Learning to Receive Healthy Intimacy

Wow!! What a week it's been friends!! This week is BSSM retreat week. Not only did God provide a way for me to go (thank you so much Bryn!!), not only did he give me unheard of favor with my boss, but he blew my socks off as well.

I arrived at the YWAM retreat center in Chico very much a stranger to most (and somewhat feeling like one), but left feeling like a true member of a vast and wonderful family. I saw walls crumble, masks discarded, hearts soften, wounds being revealed and beginning to be healed; I saw sleepers awaken, watched paradigms being shaken, souls trembled and dancers being birthed. I heard holy laughter, cries of repentance, moans of utterance too deep for words, truths declared and the spirit of prophecy resonate and echo through the hills and valleys of eternity. But the most surprising encounter of all was a brand new introduction to intimacy, Godhead style.

There's something very special that happens when a group of people all encounter the same supernatural experience together. There's an intimacy that falls on the group that transcends natural understanding and reasoning. Things shift in the natural when you approach stranger after stranger and speak God's heart over them, and receive the same again and again. When performance and competition are stripped away to reveal the core of every human heart - the need to give and receive love - it produces an awakening of parts of you that you weren't even aware you had. That sleeping giant awakens and begins to stomp around, destroying what once seemed like huge hurts and pains, years of rejection and misunderstanding, offense and judgement; squashing them underfoot like Godzilla over Tokyo. That sleeping giant is intimacy.

And just when you think you've had more than you ever thought possible, God in his amazing, lovingkindness has even more in store for you. Worshiping the Lord with one mind, one heart opens doors in the spirit to shift heaven toward earth and miracles - not just the physical or mental kind - but miracles of the heart, miracles that break off years of abuse and neglect; loneliness, self-loathing, punishment, shame and a lifetime of lovelessness - these are the miracles of the heart that change everything. And I saw them happen right before my eyes, again and again. And then it happened to me.

I went to this place thinking I was whole for the most part, and I was. I have enjoyed so much inner healing and am leagues beyond just where I was even six months ago. But I experienced something last night that shook me to my core and woke me up to the reality of my need for levels of intimacy the world has never seen. Most of my friends back home know my story of where I come from, as I am proud of the story of my testimony and know the power it carries to offer freedom to others. But many of my new BSSM family does not. I was saved and had a holy spirit experience when I was 9, but grew up in religion based on following the rules, not a person. The God I served was a list of rules that I would eventually bend and yield to serve my brokenness and unfulfilled desires. And as so many have, I grew up having bought into the lie of my unworthiness to receive love, and so I carried this on my back throughout my life like a gypsy's pack that got heavier and heavier as life went by. It manifested itself in the beginning in my relationship(or lack of one) with my father and then morphed itself into my relationships with men when I became an adult. My agreement with the lie and then desperation to overcome the reality it brought to my life carried me deeper and deeper into darkness. Then truth came in the form of a woman who looked enough like Jesus that I got a glimpse of a different Jesus than the world had ever told me about before, and I was hooked. For life. The rest is history [his(her)story]. I've since received baptism in the Holy Spirit and Father's love and began to walk in my identity as a daughter in the kingdom. But until last night, I didn't know that there was something else missing, and that this something was so untouched in my life.

Allow me to set the scene. Worship was incredible. The music was nothing extra spectacular, no song was particularly amazing - but it was a culmination of two days of the building intensity of a large group of people seeking out the heart of God with one heart, one mind. Most of the room was engaged heart, soul and body to the move of God, pouring out ourselves as a fragrant offering to the Lord. Those who were dancers became extravagant ones. Those who weren't dancers become dancers. Those who were sitters became standers. Everyone was moved up a notch from where they had been before. It was as thick as molasses in the room. After the first set of worship, many began to prophesy and love on each other (after holy laughter broke up the regularly scheduled program!!!).

So this guy walks up to me - and bear in mind this is happening all over the room - people just walking up to each other and pouring out love (incase it needs to be said - in a pure and healthy way); speaking words of encouragement and of the Father's heart. So this guy walks up to me - he's very tall, has a very strong build - but he approaches me with the tenderness of a lamb. His hair and beard were fiery red. And he smiled his huge smile at me, his eyes were fierce with love, and we just embraced - it was as if I was welcoming a long lost friend. His hug was so tender and yet so strong. It was a safe hug, a papa bear hug. But it melted into that of a lover (stay with me here - in the way Jesus is my lover, my husband). After a couple of moments, he half pulls away from me and looks into my eyes and there is so much love there and I know it's Jesus - these are His eyes looking at me with holy passion. And he begins to speak to me and tells me what he sees as he's looking into my soul through my eyes. And I knew that he really saw me, you know? He saw through me, in to the spirit. And God spoke through him words of love and affirmation. We hugged again and I thanked him and spoke a few words over him, and it was over.

I have not been able to get that encounter out of my mind. That broke off so many things on me that I can't yet even process what they all were. Everything about the encounter was prophetic. His height and build spoke to me of God's strength and power, ever present and ready to show Himself as a strong protector of me. His hair spoke of the fiery passion of God, his burning desire for me. The tender and strong embrace he gave me was the embrace of the Father heart of God; so tender for his princess and so protecting of her (my) virtue and purity. And then it melted into the fiery embrace of Jesus, my lover and husband. It ended with the comforting words of the Holy Spirit for me. I've never experienced anything like it.

I believe this was a prophetic message from God, for me as an individual and for the church. I have felt these aspects of love and intimacy from the Godhead before - just never from the Godhead THROUGH a person at such depths before. I knew that God was showing me what deep crying out to deep looks like. This is his heart for his people to walk in a level of holy intimacy that the world has never seen before, one that truly has the power to break every chain. But it was also to prepare me. It's one thing to begin to see your greatness in God, but it's a whole other can of worms to hear it, feel it, and see it in such an intimate way through an almost stranger. My greatness is tied to my capacity to love. The power of the amount of love God apportioned to me is real; it's dangerous as a weapon against our enemy, and equally as potentially dangerous to me if wielded without humility and wisdom, and it requires a delicate balance between the freedom to soar and soberness to steward. This encounter stretched me beyond the bounds of my comfort levels into the abyss of "you are getting what you have been asking for" territory. There was nothing inappropriate or unholy about it - I simply have never operated at such an intimate level with another human being before outside of marriage or sexual relations. And as uncomfortable as it may be to talk about, we must.

What is intimacy - into-me-you-see; if we are going to become ONE body, ONE spirit, ONE mind, ONE accord, that's going to require levels of seeing and knowing each other that we are currently not operating at. I will borrow a lesson on intimacy from Kris Vallotton that says (not a direct quote) "I will not hold back expressing holy love to the daughters (sons, mothers, fathers) of God at the risk of it being misinterpreted and perverted by the world or those who struggle with immorality". I guess you could wrap it up by saying I got my first taste of a brother in Christ seeing in to me in ways that I feel up to this point in my life have only been seen by God. I think the deepest cry of our hearts (outside of love) is to be known. The two are one and cannot be separated. I came away from this experience not only realizing how much I am known in God, but I'm beginning to see how much he desires for us to see, to know and be known by each other. Whoa is me, I am undone. More Lord, more!

Blessings and love, Jen

Matthew chapter 4

It just struck me as I was sitting and reading, how telling the temptation of Jesus was. This chapter tells us so much about how the enemy attacks us and how we are to defend ourselves. "The tempter came to him and said, if you are the son of God tell these stones to become bread." If you are the son of God - he questions our identity. He waited until Jesus was hungry, he was in a weakened state; that can be hunger that could be a weakened state of our mind where were having anxiety or fear or stress. Jesus uses the word to counter the word that the enemy gives him. This is really eye-opening for the believer; when the enemy attacks a believer the lies are based on truth. What the devil says to Jesus is from the Bible. But the devil uses the word of God out of its proper context as a weapon. So if the enemy can use the word of God to tempt or to lead astray, then we can too. If we use the word of God out of the context that God intends for it to be used, we become the tempter, we become the enemy. 

The Devils next trick was to ask Jesus to prove himself. "If you are the son of God, he said, throw yourself down...." He took him to the highest point of the temple in the holy city. The enemy tries to get us to perform for something that's already ours; our identity, our giftings, our anointing. Again Jesus uses the word to override the word. If we learn anything from this it should be that every truth is held in tension. There are moments in our lives when one truth, although true, is not meant to be applied to this moment in this situation. We open ourselves up at that point to what the enemy is saying because it sounds like the word of God, it is the word of God, it's just not God's word for us in that moment; there's a higher truth God is wanting us to hear for that moment, but we don't hear it because we're distracted by what we think is truth. 

The last temptation is when the devil takes him to a very high mountain and shows him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor and offers it to him. We have really got to get this. The devil had legal possession over everything that he had offered to Jesus, but Jesus knew a higher truth, and that truth was that he would die and be resurrected and would take back the authority that man had given the devil over the earth. Jesus knew who he was, he knew his identity, he knew how he was going to take possession over the earth. But the devil offered him a shortcut. We can often be presented a shortcut to fulfill the things that God has for us, and it's a test. If we are not listening to the Lord every step of the way as we process information, opportunities, and concerns, then we will get tripped up on the promise and forget to follow the one making the promises. 

Truth can be truth, without it being the truth we need in the moment we're in. 

Thank you Lord for the truth. May you guide us into all truth for every moment of our lives. Amen

Listening When I Ask God to Speak

Today in class during a time of activation, we were asked what areas of breakthrough were we longing for a greater anointing on? Immediately I thought of two things: my finances and my painting, particularly painting on stage during worship. At first I thought that the finances one was me focusing on the problem at hand instead of listening to what the Holy Spirit had to say. And as I thought that, He began to make clear to me that no; my heart was clean of worry - I was resting in my faith for breakthrough, I hadn't heard wrong. In order for me to step into my calling, I need to increase my anointing in both of these areas.

There are many areas of my life that I found easy(er) to overcome in; perhaps now looking back it's because I'm looking back rather than being in the throes of it. My purity walk over the past two years has been amazing; but recalling the year before that reminds me the very present struggles during that time with that area of my life. Today it's my finances. I take it very seriously. This poverty spirit is vigilant to keep rising up each time I draw it out and burn some off. The idea that it's hard to hold onto money, hard to get it, not enough - all are evidence of the remnant of a poverty spirit. I know the right answers to these lies; and had been making declarations in line with those for many months. And as soon as I'd get a little breakthrough, I'd back off on the declarations. I have found the same to be true with my weight loss / health goals. What I realized today is the importance of consistency in declaring victory over myself in these area several times a week, if not daily; and sustaining that over months and years, if necessary, until I feel a more permanent victory.

Tonight the Lord wanted to speak to me about it. He's been speaking to me for the past year in repeating numbers, so when I saw the time 11:11pm, I knew I needed to look that up. He brought me to Psalms 111:1:

"Praise the Lord!! I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart in the company of the upright, in the congregation."

So I turned it into a declaration to Him: "I praise you Lord!! I give thanks to you Lord with my whole heart in the company of the upright and in the presence of the congregation."

The next verse was Deuteronomy 11:11:

"But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is the land the Lord your God cares for; the eyes of the Lord your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end."

The land the Israelites crossed the Jordan for was the Promise Land. My promise land is me inheriting the fullness of my calling, stepping into it. Crossing the Jordan signifies a deeper baptism in the Holy Spirit, which must happen as I cross - that's what the Jordan represents, the second baptism. It's a land of mountain (top) experiences for me - and of traveling through valleys (where Jesus and I sit in communion, fellowshipping in the presence of my enemies). It's a land that is sustained by the waters of heaven, full of the Spirit; a land blessed, flowing, offering endless sustenance. It's a land that The Lord MY GOD takes care of, watches over without rest from the beginning to the end. Why does he watch? To protect it? Maybe. But I think he watches it because He's watching with anticipation to see me possess it in increasing measure. If He so desires me to possess it, will He not provide to me everything necessary to bring me there? Is it not already assured then that I will possess it? Yes and yes.

This is it. I take possession over the anointing necessary to overcome the spirit of poverty; and I do it by praising God with my whole heart (without fear or doubt) in the company of the congregation, in the presence of believers. Which means I need a corporate anointing to overcome the last bits of this I'm struggling with. It's a breakthrough I can only get in community with other believers.

I'm sharing this because so many of us here at Bethel are needing the same breakthrough in this area of finance. Our lack of money is a poverty issue. Abundance rests on the other side of need, past our provision. There is more than enough provision in the river of life; we must position ourselves to receive. How do we do that? First we must imagine ourselves receiving, that may look differently for each of us. If we can't imagine it then we have no visualization necessary to muster up enough faith. But second is that we praise our God with thanksgiving in the congregation corporately, accessing the faith made available to us by the understanding that the power of agreement in the group is greater than the power of agreement of us as individuals.

Let us press in together to see the heavens opened up and the glory of God showered on us as His word says!!

First Day of School

If I walked away with anything today, it was the beautiful, amazing, sobering revelation of the decades of sacrifices (by many) it took to provide - for me, today - the atmosphere and legacy of revival that now is mine to inherit (and 1,500 other students). The story of revival today at Bethel is as such because of a rich history of radical believers who have kept the fires burning at the altar!! Thank you God for their dedication and sacrifice to you.

I have been studying this move of God and this house for over a year now, and I can tell you that being there and hearing some of the same words I've heard before in person really changes things. The intensity of the atmosphere and the electricity that brings every word home to me just seemed to awaken every part of my being. This is what it must be to feel truly alive, engulfed in passion and determination and assurance that I am following after that which my heart desires.

Today, I saw and felt glimpses of who I am to be. I saw and felt things about myself that I've never felt before. A higher level of self worth somehow wrapped in humility overcame me today - in the face of a great move of God I saw and felt my own greatness in the kingdom and did not allow one iota of doubt or shame or accusation interrupt what God was trying to show me in myself.

Every step I've taken to get where I am; every person who encouraged me, supported me, sowed in to me, opposed me, every opportunity given, every prayer, every piece of counsel or advice - every bit of it was necessary to bring me to this point in my journey.

I have never felt the closeness that outrageous honor brings to an atmosphere before. I came away with my heart shouting - I want the passion this man has!! I want to walk in the honor he bestows every place he goes!! I must have it at any cost!!

I know that my job (privilege) is to prepare my heart to be wrecked by God. To prepare myself for goodness I've never experienced before. My heart longs for it, to receive it, be activated in it, and carry it wherever I go. My heart aches to take His goodness to those who have lived with counterfeit goodness their entire lives and to watch their faces transform in the revelation of who God is and how much he loves them.

I am preparing my heart (as best I can) to be spoiled by My Daddy; a loving Father, ruler of all creation, who has every spiritual gift and blessing assigned for me - not because of who I am - but because of who Christ says I am. I am a King and a Priest to God, a royal heir to the Throne of God.

I can't even express to you how amazing it is to feel this way. I look back at when I was a young girl. I had such huge dreams, and yet the enemy had put such a heavy yoke of unworthiness and shame on me for daring to even entertain thoughts of greatness. All my life I have struggled in this tug-of-war, half of me wanting and needing to believe that I could be all the things that were inside of me, the other half beating myself down before I could even try. And you know the funny thing? It really is funny because I would not trade one moment of any of that loneliness and brokenness for what I'm about to walk into. The funny part is that the devil really screwed the pooch, so to speak. He really should have taken me out when he had the chance, because it's on like Donkey Kong now!!

I am his worst nightmare!! Every second I get to testify to God's goodness in my life, how he's transformed(ing) me from extreme brokenness to absolute fullness - man I feel the power of my testimony; the pain it took to occupy the power of it is so real to me - and I count every bit of it as joy. Every moment crying on my pillow - joy. Every failed attempt, relationship - whatever; JOY!! Because I know that I know that I know that every single thing the enemy used to try to destroy me has now become my greatest areas of victory in the Lord! I feel it as real as I can feel my own hands.

I know that I am only at the beginning of an eternal ongoing revelation of God's love for me... if the first taste is this sweet.... look out world!! Come on!!! The battle I live in today is waged in my mind - what I believe about myself and the creator who made me determines my outcome in every situation. It really is that simple; but not easy. Practice makes perfect. I came to Bethel most of all to feel honor. To see it, taste it, smell it, become it. To learn to walk in God's heart for ALL mankind; not just Christians, or those I deem worthy enough. That's what honor is to me - seeing people through God's eyes and treating them in a way that reflects what you're seeing - the fully redeemed person that will be; just like me..... someday. I want others to treat me that way. What a terrible, misguided point of arrogance I have lived in for so many years expecting that, but never giving it. But the deeper truth is that honor comes from God and feeling honored comes from that realization; that regardless of how anyone treats you, "you being rooted and established in love" knowing who we are in Christ Jesus gives us the (supernatural) power to walk in honor even when others aren't giving us any.

SO excited to be here. I love you all so much. Thank you for following with me through this great adventure. xxoo

Getting Settled In

Hello All!! Well today is the first day of school for the boys. It's certainly been an adjustment from Michigan to Redding!! The boys have to walk to school here because they live within 2 miles of the school (which is good), so I take them in the morning (Michael starts a whole hour later than Max, weird!) and in the afternoon, this week I'll walk to go get the and we'll walk home together. Starting next week they'll be on their own. I hope they have an awesome day!!!

I start school next week (the 9th) and Max's birthday is the 12th. He made a new friend at Bethel in his class and he will be coming to his birthday party, which is cool.

It's been a challenge balancing life from two locations, trying to settle in and manage places, issues, finances. Of course, like anyone, I've had my moments of questioning it all; but the Lord is faithful and good. He has made a way time and time again, and I know he is the God of possibilities. I honestly do not know how I made it across the country and got into a place with my limited resources. It was all his grace. I am facing new challenges now that I'm in a place and about to being school. I know that his grace is sufficient for me and I eagerly anticipate his abundance and goodness over me every day. Your continued prayers and support are essential to my success.

Although my fundraising campaign on Indiegogo has expired, I am still raising funds. Half my tuition is due next week on the 9th ($2,000), and I still have utility deposits/costs to catch up on.

For those local to Traverse City who wish to donate cash or check, Brigitte Anne has my bank account info and has been making deposits on my behalf. If you need her number, call, email or text me. If you'd prefer to mail me a check, my new address is 1982 Bechelli Lane Redding, CA 96002. Just keep in mind I don't yet have a local bank account and will have to mail the check back to my bank in Michigan.

For those wishing to donate using a debit or credit card, you can do so directly at my school website: https://www2.ibssm.org/ >> at the bottom choose: Give to Tuition >> type in my name, select me and then enter your card info. This is the quickest and easiest method for me. No amount is too small.

I am eternally grateful to all who have sown into my calling either through finances or prayers or both. I know that I am following his voice and I need your prayers to continue to strengthen me. The boys are so resilient, they are adapting well. We miss our family, friends and church home back in TC and all across the U.S., but I know I'm where I'm called to be for a season. I love you all and thank you for following my journey and keeping up on what's going on with us. Please continue to pray for us as well as for Pippa's family who has also relocated - to Houston, Texas - and are going through transition as well. Lots of Love XXOO. Jen & the boys

Here's some pics of the new place: still getting settled in.