The Arrow

This morning I meditate on some amazing lyrics to a new song that Josh Garrels has recently released, on his Home album, called Arrow:

An arrow is stuck between my ribs 

And I pray to God, Don’t let it end like this 

I fought like a man with will to live 

But I was betrayed by the man within 

How on earth did it all go down like this? 

I’ve got no words to make sense of it 

My shield, my fight for righteousness 

Could not protect me from myself 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend 

How long did I fool myself 

Believing I, I didn’t need nobody’s help 

A fool trusts in his power and his wealth 

Until he’s brought down low 

Unto a shadow of himself 

The arrow was sent to intervene 

It pierced my bones and shook me from my dream 

Lord You know exactly what I need 

Wounds from a friend, severe mercy 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend

https://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/the-arrow

Before I even looked up the actual lyrics, this song took hold of me from the moment I listened to it; like a strong fist grabbing me by the chest holding me up in a fierce storm. I literally put the song on repeat for what’s been days in a row now, not fully comprehending it’s full meaning and impact on my life until this morning. Before we get to the juicy details of my confession, let me set the stage.

I’ve been divorced since 2010; dedicated my life to Christ in 2011, and I’ve kept my body pure (no sex) since July of 2011. But the year between these two events was “hell in the hallway” so to speak. I fell into a state of desperation - after ending a long marriage with basically no physical intimacy - I was starved for attention, mentally, physically, emotionally; dying inside for someone to see me, to know me, to notice me. Not having been on the dating scene for 15 years, I quickly found myself in uncharted territory. A friend suggested online dating; one thing led to another and what started with one toe cautiously dipped into the cesspool of artificial socialization spread in a short time, like wildfire, to me scouring the depths of depravity. It was so easy; all the attention I could hope for lie waiting in the next chat, the next picture, the next text. I quickly found myself the subject of pornography which led to a series of one night stands with men of all ages. Sexuality had become a false sense of empowerment, where I allegedly could win back my dignity and self-respect from all the years of being ignored and denied by my husband. But the power left as soon as the moment was over, and the darkness that descended upon me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my life. It was a death grip of fear and shame, with a dose of hopelessness on the side just to keep me in line. I remember one night in my shower, I began weeping uncontrollably, crying out to God, “you have got to save me from myself”. Within a few months of that plea He would send a woman in my life who was the most authentic representation of Jesus I’d ever encountered, and the rest is history as they say. 

Why do I bring all that up, you say? Well, it’s been an amazing journey with God, healing and putting all the pieces back together of me that I had so carelessly given away. It’s been a long, winding road toward self love, self respect and honor and appreciation for who I am - and if I’m totally honest, I would say there’s still a ways to go down that road to be at a place where I am absolutely content with myself (in a healthy way, not complacency). I do love myself; I love my quirks and my smile, I love my creativity and my uniqueness, I love the way God made my eyes and I love my open heart and genuineness. But there has always been this voice inside, for as long as I can remember, that is my greatest critic. That voice is masculine and it always says the same things, and it’s always about my body and my weight. We can save the Freudian examination for later as far as what that all means, aside from the fact that it’s obvious I have lacked affirmation from men in my life, starting with my father, specifically related to how I look. Maybe it’s been a million voices from the magazine covers and the movies, from the pop culture to the constant sexuality in our advertisements - all with one clear message - you’re not enough; not pretty enough, good enough, strong enough; whatever enough resonates with you. We have literally programmed ourselves to self loathe; generating impossible expectations for ourselves and others as we major in critical thinking, and not the healthy intellectual kind. 

Since I have heard about the idea of mind renewal from the Word and other teachings like Steve Backlund, I have been on a relentless pursuit of higher thinking for myself. I have made enormous progress, overcoming so much abuse, neglect, programming, etc., to come full view to a healthy view of myself. But as of late, that inner voice that ceaselessly whispers to me about my body has grown much louder. I have been pursuing health and fitness for myself now since 2012, which is in and of itself a whole other discussion for another day, needless to say that I am much healthier and happier, but there has been little to no physical change to my body. That has been the most challenging for me and it has been the source for moments of hopelessness in this journey to a full and whole me. I know what has begun to trigger more of this self bombardment of criticism again, and that’s the reason I’m writing. Dating.

From 2012 until maybe two weeks ago, I had not dated nor was I looking to; my focus was me and figuring out me before adding someone else to the mix. My core values are in place, my heart is set faithfully on God, and I’ve placed everything in his hands. But for the past two years I’d say there’s been this growing desire to find that person I want to build a life with, and this search has left me with more questions than answers, and frankly I’m at a real point of frustration over it. After finished 1st year of school I thought, man I don’t ever want to date outside of this culture. But after two years of waiting for men to be men in the church I’ve been faced with the realization that, whatever the reasons, whatever the issue is with men in the church related to pursuing women, I may have to look outside my culture to find love. I’ve recently begun meeting people online, which was a huge step for me to take obviously given my past. I’m not worried about falling into the same pitfalls as before, well because I’m not the same person. Jesus has my heart and the man who wants it has to go through him first. But if I could preach it here for a minute, I am just as frustrated as I can be at the fact that in order to get a date, I have to go outside the church. Can I get a witness?!! What is up with that? 

Dating is hard. No one wants to be the one to say yes when the other person is saying no, blah blah blah. It’s not blah blah blah, but you know what I mean. It’s serious, but it’s kinda dumb too. Can't we all just agree that we are all amazing, that someone not choosing us doesn’t make us NOT amazing; can't we all agree that it sucks just as bad to be the one saying I’m not attracted to you as it is the one hearing it? Can’t men be men and women be women and pursue and be pursued respectively? Is it just me or are the days of seeing something you want and passionately pursuing it over? I don’t know. I've had a couple of coffee dates with men outside the church; nice men, good men; but who don’t share many of the same core beliefs. My beliefs are everything to me; they are the foundation on which my whole life is built. How can I build a life with someone whose life isn’t on the same trajectory as mine? I can’t. I don’t have any answers, I’m more writing to flush out questions and frustration that I’m having. But I really want to have this conversation - with single people who are in the thick of it - what are your experiences? What wisdom do you employ in taking on this great mountain called dating? What are ways we can be kinder, gentler, more receptive and less brutal toward each other as well fumble our way towards discovery? 

So why the song you ask. Well, I did promise you juicy confession, although you’l most likely be disappointed. I’m still pure, still going to choose purity, so that’s not the issue. The issue is what voice I’m listening to. Because that critical voice that tells me my body’s not the right type or this or that is certainly not from God. I’m genuinely in a struggle right now, between my desire to become the person I see myself as already - and that includes a physical level of health and appearance that I want - I don’t think it’s vanity to want that; but keeping that in blanche to not tip back over to the other end of the scale that says I’m not loved and accepted until….. that is my struggle, not listening to that voice. We all have that voice and it tells us all something that isn’t true about ourselves. Getting contented with and understanding the heart of God for each of us is the key to silencing this voice forever. I will keep running towards God until His song is so strong I can’t but help hear anything else.