I arrived at the YWAM retreat center in Chico very much a stranger to most (and somewhat feeling like one), but left feeling like a true member of a vast and wonderful family. I saw walls crumble, masks discarded, hearts soften, wounds being revealed and beginning to be healed; I saw sleepers awaken, watched paradigms being shaken, souls trembled and dancers being birthed. I heard holy laughter, cries of repentance, moans of utterance too deep for words, truths declared and the spirit of prophecy resonate and echo through the hills and valleys of eternity. But the most surprising encounter of all was a brand new introduction to intimacy, Godhead style.
There's something very special that happens when a group of people all encounter the same supernatural experience together. There's an intimacy that falls on the group that transcends natural understanding and reasoning. Things shift in the natural when you approach stranger after stranger and speak God's heart over them, and receive the same again and again. When performance and competition are stripped away to reveal the core of every human heart - the need to give and receive love - it produces an awakening of parts of you that you weren't even aware you had. That sleeping giant awakens and begins to stomp around, destroying what once seemed like huge hurts and pains, years of rejection and misunderstanding, offense and judgement; squashing them underfoot like Godzilla over Tokyo. That sleeping giant is intimacy.
And just when you think you've had more than you ever thought possible, God in his amazing, lovingkindness has even more in store for you. Worshiping the Lord with one mind, one heart opens doors in the spirit to shift heaven toward earth and miracles - not just the physical or mental kind - but miracles of the heart, miracles that break off years of abuse and neglect; loneliness, self-loathing, punishment, shame and a lifetime of lovelessness - these are the miracles of the heart that change everything. And I saw them happen right before my eyes, again and again. And then it happened to me.
I went to this place thinking I was whole for the most part, and I was. I have enjoyed so much inner healing and am leagues beyond just where I was even six months ago. But I experienced something last night that shook me to my core and woke me up to the reality of my need for levels of intimacy the world has never seen. Most of my friends back home know my story of where I come from, as I am proud of the story of my testimony and know the power it carries to offer freedom to others. But many of my new BSSM family does not. I was saved and had a holy spirit experience when I was 9, but grew up in religion based on following the rules, not a person. The God I served was a list of rules that I would eventually bend and yield to serve my brokenness and unfulfilled desires. And as so many have, I grew up having bought into the lie of my unworthiness to receive love, and so I carried this on my back throughout my life like a gypsy's pack that got heavier and heavier as life went by. It manifested itself in the beginning in my relationship(or lack of one) with my father and then morphed itself into my relationships with men when I became an adult. My agreement with the lie and then desperation to overcome the reality it brought to my life carried me deeper and deeper into darkness. Then truth came in the form of a woman who looked enough like Jesus that I got a glimpse of a different Jesus than the world had ever told me about before, and I was hooked. For life. The rest is history [his(her)story]. I've since received baptism in the Holy Spirit and Father's love and began to walk in my identity as a daughter in the kingdom. But until last night, I didn't know that there was something else missing, and that this something was so untouched in my life.
Allow me to set the scene. Worship was incredible. The music was nothing extra spectacular, no song was particularly amazing - but it was a culmination of two days of the building intensity of a large group of people seeking out the heart of God with one heart, one mind. Most of the room was engaged heart, soul and body to the move of God, pouring out ourselves as a fragrant offering to the Lord. Those who were dancers became extravagant ones. Those who weren't dancers become dancers. Those who were sitters became standers. Everyone was moved up a notch from where they had been before. It was as thick as molasses in the room. After the first set of worship, many began to prophesy and love on each other (after holy laughter broke up the regularly scheduled program!!!).
So this guy walks up to me - and bear in mind this is happening all over the room - people just walking up to each other and pouring out love (incase it needs to be said - in a pure and healthy way); speaking words of encouragement and of the Father's heart. So this guy walks up to me - he's very tall, has a very strong build - but he approaches me with the tenderness of a lamb. His hair and beard were fiery red. And he smiled his huge smile at me, his eyes were fierce with love, and we just embraced - it was as if I was welcoming a long lost friend. His hug was so tender and yet so strong. It was a safe hug, a papa bear hug. But it melted into that of a lover (stay with me here - in the way Jesus is my lover, my husband). After a couple of moments, he half pulls away from me and looks into my eyes and there is so much love there and I know it's Jesus - these are His eyes looking at me with holy passion. And he begins to speak to me and tells me what he sees as he's looking into my soul through my eyes. And I knew that he really saw me, you know? He saw through me, in to the spirit. And God spoke through him words of love and affirmation. We hugged again and I thanked him and spoke a few words over him, and it was over.
I have not been able to get that encounter out of my mind. That broke off so many things on me that I can't yet even process what they all were. Everything about the encounter was prophetic. His height and build spoke to me of God's strength and power, ever present and ready to show Himself as a strong protector of me. His hair spoke of the fiery passion of God, his burning desire for me. The tender and strong embrace he gave me was the embrace of the Father heart of God; so tender for his princess and so protecting of her (my) virtue and purity. And then it melted into the fiery embrace of Jesus, my lover and husband. It ended with the comforting words of the Holy Spirit for me. I've never experienced anything like it.
I believe this was a prophetic message from God, for me as an individual and for the church. I have felt these aspects of love and intimacy from the Godhead before - just never from the Godhead THROUGH a person at such depths before. I knew that God was showing me what deep crying out to deep looks like. This is his heart for his people to walk in a level of holy intimacy that the world has never seen before, one that truly has the power to break every chain. But it was also to prepare me. It's one thing to begin to see your greatness in God, but it's a whole other can of worms to hear it, feel it, and see it in such an intimate way through an almost stranger. My greatness is tied to my capacity to love. The power of the amount of love God apportioned to me is real; it's dangerous as a weapon against our enemy, and equally as potentially dangerous to me if wielded without humility and wisdom, and it requires a delicate balance between the freedom to soar and soberness to steward. This encounter stretched me beyond the bounds of my comfort levels into the abyss of "you are getting what you have been asking for" territory. There was nothing inappropriate or unholy about it - I simply have never operated at such an intimate level with another human being before outside of marriage or sexual relations. And as uncomfortable as it may be to talk about, we must.
What is intimacy - into-me-you-see; if we are going to become ONE body, ONE spirit, ONE mind, ONE accord, that's going to require levels of seeing and knowing each other that we are currently not operating at. I will borrow a lesson on intimacy from Kris Vallotton that says (not a direct quote) "I will not hold back expressing holy love to the daughters (sons, mothers, fathers) of God at the risk of it being misinterpreted and perverted by the world or those who struggle with immorality". I guess you could wrap it up by saying I got my first taste of a brother in Christ seeing in to me in ways that I feel up to this point in my life have only been seen by God. I think the deepest cry of our hearts (outside of love) is to be known. The two are one and cannot be separated. I came away from this experience not only realizing how much I am known in God, but I'm beginning to see how much he desires for us to see, to know and be known by each other. Whoa is me, I am undone. More Lord, more!
Blessings and love, Jen
Hello Beautiful: You painted a beautiful story with your words and I'm happy to read of your experience and continued journey. Know that you are love and adored by me. Oh and missed too! XOXO Marlene
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