Identity and Dreams

It's been a while since I updated everyone on my adventures here in Redding, so I thought now would be a good time. This past week has been life-changing for me in so many ways.

God has been speaking to me about my identity and speaking to me in dreams.  Last Friday, an intern for the Prosperous Soul classes came over to my house to help me work on a budget, but we ended up working on heart issues. The things that were coming up for me were areas I'd already dealt with, but apparently God wanted to do more surgery. I was surprised at how tender I got right away with issues from my childhood and about my dad. The intern said, "I don't usually do this but I want to invite Holy Spirit to come in and rewire these memories for you." And as she was saying that, I saw Father God's finger and the tip of it was covered in flame and he began touching my heart in all these places, cauterizing the wounds. Soon there were dozens of these big, ugly scars forming inside my chest. I heard God say I want to leave these scars. I asked him why and he said here, I'll show you.

He took me back and we zoomed out on my chest and he began to move the scars around and formed a beautiful portrait out of them. My only response was wow. It blew me away. If it's not obvious, I could really see more intimately than I ever have before how God is able to take the darkest things in our lives and transform them into something beautiful. I felt like in that moment, he was showing me that as horrible as some of those experiences were, they are what has in part shaped me over the years and has given birth to so many passions and cries in my own heart for justice and truth in these areas. Amazing.

Since I got here in Redding last fall, I've been having reoccurring dreams about having a baby or giving birth. Last Saturday night was the third dream now about that. In the dream, I wasn't visibly pregnant, but I gave birth to two babies, twins, a boy and a girl. The girl I wanted nothing to do with; someone came and took her from me right away and I felt like she didn't belong to me. I then turned my focus on to the boy, and I remember such love and affection overwhelming me for the boy. Then the dream ended. I woke up like, what the crap? Because I love kids and babies and would never reject a girl. I was like what in the world does this dream mean? So the next day I met with my small group and told them about it and they prayed for God to reveal the meaning to me. After they prayed, my mind was taken to my pregnancies with both of my boys and I saw myself say that I was glad I was having a boy (each time) and I said that I thought raising a daughter to have a healthy self-esteem was impossible. I felt compelled to repent for believing that lie and I also repented of the lie that it was somehow bad or less than to be a girl. At the time, I didn't know why I was prompted to do that, other than God revealing to me a lie.

Tuesday comes and I'm sitting and listening to something, music or a sermon, and I have this picture come to my mind out of nowhere. It was a picture that was taken before I was born. I've seen this picture before in a photo album many times in my life. It's a picture of my older sister Rachel, and she's standing next to my bassinet. The bassinet is blue. I remember the story my mother told me about it, that they were expecting me to be a boy - they had bought all boy stuff. Now let me be clear; I can never remember a time as a child or adult where my mother ever said she'd wished I was a boy. The next thing my mind goes to is a flashback to my teen years. I went through this phase where I hated my body and used to wear boys clothes - oversized t-shirts and jeans or pants. And immediately, something rose up in my spirit and I knew instinctively the interpretation to the dream.

The twins in the dream are me. The baby girl represents subconsciously my belief that all women hate themselves and even the best of mothers aren't able to help their daughters grow up loving themselves. The baby boy represents the age-old lie of that serpent, "whose enmity is between him and womankind", that men are superior to women, that men are favored and honored above women. That the natural tendencies of women are some how less valued or respected than those of men. The tricky part here is that both of these "lies" have been experientially true, not just for me, but for the most people on the planet since the fall of man in the garden of Eden. But I now know that it has NEVER been God's heart for women and that's not his heart for me.

God revealed this lie in my life so that I could be free to another level. For those who know me, you know I've been fighting this battle my whole life, for identity and significance as a woman, to discover what real beauty is, how to walk in that and release that wherever I go. The twins in the dream are also the true me that God is trying to reveal and the lie me that the enemy has been trying to get me to agree with even before I was born. The idea that strikes me to the core is that we have a real enemy, and that he has plans and purposes for our lives, just like God does. Those plans and purposes are sickness, destruction and death, because that's the path he has chosen for himself. But just like God revealed to me in the scar illustration, his plans and purposes for me are eternal and unmovable; the goodness he has planned for my life can never be take away from me, unless I never see them, know about them, and never agree with them.

So thrity-something years of my life I spent not knowing about and really "getting" the idea of this. I let the abuse and pain of my life give birth and marry entitlement to my wrong-sufferings to produce bitterness, anger, depression and confusion in my life. I thought if there was a God and he was good, how could he let these things happen to me and to those I love. It was never God's plan to rescue me from the plans of the enemy so I could escape them. It was his plan for me find him, to come to him willingly, to give up all that I am to him so that I could gain all that he is. And from that position I would be empowered with his grace and love to overcome any and every obstacle, not just for my own freedom but for the freedom of the whole world. Imagine an army of Christ-believers who know this and understand this to their core; who are so centered in their identity in God that they can endure the blessings and curses of life and remain in control of themselves; powerful, free and responsible, breaking down the chains of the enemy, freeing the prisoners and setting the captives free.


The more God reveals to me about myself, the more in love I fall with the idea of me, who I was created to be, and with the "Who" who created me. I don't regret one single moment or experience of my life, because the very things sent to destroy me have become my greatest areas of victory. God is not surprised; it was his plan all along. I feel this dream is not just for me, but it's a prophetic message to every woman and man who has ears to hear. God is calling his daughters forth. He created us to be beautiful and strong and nurturing and wise and powerful and gentle and creative and emotional. God is calling forth his sons, to embrace the power and beauty of women; to celebrate their differences, to honor their bodies and their hearts, to acknowledge and value the differences that set us apart from them, and by making a place at the table, not for us to replace them but to co-reign with them as God intended all along.