonies before seeking them out myself privately. I shouldn't have waited to submit my heart fully to their vision, thinking it was their responsibility to reveal that to me. That is the biggest thing that's changed me, is that I feel now that I am equipped, not just to do signs and wonders and to love well, which is great, but to know how to wholly submit myself under a leader and to seek out and get the things I need (connection) in order to do that wholeheartedly. A house divided cannot stand.  

For the most part, we went around to different churches and built up the leadership through prophesy and love. We went to Oakland to SUM, School of Urban Ministry, located in the darkest and most economically deprived place in the U.S. arguably. We had a chance to reach out to and love on and prophesy over young boys and girls from 12 - 17 yrs old. It was amazing. The leadership at SUM was amazing and we just poured out into them as they also poured out into us.

After that we had a chance to meet with a couple, Jen & Markus, who are German (husband) I think the wife is American (or Canadian?). Anyway, they have a ministry in an affluent part of the city where business people and a lot of retirees live. Their ministry as missionaries is to build community among these upper-middle class people just through love and doing community. It was an amazing experience for me because it gave eyes to a possible view of what my ministry might look like. We spent the day loving on them and encouraging their vision and mission. Markus took us on a tour of the city and gave us historical information on the city. I visited my first Catholic chapel; it took my breath away. We did a prayer walk around the city and called the city named after St. Francis to her rightful destiny. 

That Friday night, we went out into the tenderloin district, which is the highest homeless population in California I think. God really broke my heart for these people and gave me a special grace of compassion for them. Me and my partner went out together, armed with hot dogs and personal health items, to attack the city for God. Right away I came across this elderly man named Jerry. He was a veteran and had served in the war. He was disabled - one of his legs was considerably shorter than the other. He told me his story, that he had been hit while riding a motorcycle by limousine and had been left on the side of the road for eight hours. We just sat down with this man for like 40 minutes and listened to him. I tried to speak words of love and affirmation and identity, and I even prayed for his leg but nothing happened. I began to feel hopelessness rise up in my heart that I just felt like that there wasn't enough love that I could give this man that would break off everything that he had experienced in his life. I know after the fact that I'd partnered with a spirit of hopelessness; that what I bring is more powerful than what holds them, but honestly in the moment I was so paralyzed by their depravity and their homelessness and their pain that I just couldn't climb out of that place. 

Next we came across these two guys and they were selling the homeless newspapers. This one guy was drunk off his butt, but something about him captivated me. I saw a dimly lit sparkle in his eyes, not yet snuffed out by humanity. I saw past the person standing in front of me and I was able to see the person that he had once been and the person that he was destined to be. So I engaged him in conversation as my partner talked to his friend. He told me some of his story and then he told me that he was a poet. At that point I was so captivated, I said "hey I like poetry to I would love to hear your poem". When his friend heard that he was about to recite his poem, he said "man I'm out of here" and he turned around and walked away. But that did not phase me. I stood there and looked at him as if he were George Clooney and I was his greatest fan, as he began to recite this gritty, real, beautiful poem. I stood in awe as I listened and when he was done I asked him if he would say it again and allow me to record it. He said yes as long as I didn't steal it, that it was copyrighted. I promised I wouldn't. So I listened again, recording a piece of this man's soul that the world may never know. Then I said goodbye and walked away. At the end of the night I was just broken and weeping for these people. I told my leaders how hopeless I felt and couldn't stop crying. Krystal said God had given me a grace of compassion for the homeless. At first, I felt confused because I feel called to minister to the elite of this nation, not the homeless. As the week went on, I seriously pondered what that might mean. 

The next night, my friend Rachel, was sharing her experience of the day prophesying over this waitress in a donut shop. Then my other friend Dorothee prophesied over her that this girl was homeless in the spirit. I knew God was talking to me. I realized that what I'm attracted to as far as ministry is homelessness, either natural or spiritual. I began to ask The Lord what spiritual homelessness looked like. Then he took me to my life. To be homeless, you have to have first had a home. I knew God as a girl; the Holy Sprit touched my heart, and I gave my heart to Jesus. But wrong ideas about the nature of God and myself led me to abandon that out of pain and desperation. It could mean that those who have the most in this world, that many of them, although wealthy in the natural, have an extreme poverty of the spirit. Perhaps it means those who once knew truth in part and then the world ripped it from their hands; maybe both, I'm not sure. But I know it when I see it because I was it. And that's the grace God has put on my life, to love those who have fallen away into darkness. 

One night we demonstrated honor to a church by setting up stations where we helped facilitate honor to one another, through knighting, the washing of feet, prophesying, prophetic art, etc. It totally shifted the atmosphere in the place and love filled the room. At another church, we spent the night there with the pastor. His hunger for the more of God was so great and his heart to serve was staggering. I danced with flags the first day we were there, something I've never done and I felt the atmosphere shift as a result. God has been speaking to me about me being a dancer. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl, but I disqualified myself because of my body type. He has been showing me the power of my dance to break strongholds in the spirit. Powerful revelation. 

The second to the last night we went to the Castro district of San Fran, this is the homosexual area of the city. A group of us went into this bar and began to worship and minister. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN! At first some of us went to the small dance floor which was full of grinding same sex couples, mostly men. As we danced, the Holy Spirit was being released. There were probably 3 or 4 couples in the place making out, by the time we stopped dancing those couples had left the bar. The whole atmosphere in the place shifted. When we first came out there, there was this small platform place where these two guys were dancing. One of them grabbed my hand and pulled me up there, I thought to dance with me but he left me there. So I danced unto The Lord!! At one point there was this guy (dressed like a girl) on the dance floor by himself. Judah said he wanted to go minister but was afraid he'd think he was trying to hit on him. So I said, I'll go out there, and I did. I just started dancing and smiling - I leaned in and told him that he was beautiful, that he had an amazing aura around him that people felt safe in his presence. He began to open up. Steve came out and took him back to the table to buy him a drink so Judah and him could tag team. They prophesied over him and even exchanged contact info. It was amazing. I just want to say that this night really shifted things for me about what ministry looks like. I think heterosexual couples are in just as much need of the shifting of atmospheres, the love of the Father and the freedom the Holy Spirit brings as homosexuals are. All sexual sin is the same in God's eyes, and it all separates us from Him. I see clearly now how bringing love into every part of society is what we are called to. The days of calling out people's sin from the bleachers (is) needs to be over. We are to immerse ourselves into a world dying for identity, solutions, love and light, while staying connected to the source of it all. 

But I think the most powerful night was when Krystal shared her testimony from the pulpit. She had never shared it publicly before. It rocked the house, and me. Krystal had been through some pain in her life that I could really relate to. She talked about Jesus walking her out of that season as her husband. I was on the floor weeping for an hour after she was done. I knew there was pain in my heart I was keeping hidden from Jesus. A tiny bit of that pain was from past relationships, but the majority was pain from my brothers death. It was such a powerful experience. 

Since I've returned, Jesus has been speaking to me about me inviting him to be my husband. I thought I had already and was in that season, but the truth is, I have never been in a relationship where I felt safe under a man;'s covering, where I felt safe for them to lead or where I even allowed them to lead. And until I allow Jesus to show me how to be a good wife to him, I'm not ready to be anyone else's. I've been asking him practically how can I do this. I feel like he's asking me to ask him into the daily decisions that I make, the small decisions. So I'm trying to think what would it look like for me to invite him into these areas. 

I feel like he's saying, I am here for you and everything that you have to do I am here I want to help you - you don't have to make these decisions on your own or in your own strength alone. So I'm thinking of how I felt at different points in different relationships in the giddy phase when I'm so in love and so excited to be around that other person that I literally sit and wait for them to decide what it is that they want us to do in that moment. Here are some thoughts:

In the morning when I wake I roll over and I kiss them to say good morning what do you want to do today.

When we rise and dress together we decide what the day is going to look like we do it together because we can't stand to be apart from one another.

I hear Jesus saying I'm not like all the rest. When you need help with dishes and cleaning the house and paying the bills and fixing dinner, I'm here for you; invite me, invite me in to do these things with you and I will help you. You're not alone. You don't have to carry the weight by yourself. But more than that, I'm here to listen; I care about what's going on it your heart, I want to please you in every way and teach you to please me. If I'm going to lead you have to trust me to lead. 

I just realized that for years I've been inviting God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit to come and watch me do things but it's not often that I invite them to come and do things with me.  When it comes to the fun stuff I usually ask them to participate, but when it comes to the work I don't ask; I assume that I have to do it alone, that no one is ever going to help me with those things and that's just the way it is. Jesus is telling me that's not the way that I wanted it to be. I never intended for you to carry that part all by yourself. Regardless of marriage no marriage. Come and know me as the bridegroom who helps to make your burden light and easy. Come and know me as the passionate lover who cares about the things that you care about, who cares about helping, who is not just going to sit on the sidelines and watch you do it all by yourself. That is not the God that I am. Come, experience me as a God who works not just a God who is. 

I feel like too that God is speaking to me about individuality. Been working on my own for so long that I have lost the art of working well in a team. Don't feel like I'm part of the team, in my job feel like an outcast. My missions trip really changed that for me where I felt connected; I felt the power of coming under someone else's vision and authority and direction and I proved that I could be part of the team and it would be enjoyable and more rewarding than anything that I can accomplish on my own. I feel like Jesus is inviting me to experience teamship - what it means to partner with someone or a group to accomplish greater things than I can ever accomplish on my own. 

What does that look like God? What is it look like for me to dream in connection with the whole? Don't feel like I've found my group don't feel like I know yet where I'm going to be at after graduation so I don't know how to dream of those dreams outside of myself including others. Help me God, help me to dream in community to dream my dreams with others in mind. Help me to give you all my pain, my joy, my love, my passion. Help me to know you as the bridegroom; that it wouldn't just be a term I throw around, but that I would allow you to teach me about intimacy and trust and covering and how to be a woman and not taking control when it's not my turn to do that. I know that in order to experience the fullness of what you have for me, I have to learn this. And I want to. I want to know that I know that when I make the decision to be someone's wife that I have what it takes and frankly that they do too. You make me wise, Lord; I am the head, not the tail; you tell your friends what you're doing. There is no mystery you will not reveal to me if I seek it out from a pure, surrendered heart; including and especially the workings of my own heart.

Identity and Dreams

It's been a while since I updated everyone on my adventures here in Redding, so I thought now would be a good time. This past week has been life-changing for me in so many ways.

God has been speaking to me about my identity and speaking to me in dreams.  Last Friday, an intern for the Prosperous Soul classes came over to my house to help me work on a budget, but we ended up working on heart issues. The things that were coming up for me were areas I'd already dealt with, but apparently God wanted to do more surgery. I was surprised at how tender I got right away with issues from my childhood and about my dad. The intern said, "I don't usually do this but I want to invite Holy Spirit to come in and rewire these memories for you." And as she was saying that, I saw Father God's finger and the tip of it was covered in flame and he began touching my heart in all these places, cauterizing the wounds. Soon there were dozens of these big, ugly scars forming inside my chest. I heard God say I want to leave these scars. I asked him why and he said here, I'll show you.

He took me back and we zoomed out on my chest and he began to move the scars around and formed a beautiful portrait out of them. My only response was wow. It blew me away. If it's not obvious, I could really see more intimately than I ever have before how God is able to take the darkest things in our lives and transform them into something beautiful. I felt like in that moment, he was showing me that as horrible as some of those experiences were, they are what has in part shaped me over the years and has given birth to so many passions and cries in my own heart for justice and truth in these areas. Amazing.

Since I got here in Redding last fall, I've been having reoccurring dreams about having a baby or giving birth. Last Saturday night was the third dream now about that. In the dream, I wasn't visibly pregnant, but I gave birth to two babies, twins, a boy and a girl. The girl I wanted nothing to do with; someone came and took her from me right away and I felt like she didn't belong to me. I then turned my focus on to the boy, and I remember such love and affection overwhelming me for the boy. Then the dream ended. I woke up like, what the crap? Because I love kids and babies and would never reject a girl. I was like what in the world does this dream mean? So the next day I met with my small group and told them about it and they prayed for God to reveal the meaning to me. After they prayed, my mind was taken to my pregnancies with both of my boys and I saw myself say that I was glad I was having a boy (each time) and I said that I thought raising a daughter to have a healthy self-esteem was impossible. I felt compelled to repent for believing that lie and I also repented of the lie that it was somehow bad or less than to be a girl. At the time, I didn't know why I was prompted to do that, other than God revealing to me a lie.

Tuesday comes and I'm sitting and listening to something, music or a sermon, and I have this picture come to my mind out of nowhere. It was a picture that was taken before I was born. I've seen this picture before in a photo album many times in my life. It's a picture of my older sister Rachel, and she's standing next to my bassinet. The bassinet is blue. I remember the story my mother told me about it, that they were expecting me to be a boy - they had bought all boy stuff. Now let me be clear; I can never remember a time as a child or adult where my mother ever said she'd wished I was a boy. The next thing my mind goes to is a flashback to my teen years. I went through this phase where I hated my body and used to wear boys clothes - oversized t-shirts and jeans or pants. And immediately, something rose up in my spirit and I knew instinctively the interpretation to the dream.

The twins in the dream are me. The baby girl represents subconsciously my belief that all women hate themselves and even the best of mothers aren't able to help their daughters grow up loving themselves. The baby boy represents the age-old lie of that serpent, "whose enmity is between him and womankind", that men are superior to women, that men are favored and honored above women. That the natural tendencies of women are some how less valued or respected than those of men. The tricky part here is that both of these "lies" have been experientially true, not just for me, but for the most people on the planet since the fall of man in the garden of Eden. But I now know that it has NEVER been God's heart for women and that's not his heart for me.

God revealed this lie in my life so that I could be free to another level. For those who know me, you know I've been fighting this battle my whole life, for identity and significance as a woman, to discover what real beauty is, how to walk in that and release that wherever I go. The twins in the dream are also the true me that God is trying to reveal and the lie me that the enemy has been trying to get me to agree with even before I was born. The idea that strikes me to the core is that we have a real enemy, and that he has plans and purposes for our lives, just like God does. Those plans and purposes are sickness, destruction and death, because that's the path he has chosen for himself. But just like God revealed to me in the scar illustration, his plans and purposes for me are eternal and unmovable; the goodness he has planned for my life can never be take away from me, unless I never see them, know about them, and never agree with them.

So thrity-something years of my life I spent not knowing about and really "getting" the idea of this. I let the abuse and pain of my life give birth and marry entitlement to my wrong-sufferings to produce bitterness, anger, depression and confusion in my life. I thought if there was a God and he was good, how could he let these things happen to me and to those I love. It was never God's plan to rescue me from the plans of the enemy so I could escape them. It was his plan for me find him, to come to him willingly, to give up all that I am to him so that I could gain all that he is. And from that position I would be empowered with his grace and love to overcome any and every obstacle, not just for my own freedom but for the freedom of the whole world. Imagine an army of Christ-believers who know this and understand this to their core; who are so centered in their identity in God that they can endure the blessings and curses of life and remain in control of themselves; powerful, free and responsible, breaking down the chains of the enemy, freeing the prisoners and setting the captives free.


The more God reveals to me about myself, the more in love I fall with the idea of me, who I was created to be, and with the "Who" who created me. I don't regret one single moment or experience of my life, because the very things sent to destroy me have become my greatest areas of victory. God is not surprised; it was his plan all along. I feel this dream is not just for me, but it's a prophetic message to every woman and man who has ears to hear. God is calling his daughters forth. He created us to be beautiful and strong and nurturing and wise and powerful and gentle and creative and emotional. God is calling forth his sons, to embrace the power and beauty of women; to celebrate their differences, to honor their bodies and their hearts, to acknowledge and value the differences that set us apart from them, and by making a place at the table, not for us to replace them but to co-reign with them as God intended all along.

MEDITATION ON JOHN 3:19-21

The true test of a follower of Christ is not necessarily shown by the absence of sin, but by a fierce love and commitment toward the light. A willingness - constantly recommitted, moment to moment, day to day - to submit every thought, word and deed to the cleansing power of the purest light in the universe, exposes that which was hidden, rendering it powerless. 

Through the simple act of lifting up my darkest thoughts, my worst words and my most selfish deeds into the light that is Christ, everything that does not reflect light loses it's power and cannot stand in opposition to the righteousness of God. The perfection that the apostle Paul talked about is not being without sin in and of itself, but in the voluntary process of submitting our darkness to the light until it is no more. 

"And this is the judgement: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light so that it may be clearly  seen that his works have been carried out in God."

That's the conundrum. No one who does evil wants the light to hit those things. So the difference between a pure heart and an evil heart is not one who has no sin, but one, who by virtue of their will, chooses the light, which requires humility. Voluntarily exposing things that bring shame is and act of humility which leads to repentance; with true repentance coming in through the repetition of admission of it, submission of it to the light, which brings about the change of direction; effectively exchanging shame for joy, ashes for beauty, mourning for gladness. 

God takes what was once conceived in darkness, through the act of humility in repentance, and through the blood of Christ it is transformed into an act carried out in God. That's the truest picture of grace I can imagine. Taking the very ugliest of things in me and transforming them into His righteousness. But unless I change my mind - which is my acknowledgement of my need for his grace - and decide that I want to love his light and risk the humiliation of exposing my darkest things to it, then I render his grace powerless in my life. 

Preparing for Victory

Reading Exodus Chpt 15. The morning after the Egyptian army was swept away in the Red Sea, Moses led the people in a song to The Lord. 

Chpt. 15:14-17 "The peoples have heard; they tremble; pangs have seized the leaders of Moab; all the inhabitants of Canaan have melted away. Terror and dread fall upon them; because of the greatness of your arm, they are still as stone, till the people pass by whom you have purchased. You will bring them in and plant them on your own mountain, the place, O Lord, which you have made for your abode, the sanctuary, O Lord, which your hands have established."

The second half of the song is prophetic. The people of Israel were actually singing prophetically about the victory to COME; the people mentioned in the song are those who are currently occupying the Promised Land. But instead of hearing their own declaration of victory in their song, they believed the bad report that came back from the spies, and as a result they spent 40 years wandering in the desert when that was never God's intent. He had prepared immediate victory for them. 

We know that singing and praise and thanksgiving is warfare because that's how we enter His gates and the enemy cannot touch us when we are in His Presence. Why didn't Israel realize this? If they had pondered in their hearts the song The Lord put in their mouths, they would have believed The Lord strong to bring them into the Promised Land. 

We all face giants in our lives. They are our struggles, adversaries, fears and obstacles. God does not send these to us, for they are the work of the enemy; but God uses the very things that are meant to destroy us to become our greatest victories, which then become an anointing in our lives to break others free from the same things we have overcome. If I do not understand this; that God has already secured my victory in this area, I will not have the confidence to stand and sing the song of victory he has declared over my life for that circumstance. 

So when my giants are present in the land The Lord has said is to be mine, I should lend my ear to hear the song of praise he has actually prepared for me to sing. That is what I stand on when fear knocks at my door and bad reports come my way. How can we know what that song is? Well; what are his prophetic promises for you? What scripture is he leading you to? What worship or praise songs are touching your heart right now? Take those and compile your song of victory and sing it until The Lord shows himself strong. 

I'm Powerful and Free to Understand My Needs

I had a dream last night. In the dream, I had a miniature elephant, giraffe and chimpanzee that I had to take care of. The lived in a small glass aquarium. I was so intrigued by them that I cracked open the lid to touch them, and the chimp climbed out and ran off. I immediately chased after it to try to catch it. I remember feeling like part of me wanted to let it run free, observing that the container they were forced to live in was woefully inadequate and quite inhumane. But on the other end, I remember feeling this pressure like whoever was in charge would be upset at me and I had to follow the instructions given to me. As I ran after the chimp, I glanced over and noticed now the other two had escaped. I finally rounded them up and put them back in their container. The scene changed and I was now in my home (which looked nothing like my home) but I had to clean and prepare for something but the mess around me felt so big and I felt overwhelmed to tackle it on my own. It looked like a city dump or an abandoned warehouse where piles and piles of stuff lay everywhere, all needing my attention. 

I asked the Holy Spirit this morning what these meant. I feel like the safari animals represent my trip to South Africa. I feel like what God wants to do is so much bigger than the container I have for it. I'm also feeling that the things I want to experience feel out of my control, that I'm having to contain them instead of let them run free. For the second part, I feel like the mess that feels so big in my life is my finances. I feel like my financial needs are mounting and mounting on top of one another, each one trying to bring with it another layer of hopelessness to tackle it. I feel like the latter is a familiar spirit, like Ben Armstrong was talking about last week in class, and I have to stand in opposition to it.

I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me this morning to lay out my needs. During our Core Value review last week for Free and Responsible there's a point under "What Does It Look Like?" - and one that caught my eye in class was #3: "We understand our needs and are honest at expressing them. We create plans to have our needs fulfilled in healthy ways and restrain from meeting our needs in unhealthy ways." Now, right away that might come across as a cue to avoid immorality or physical pleasures in an unhealthy way. Well I'm not struggling with any of those and I felt the Spirit guiding me to apply this toward my situation. I feel him saying, "Your financial needs, as well as your needs to express your creativity are legitimate needs. Look at your dream; how does this core value apply to your needs? How are you going to CHOOSE to apply it to them?" And I'm like wow; ok. 

So I felt like I have this incredible opportunity and obligation to dredge the bottom of my soul and bring to the surface all of my needs currently going unmet, and to lay them before the Lord and give his fire permission to fall upon them.

I have $217 in my bank account. Not enough to take care of my needs and my son's needs until I get paid again.

I need $1275 by Wednesday of next week (Jan 29) to pay for my ticket to South Africa or else I'm off the team. That's the grace period absolute deadline. 

I need another $1000 by Feb. 18th for the reminder of the trip.

I need just under $1000 to pay off the rest of my BSSM tuition.

I need $300 to pay off a utility debt from TC that I could not afford to pay off when I moved.

I stopped paying back my student loan last Nov. because of finances. I need a solution for that. I have $20K of student loan debt and no degree to show for it.

I need to be acknowledged and celebrated on my birthday this year. I feel like expressing this need is somehow "cheating"; that people who care about me should do it automatically without having to be reminded. 

I am still needing male mentors for my sons. I know God has heard my cry in this area, but I feel like this need is being ignored and overlooked.

I feel (somewhat) hopelessly boxed in by the program structure at BSSM; I feel like I don't have the freedom to pursue multiple creative outlets at once. Even as I look ahead to 2nd year, I feel like I'm having to sacrifice all my other creative desires in order to pursue one. There's not necessarily something wrong with how it's set up, I'm just expressing a need. 

I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated in the area of health and achieving a healthy weight for myself. I've changed my diet and adding more exercise, but not seeing great results. 

It sucks to be this super vulnerable. It's painful and embarrassing to admit I have needs that I can't fulfill on my own. 

OK God; I give all of these to you. I know your plan is better than mine. I want to trade up. I want everything you have for me. The beloved of God knows (that's me) that a problem cannot occur without a promise and provision also being present (thanks for reminding me Graham Cooke)!! So, as David did in the Psalms, I have to encourage my soul in The Lord. So what's the truth to these needs? The truth is, God's my provider; he's not going to leave me hanging in the wind, in fact he's already released provision for my current circumstances. My focus needs to be in positioning myself to receive what's already there. The truth is, God's already promised to provide for my missions trip and my tuition. My focus needs to be on what he is saying about this in my life right now. Listening and seeing what he's doing and wants to do in the spirit. The truth is, he has plans to prosper me, not to harm me, to provide a hope and a future for me. The truth is, I'm highly favored and loved and God has plans to radically bless me on my birthday this year because he loves me. My family and friends love me as well; I don't need to do anything to earn that. The truth is we are meant to live in community and get our needs met in and through other people, not just me and God, which frankly would be SO much easier ;-). The truth is, God is providing my sons everything they need; he is filling in the gaps of our lives and making them perfect in his sight. He has plans to bring the right male influences in their lives and I am free to continue to trust him to fulfill his word. The truth is, I'm focusing on the creative endeavors God wants me to; that I'm not missing out on anything; that he has a plan for every desire he gave me to express my creativity. The truth is, I am beautiful regardless of my body weight; that there is a solution to achieving a healthy weight that God has for me, and declaring and pressing in in this area is key. 

The truth is - I've been declaring victory in these areas (most of them) for almost a year now. The truth is, every time I agree with heaven, something in the spirit changes.  And what happens in the spirit affects the natural. Things cannot stay the same. Lord I just leave all of these at your feet. Give me what you've already prepared for me. Show me how to receive. Giving is so much easier because it only requires a willingness to give and involves no rejection. But receiving requires that I believe I'm worthy to receive; it requires that I see myself through the lens of heaven - which says I'm a queen, created to rule and reign on this earth. It requires me to believe in Christ's power, displayed trough me - that my words were meant to shake the very foundations of hell and break loose the shackles of bondage to powerlessness. Despite my circumstances; I agree with heaven. I agree with who you say I am God, I agree with the power you have given me, I agree I'm a good steward of every resource you give me, and I agree that my words today are shattering the strongholds of the enemy around my life. I agree with the abundance of resources my Father says is mine. I agree I am wealthy in every area of my life and that I give generously out of that abundance. Your word is Truth, God. Your promises are true and real and for me. Thank you for your goodness towards me Jesus. Thank you for taking everything I deserved and giving me everything you deserve in its place. What a humbling reality. 

So this is me processing out loud today; I just feel like there's so much power in vulnerability. That our weapons are vulnerability and humility and trust. My weakness is made perfect through his strength. When I am openly weak, I give him permission to pour out his strength. That's when the magic happens; when the wonders of our imaginations take flight and become real. I hate the process; yet I'm called to love it because it brings me into perfection in Christ. So I choose to love it. It's always my choice. Make me brave, Lord, to keep choosing.