My Missions Trip to San Francisco 2014

I went to San Francisco. It was an amazing trip. Because I joined the team last minute I didn't really know or understand the goals or purpose and I didn't really feel like part of the team. I made some connections at first with a few people, but overall I felt like I didn't know my leaders or their vision for this trip. 

The first night one of my leaders, Krystal, asked us up front and told us to pick someone or multiple people out of the crowd and prophesy over them. Well her husband, Judah (the other leader) and myself, we got and gave a word for the whole group instead of individuals. I kind of got elbowed in the middle of mine and it shook me up a bit. I felt offense building up in my heart. Afterwards, during the debrief, Krystal talked to the group about not following the plan she had laid out. She explained that not doing so undermined her spiritual authority over the event and disrupted the flow of what she was feeling in the spirit that God wanted to release. She expressed her desire for us to operate out of a place of unity. I was trying to understand, but honestly part of me felt like that as a leader it was her job to encourage those under her to step out, and I didn't feel very encouraged. But I knew that regardless, that this wasn't my trip, I wasn't leading - I was there to serve; so I went low and adjusted my heart. 

There were a couple of other times after that where I had to do the same thing. Nothing major, just points of timing or whatever where I felt like she was being critical or overbearing or controlling. These were my feelings; which are fallible and they aren't the rudder in which we use to steer our lives. Me feeling someone is critical doesn't mean they are; it's my reaction to the situation. So again, I had to check my heart several times, reminding myself that I was here to serve, no matter what. So I did. But as the days passed, I grew more and more impassioned to be part of the group and not just the one. We had so much fun, laughing and playing games, giggling and dancing, acting like teenagers. It was truly the most fun I've had in years.

I have edited this blog because I want to say something about offense. I wanted to be brutally honest about my own heart offense that I dealt with because I think there's an important lesson here. We (humans) are a people of offense; we are easily offended. If we are not constantly checking our hearts and renewing our minds, we can find endless things to be offended about. With that said, I learned something powerful from my leaders, those on my team and even myself about offense and the power I have to not be offended. We can be in situations where someone else is in charge, and in those situations is always easy for us to insert ourselves into that place and think, "Oh this is how I'd do that, or that's how I'd do this." The only problem with that is, we are so busy critiquing and analyzing the situation that we're not fully engaged, but more importantly we're not submitted to authority, and therefore, we are undermining the team. So when I talk about any bumps in the road I experienced during this trip regarding offense, let me be clear - the one that needed correction was me. Because that's who I'm responsible for. That's the one I can change. What I discovered is that not only is it my responsibility to manage my offense, but it's also my responsibility to seek what it is I need in order to effectively come under that leadership.

So in this case, I didn't feel connected to my team or my leaders at first and didn't know their vision for the trip. So I waited, passively as a victim to be fed what it was that I needed, and when it wasn't it had a tendency to bring in more offense or entitlement. In retrospect, I can see that it was perfectly legal and probably wise for me to seek out that connection in order to be a functioning part of the team. I shouldn't have waited for my leaders to give their testimonies before seeking them out myself privately. I shouldn't have waited to submit my heart fully to their vision, thinking it was their responsibility to reveal that to me. That is the biggest thing that's changed me, is that I feel now that I am equipped, not just to do signs and wonders and to love well, which is great, but to know how to wholly submit myself under a leader and to seek out and get the things I need (connection) in order to do that wholeheartedly. A house divided cannot stand.  

For the most part, we went around to different churches and built up the leadership through prophesy and love. We went to Oakland to SUM, School of Urban Ministry, located in the darkest and most economically deprived place in the U.S. arguably. We had a chance to reach out to and love on and prophesy over young boys and girls from 12 - 17 yrs old. It was amazing. The leadership at SUM was amazing and we just poured out into them as they also poured out into us.

After that we had a chance to meet with a couple, Jen & Markus, who are German (husband) I think the wife is American (or Canadian?). Anyway, they have a ministry in an affluent part of the city where business people and a lot of retirees live. Their ministry as missionaries is to build community among these upper-middle class people just through love and doing community. It was an amazing experience for me because it gave eyes to a possible view of what my ministry might look like. We spent the day loving on them and encouraging their vision and mission. Markus took us on a tour of the city and gave us historical information on the city. I visited my first Catholic chapel; it took my breath away. We did a prayer walk around the city and called the city named after St. Francis to her rightful destiny. 

That Friday night, we went out into the tenderloin district, which is the highest homeless population in California I think. God really broke my heart for these people and gave me a special grace of compassion for them. Me and my partner went out together, armed with hot dogs and personal health items, to attack the city for God. Right away I came across this elderly man named Jerry. He was a veteran and had served in the war. He was disabled - one of his legs was considerably shorter than the other. He told me his story, that he had been hit while riding a motorcycle by limousine and had been left on the side of the road for eight hours. We just sat down with this man for like 40 minutes and listened to him. I tried to speak words of love and affirmation and identity, and I even prayed for his leg but nothing happened. I began to feel hopelessness rise up in my heart that I just felt like that there wasn't enough love that I could give this man that would break off everything that he had experienced in his life. I know after the fact that I'd partnered with a spirit of hopelessness; that what I bring is more powerful than what holds them, but honestly in the moment I was so paralyzed by their depravity and their homelessness and their pain that I just couldn't climb out of that place. 

Next we came across these two guys and they were selling the homeless newspapers. This one guy was drunk off his butt, but something about him captivated me. I saw a dimly lit sparkle in his eyes, not yet snuffed out by humanity. I saw past the person standing in front of me and I was able to see the person that he had once been and the person that he was destined to be. So I engaged him in conversation as my partner talked to his friend. He told me some of his story and then he told me that he was a poet. At that point I was so captivated, I said "hey I like poetry to I would love to hear your poem". When his friend heard that he was about to recite his poem, he said "man I'm out of here" and he turned around and walked away. But that did not phase me. I stood there and looked at him as if he were George Clooney and I was his greatest fan, as he began to recite this gritty, real, beautiful poem. I stood in awe as I listened and when he was done I asked him if he would say it again and allow me to record it. He said yes as long as I didn't steal it, that it was copyrighted. I promised I wouldn't. So I listened again, recording a piece of this man's soul that the world may never know. Then I said goodbye and walked away. At the end of the night I was just broken and weeping for these people. I told my leaders how hopeless I felt and couldn't stop crying. Krystal said God had given me a grace of compassion for the homeless. At first, I felt confused because I feel called to minister to the elite of this nation, not the homeless. As the week went on, I seriously pondered what that might mean. 

The next night, my friend Rachel, was sharing her experience of the day prophesying over this waitress in a donut shop. Then my other friend Dorothee prophesied over her that this girl was homeless in the spirit. I knew God was talking to me. I realized that what I'm attracted to as far as ministry is homelessness, either natural or spiritual. I began to ask The Lord what spiritual homelessness looked like. Then he took me to my life. To be homeless, you have to have first had a home. I knew God as a girl; the Holy Sprit touched my heart, and I gave my heart to Jesus. But wrong ideas about the nature of God and myself led me to abandon that out of pain and desperation. It could mean that those who have the most in this world, that many of them, although wealthy in the natural, have an extreme poverty of the spirit. Perhaps it means those who once knew truth in part and then the world ripped it from their hands; maybe both, I'm not sure. But I know it when I see it because I was it. And that's the grace God has put on my life, to love those who have fallen away into darkness. 

One night we demonstrated honor to a church by setting up stations where we helped facilitate honor to one another, through knighting, the washing of feet, prophesying, prophetic art, etc. It totally shifted the atmosphere in the place and love filled the room. At another church, we spent the night there with the pastor. His hunger for the more of God was so great and his heart to serve was staggering. I danced with flags the first day we were there, something I've never done and I felt the atmosphere shift as a result. God has been speaking to me about me being a dancer. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl, but I disqualified myself because of my body type. He has been showing me the power of my dance to break strongholds in the spirit. Powerful revelation. 

The second to the last night we went to the Castro district of San Fran, this is the homosexual area of the city. A group of us went into this bar and began to worship and minister. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN! At first some of us went to the small dance floor which was full of grinding same sex couples, mostly men. As we danced, the Holy Spirit was being released. There were probably 3 or 4 couples in the place making out, by the time we stopped dancing those couples had left the bar. The whole atmosphere in the place shifted. When we first came out there, there was this small platform place where these two guys were dancing. One of them grabbed my hand and pulled me up there, I thought to dance with me but he left me there. So I danced unto The Lord!! At one point there was this guy (dressed like a girl) on the dance floor by himself. Judah said he wanted to go minister but was afraid he'd think he was trying to hit on him. So I said, I'll go out there, and I did. I just started dancing and smiling - I leaned in and told him that he was beautiful, that he had an amazing aura around him that people felt safe in his presence. He began to open up. Steve came out and took him back to the table to buy him a drink so Judah and him could tag team. They prophesied over him and even exchanged contact info. It was amazing. I just want to say that this night really shifted things for me about what ministry looks like. I think heterosexual couples are in just as much need of the shifting of atmospheres, the love of the Father and the freedom the Holy Spirit brings as homosexuals are. All sexual sin is the same in God's eyes, and it all separates us from Him. I see clearly now how bringing love into every part of society is what we are called to. The days of calling out people's sin from the bleachers (is) needs to be over. We are to immerse ourselves into a world dying for identity, solutions, love and light, while staying connected to the source of it all. 

But I think the most powerful night was when Krystal shared her testimony from the pulpit. She had never shared it publicly before. It rocked the house, and me. Krystal had been through some pain in her life that I could really relate to. She talked about Jesus walking her out of that season as her husband. I was on the floor weeping for an hour after she was done. I knew there was pain in my heart I was keeping hidden from Jesus. A tiny bit of that pain was from past relationships, but the majority was pain from my brothers death. It was such a powerful experience. 

Since I've returned, Jesus has been speaking to me about me inviting him to be my husband. I thought I had already and was in that season, but the truth is, I have never been in a relationship where I felt safe under a man;'s covering, where I felt safe for them to lead or where I even allowed them to lead. And until I allow Jesus to show me how to be a good wife to him, I'm not ready to be anyone else's. I've been asking him practically how can I do this. I feel like he's asking me to ask him into the daily decisions that I make, the small decisions. So I'm trying to think what would it look like for me to invite him into these areas. 

I feel like he's saying, I am here for you and everything that you have to do I am here I want to help you - you don't have to make these decisions on your own or in your own strength alone. So I'm thinking of how I felt at different points in different relationships in the giddy phase when I'm so in love and so excited to be around that other person that I literally sit and wait for them to decide what it is that they want us to do in that moment. Here are some thoughts:

In the morning when I wake I roll over and I kiss them to say good morning what do you want to do today.

When we rise and dress together we decide what the day is going to look like we do it together because we can't stand to be apart from one another.

I hear Jesus saying I'm not like all the rest. When you need help with dishes and cleaning the house and paying the bills and fixing dinner, I'm here for you; invite me, invite me in to do these things with you and I will help you. You're not alone. You don't have to carry the weight by yourself. But more than that, I'm here to listen; I care about what's going on it your heart, I want to please you in every way and teach you to please me. If I'm going to lead you have to trust me to lead. 

I just realized that for years I've been inviting God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit to come and watch me do things but it's not often that I invite them to come and do things with me.  When it comes to the fun stuff I usually ask them to participate, but when it comes to the work I don't ask; I assume that I have to do it alone, that no one is ever going to help me with those things and that's just the way it is. Jesus is telling me that's not the way that I wanted it to be. I never intended for you to carry that part all by yourself. Regardless of marriage no marriage. Come and know me as the bridegroom who helps to make your burden light and easy. Come and know me as the passionate lover who cares about the things that you care about, who cares about helping, who is not just going to sit on the sidelines and watch you do it all by yourself. That is not the God that I am. Come, experience me as a God who works not just a God who is. 

I feel like too that God is speaking to me about individuality. Been working on my own for so long that I have lost the art of working well in a team. Don't feel like I'm part of the team, in my job feel like an outcast. My missions trip really changed that for me where I felt connected; I felt the power of coming under someone else's vision and authority and direction and I proved that I could be part of the team and it would be enjoyable and more rewarding than anything that I can accomplish on my own. I feel like Jesus is inviting me to experience teamship - what it means to partner with someone or a group to accomplish greater things than I can ever accomplish on my own. 

What does that look like God? What is it look like for me to dream in connection with the whole? Don't feel like I've found my group don't feel like I know yet where I'm going to be at after graduation so I don't know how to dream of those dreams outside of myself including others. Help me God, help me to dream in community to dream my dreams with others in mind. Help me to give you all my pain, my joy, my love, my passion. Help me to know you as the bridegroom; that it wouldn't just be a term I throw around, but that I would allow you to teach me about intimacy and trust and covering and how to be a woman and not taking control when it's not my turn to do that. I know that in order to experience the fullness of what you have for me, I have to learn this. And I want to. I want to know that I know that when I make the decision to be someone's wife that I have what it takes and frankly that they do too. You make me wise, Lord; I am the head, not the tail; you tell your friends what you're doing. There is no mystery you will not reveal to me if I seek it out from a pure, surrendered heart; including and especially the workings of my own heart.