I'm Powerful and Free to Understand My Needs

I had a dream last night. In the dream, I had a miniature elephant, giraffe and chimpanzee that I had to take care of. The lived in a small glass aquarium. I was so intrigued by them that I cracked open the lid to touch them, and the chimp climbed out and ran off. I immediately chased after it to try to catch it. I remember feeling like part of me wanted to let it run free, observing that the container they were forced to live in was woefully inadequate and quite inhumane. But on the other end, I remember feeling this pressure like whoever was in charge would be upset at me and I had to follow the instructions given to me. As I ran after the chimp, I glanced over and noticed now the other two had escaped. I finally rounded them up and put them back in their container. The scene changed and I was now in my home (which looked nothing like my home) but I had to clean and prepare for something but the mess around me felt so big and I felt overwhelmed to tackle it on my own. It looked like a city dump or an abandoned warehouse where piles and piles of stuff lay everywhere, all needing my attention. 

I asked the Holy Spirit this morning what these meant. I feel like the safari animals represent my trip to South Africa. I feel like what God wants to do is so much bigger than the container I have for it. I'm also feeling that the things I want to experience feel out of my control, that I'm having to contain them instead of let them run free. For the second part, I feel like the mess that feels so big in my life is my finances. I feel like my financial needs are mounting and mounting on top of one another, each one trying to bring with it another layer of hopelessness to tackle it. I feel like the latter is a familiar spirit, like Ben Armstrong was talking about last week in class, and I have to stand in opposition to it.

I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me this morning to lay out my needs. During our Core Value review last week for Free and Responsible there's a point under "What Does It Look Like?" - and one that caught my eye in class was #3: "We understand our needs and are honest at expressing them. We create plans to have our needs fulfilled in healthy ways and restrain from meeting our needs in unhealthy ways." Now, right away that might come across as a cue to avoid immorality or physical pleasures in an unhealthy way. Well I'm not struggling with any of those and I felt the Spirit guiding me to apply this toward my situation. I feel him saying, "Your financial needs, as well as your needs to express your creativity are legitimate needs. Look at your dream; how does this core value apply to your needs? How are you going to CHOOSE to apply it to them?" And I'm like wow; ok. 

So I felt like I have this incredible opportunity and obligation to dredge the bottom of my soul and bring to the surface all of my needs currently going unmet, and to lay them before the Lord and give his fire permission to fall upon them.

I have $217 in my bank account. Not enough to take care of my needs and my son's needs until I get paid again.

I need $1275 by Wednesday of next week (Jan 29) to pay for my ticket to South Africa or else I'm off the team. That's the grace period absolute deadline. 

I need another $1000 by Feb. 18th for the reminder of the trip.

I need just under $1000 to pay off the rest of my BSSM tuition.

I need $300 to pay off a utility debt from TC that I could not afford to pay off when I moved.

I stopped paying back my student loan last Nov. because of finances. I need a solution for that. I have $20K of student loan debt and no degree to show for it.

I need to be acknowledged and celebrated on my birthday this year. I feel like expressing this need is somehow "cheating"; that people who care about me should do it automatically without having to be reminded. 

I am still needing male mentors for my sons. I know God has heard my cry in this area, but I feel like this need is being ignored and overlooked.

I feel (somewhat) hopelessly boxed in by the program structure at BSSM; I feel like I don't have the freedom to pursue multiple creative outlets at once. Even as I look ahead to 2nd year, I feel like I'm having to sacrifice all my other creative desires in order to pursue one. There's not necessarily something wrong with how it's set up, I'm just expressing a need. 

I'm feeling discouraged and frustrated in the area of health and achieving a healthy weight for myself. I've changed my diet and adding more exercise, but not seeing great results. 

It sucks to be this super vulnerable. It's painful and embarrassing to admit I have needs that I can't fulfill on my own. 

OK God; I give all of these to you. I know your plan is better than mine. I want to trade up. I want everything you have for me. The beloved of God knows (that's me) that a problem cannot occur without a promise and provision also being present (thanks for reminding me Graham Cooke)!! So, as David did in the Psalms, I have to encourage my soul in The Lord. So what's the truth to these needs? The truth is, God's my provider; he's not going to leave me hanging in the wind, in fact he's already released provision for my current circumstances. My focus needs to be in positioning myself to receive what's already there. The truth is, God's already promised to provide for my missions trip and my tuition. My focus needs to be on what he is saying about this in my life right now. Listening and seeing what he's doing and wants to do in the spirit. The truth is, he has plans to prosper me, not to harm me, to provide a hope and a future for me. The truth is, I'm highly favored and loved and God has plans to radically bless me on my birthday this year because he loves me. My family and friends love me as well; I don't need to do anything to earn that. The truth is we are meant to live in community and get our needs met in and through other people, not just me and God, which frankly would be SO much easier ;-). The truth is, God is providing my sons everything they need; he is filling in the gaps of our lives and making them perfect in his sight. He has plans to bring the right male influences in their lives and I am free to continue to trust him to fulfill his word. The truth is, I'm focusing on the creative endeavors God wants me to; that I'm not missing out on anything; that he has a plan for every desire he gave me to express my creativity. The truth is, I am beautiful regardless of my body weight; that there is a solution to achieving a healthy weight that God has for me, and declaring and pressing in in this area is key. 

The truth is - I've been declaring victory in these areas (most of them) for almost a year now. The truth is, every time I agree with heaven, something in the spirit changes.  And what happens in the spirit affects the natural. Things cannot stay the same. Lord I just leave all of these at your feet. Give me what you've already prepared for me. Show me how to receive. Giving is so much easier because it only requires a willingness to give and involves no rejection. But receiving requires that I believe I'm worthy to receive; it requires that I see myself through the lens of heaven - which says I'm a queen, created to rule and reign on this earth. It requires me to believe in Christ's power, displayed trough me - that my words were meant to shake the very foundations of hell and break loose the shackles of bondage to powerlessness. Despite my circumstances; I agree with heaven. I agree with who you say I am God, I agree with the power you have given me, I agree I'm a good steward of every resource you give me, and I agree that my words today are shattering the strongholds of the enemy around my life. I agree with the abundance of resources my Father says is mine. I agree I am wealthy in every area of my life and that I give generously out of that abundance. Your word is Truth, God. Your promises are true and real and for me. Thank you for your goodness towards me Jesus. Thank you for taking everything I deserved and giving me everything you deserve in its place. What a humbling reality. 

So this is me processing out loud today; I just feel like there's so much power in vulnerability. That our weapons are vulnerability and humility and trust. My weakness is made perfect through his strength. When I am openly weak, I give him permission to pour out his strength. That's when the magic happens; when the wonders of our imaginations take flight and become real. I hate the process; yet I'm called to love it because it brings me into perfection in Christ. So I choose to love it. It's always my choice. Make me brave, Lord, to keep choosing.