The Arrow

This morning I meditate on some amazing lyrics to a new song that Josh Garrels has recently released, on his Home album, called Arrow:

An arrow is stuck between my ribs 

And I pray to God, Don’t let it end like this 

I fought like a man with will to live 

But I was betrayed by the man within 

How on earth did it all go down like this? 

I’ve got no words to make sense of it 

My shield, my fight for righteousness 

Could not protect me from myself 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend 

How long did I fool myself 

Believing I, I didn’t need nobody’s help 

A fool trusts in his power and his wealth 

Until he’s brought down low 

Unto a shadow of himself 

The arrow was sent to intervene 

It pierced my bones and shook me from my dream 

Lord You know exactly what I need 

Wounds from a friend, severe mercy 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend

https://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/the-arrow

Before I even looked up the actual lyrics, this song took hold of me from the moment I listened to it; like a strong fist grabbing me by the chest holding me up in a fierce storm. I literally put the song on repeat for what’s been days in a row now, not fully comprehending it’s full meaning and impact on my life until this morning. Before we get to the juicy details of my confession, let me set the stage.

I’ve been divorced since 2010; dedicated my life to Christ in 2011, and I’ve kept my body pure (no sex) since July of 2011. But the year between these two events was “hell in the hallway” so to speak. I fell into a state of desperation - after ending a long marriage with basically no physical intimacy - I was starved for attention, mentally, physically, emotionally; dying inside for someone to see me, to know me, to notice me. Not having been on the dating scene for 15 years, I quickly found myself in uncharted territory. A friend suggested online dating; one thing led to another and what started with one toe cautiously dipped into the cesspool of artificial socialization spread in a short time, like wildfire, to me scouring the depths of depravity. It was so easy; all the attention I could hope for lie waiting in the next chat, the next picture, the next text. I quickly found myself the subject of pornography which led to a series of one night stands with men of all ages. Sexuality had become a false sense of empowerment, where I allegedly could win back my dignity and self-respect from all the years of being ignored and denied by my husband. But the power left as soon as the moment was over, and the darkness that descended upon me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my life. It was a death grip of fear and shame, with a dose of hopelessness on the side just to keep me in line. I remember one night in my shower, I began weeping uncontrollably, crying out to God, “you have got to save me from myself”. Within a few months of that plea He would send a woman in my life who was the most authentic representation of Jesus I’d ever encountered, and the rest is history as they say. 

Why do I bring all that up, you say? Well, it’s been an amazing journey with God, healing and putting all the pieces back together of me that I had so carelessly given away. It’s been a long, winding road toward self love, self respect and honor and appreciation for who I am - and if I’m totally honest, I would say there’s still a ways to go down that road to be at a place where I am absolutely content with myself (in a healthy way, not complacency). I do love myself; I love my quirks and my smile, I love my creativity and my uniqueness, I love the way God made my eyes and I love my open heart and genuineness. But there has always been this voice inside, for as long as I can remember, that is my greatest critic. That voice is masculine and it always says the same things, and it’s always about my body and my weight. We can save the Freudian examination for later as far as what that all means, aside from the fact that it’s obvious I have lacked affirmation from men in my life, starting with my father, specifically related to how I look. Maybe it’s been a million voices from the magazine covers and the movies, from the pop culture to the constant sexuality in our advertisements - all with one clear message - you’re not enough; not pretty enough, good enough, strong enough; whatever enough resonates with you. We have literally programmed ourselves to self loathe; generating impossible expectations for ourselves and others as we major in critical thinking, and not the healthy intellectual kind. 

Since I have heard about the idea of mind renewal from the Word and other teachings like Steve Backlund, I have been on a relentless pursuit of higher thinking for myself. I have made enormous progress, overcoming so much abuse, neglect, programming, etc., to come full view to a healthy view of myself. But as of late, that inner voice that ceaselessly whispers to me about my body has grown much louder. I have been pursuing health and fitness for myself now since 2012, which is in and of itself a whole other discussion for another day, needless to say that I am much healthier and happier, but there has been little to no physical change to my body. That has been the most challenging for me and it has been the source for moments of hopelessness in this journey to a full and whole me. I know what has begun to trigger more of this self bombardment of criticism again, and that’s the reason I’m writing. Dating.

From 2012 until maybe two weeks ago, I had not dated nor was I looking to; my focus was me and figuring out me before adding someone else to the mix. My core values are in place, my heart is set faithfully on God, and I’ve placed everything in his hands. But for the past two years I’d say there’s been this growing desire to find that person I want to build a life with, and this search has left me with more questions than answers, and frankly I’m at a real point of frustration over it. After finished 1st year of school I thought, man I don’t ever want to date outside of this culture. But after two years of waiting for men to be men in the church I’ve been faced with the realization that, whatever the reasons, whatever the issue is with men in the church related to pursuing women, I may have to look outside my culture to find love. I’ve recently begun meeting people online, which was a huge step for me to take obviously given my past. I’m not worried about falling into the same pitfalls as before, well because I’m not the same person. Jesus has my heart and the man who wants it has to go through him first. But if I could preach it here for a minute, I am just as frustrated as I can be at the fact that in order to get a date, I have to go outside the church. Can I get a witness?!! What is up with that? 

Dating is hard. No one wants to be the one to say yes when the other person is saying no, blah blah blah. It’s not blah blah blah, but you know what I mean. It’s serious, but it’s kinda dumb too. Can't we all just agree that we are all amazing, that someone not choosing us doesn’t make us NOT amazing; can't we all agree that it sucks just as bad to be the one saying I’m not attracted to you as it is the one hearing it? Can’t men be men and women be women and pursue and be pursued respectively? Is it just me or are the days of seeing something you want and passionately pursuing it over? I don’t know. I've had a couple of coffee dates with men outside the church; nice men, good men; but who don’t share many of the same core beliefs. My beliefs are everything to me; they are the foundation on which my whole life is built. How can I build a life with someone whose life isn’t on the same trajectory as mine? I can’t. I don’t have any answers, I’m more writing to flush out questions and frustration that I’m having. But I really want to have this conversation - with single people who are in the thick of it - what are your experiences? What wisdom do you employ in taking on this great mountain called dating? What are ways we can be kinder, gentler, more receptive and less brutal toward each other as well fumble our way towards discovery? 

So why the song you ask. Well, I did promise you juicy confession, although you’l most likely be disappointed. I’m still pure, still going to choose purity, so that’s not the issue. The issue is what voice I’m listening to. Because that critical voice that tells me my body’s not the right type or this or that is certainly not from God. I’m genuinely in a struggle right now, between my desire to become the person I see myself as already - and that includes a physical level of health and appearance that I want - I don’t think it’s vanity to want that; but keeping that in blanche to not tip back over to the other end of the scale that says I’m not loved and accepted until….. that is my struggle, not listening to that voice. We all have that voice and it tells us all something that isn’t true about ourselves. Getting contented with and understanding the heart of God for each of us is the key to silencing this voice forever. I will keep running towards God until His song is so strong I can’t but help hear anything else. 

Overcoming Fears, Lies and Disappointments

I want to share with you what's been happening in my life the past few months. As you may or may not know, last year (in 1st Year BSSM), the Lord was walking me through fear and performance related to my career. All my life I saw my creative talents as a smorgasbord of things at my disposal to choose from in order to capitalize on to make money, which in and of itself is not bad except that I did so separate from God. In essence, I prostituted my talents for money. Since coming back to the Lord, I've walked through this journey of laying my gifts, talents and dreams down at his feet, where he then empowers me to pick them up again under his blessing and supervision. Last year the Lord was walking me through this process where I was facing the fear of loosing my job and the issue of my talents/career being a large portion of my identity.

I received a prophetic word from Shawn Bolz at the creative conference last April where he gave me a word that I was coming into a season of discovery where the Lord was putting no pressure of performance on me, that in this season I would carve out a whole new career for myself. That same day I lost my job and I've been walking through this journey of learning to trust my Father in heaven to love, care for and provide for my needs, wants and desires. Summer was great; I stepped out in faith and he rewarded me so generously.

But this fall, since I have been back to Redding, it's been this knock-down, drag-out fight for me to gain the things he promised me in that word. In the midst of terrible opposition, there has been extraordinary favor and provision from the Lord. Through it all, it has been this process of facing fear and the Lord overcoming on my behalf. Let me paint you a picture.

Over the summer I traveled back to the east coast, with no job or income, on faith. The Lord met me where I was at and always provided. It was a time of listening to his still, quiet voice and stepping out in faith that it was him speaking. I felt slight impressions all summer that God had said he was going to provide a house for us, but I had no idea what that would look like. I come back to Redding for 2nd Year, not knowing where I would live and knowing I had no money to go to school, let alone provide for my sons. I stayed with a friend the first 3 days, then I packed up my car (after basically living out of it since June) and headed to church. Before I got out of the driveway, I get a call from another friend that says God has put it on her heart to provide a home for me and the boys for this school year. When I rewind to think about what level of faith I had about what kind of home the Lord would provide for me, it wasn't much. I thought that maybe we'd get to live with other people for free, or that the place would be less than the place we stayed in last year. I had honestly prepared my heart for this meager provision of barely getting by that the Lord had for me. If you've seen pictures of the home I'm in now; it is truly the most expensive home I've ever lived in. I couldn't have afforded it if I still had my job. Another thing; I want you to know that being without a job was hard for me. I felt irresponsible deep down inside. When I had to depend on the kindness of others for the things I needed, it felt shameful and I battled thoughts of being less than; that being in need was bad and that I really couldn't and didn't want to have to depend on others. These were the main underlying emotions that began culminating in me through this whole process.

Even after I knew that I now had the cost of my rental covered, it took three weeks of fighting to get into it; as we went from place to place, week after week. I was exhausted from living out of a suitcase and my car for 4 months, I was unsure about where to put the boys in school because we didn't have our own address. Then it's a fight to get into school; a potential job offer comes my way right before the money came in I had this crisis not knowing whether or not God was going to show up to pay for school or if the dream was over and I now had to come back to reality and get a job. Those were honestly my thoughts. God's goodness up to that point had felt like a dream, one that would soon come crashing down. That's what life had taught me through experience, and that was what I expected to happen. But God showed up and the money came in for school.

The next few months I'm going through this process of barely scraping by. I've got money coming in now through unemployment, but it's not enough to pay my bills on time, so there's this constant tension of me trying to renew my mind in the truth that he's a good Daddy, that he's going to provide for me and my family and the reality of what I'm experiencing which is lack. I go back and forth between making the case for what God is going to do and building up a case against God for what he hasn't done. There were many times I felt as if I was bi-polar; one moment I'm at the highest high, connected to God's love for me and resting in his peace and joy, then I come crashing down onto the pavement of fear with waves of doubt and discouragement trying to overtake me.

I know what to do. Mind renewal. Mind renewal is the process by which we replace the lies we're believing with the truth of God's word. That truth can come through his word, the bible; it can come through prophetic words, encouragement, impressions and feelings connected to the Holy Spirit. So my process has been, as circumstance arises; I see fear come up and I recognize oh that's fear, that's not from God, so I chop it off in a sense and run over to this camp of declaring and waging war against those lies and replacing them with truth. And it would bring me to a place of peace and joy for a while. But I wasn't able to remain in this place.

For the past 3 weeks the tension in my life has been building and building. I was looking at the reality of my life and the situation I am in - no job, no money, unemployment ended, questioning whether or not I'd actually be able to stay in school. I began looking to tomorrow; looking forward at the impending doom of bills I couldn't pay and groceries I couldn't buy and I began to question everything. Had I heard God correctly in it all; was I really supposed to be in school, this lack I face is so big, how could I possibly expect him to provide, had I been irresponsible all along in stepping out? My case against the Lord's goodness had mounted so high that my attempts to renew my mind were failing miserably. Thursday before last I woke up from a horrible night's sleep, where I had actually been visited by the spirit of suicide, and after days of weeping, I went to my revival group and announced I was leaving school to get a job. They loved and supported me right where I was at and that was that.

The next day, my girlfriend says she feels like Matthew 6:25-34 is for me: 25)“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26)Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27)Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28)“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29)Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30)If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31)So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32)For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33)But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34)Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Now I've heard that verse a hundred times and I know theologically that's true. But what she said after hit me. She said something like you've been looking ahead at what's coming, you need to look behind to see what he's done. At first I was starting to unravel the mess, but later God began speaking to me about this:

Seek first His kingdom and righteousness; do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own.  How do we seek the kingdom? By casting off every argument that raises itself against the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is Truth (in every circumstance), and the truth sets us free. The Lord was also speaking to me about community and what role we play in each other's lives.

Galatians 6:2-5 (NIV)
2)Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3)If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4)Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5)for each one should carry their own load.

In a recent bible study, Havilah talks about this verse and how the word "burdens" means "crushing load", and the word "load" means like a backpack. So basically, we are to help one another carry their crushing loads; but we each are responsible for carrying the day to day load of our life. Her point was that many in the body of Christ are so busy carrying other peoples daily loads, thinking that's biblical, when in fact that's keeping us tied up from being able to help each other with our crushing loads.

But God highlighted this to me: If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.

So many times I've thought of this verse as a warning against self pride (in fact other translations say if you think you're something when you're nothing instead of not); and I'm certain that it does indeed apply to that spectrum of thinking. But the Lord was actually showing me through this verse that me thinking less of myself than I ought to is equally deceptive. For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. What I think about myself, my situation and God has a profound affect on what my experience ends up being.

Fear is a manifestation of deception that I have agreed with; when I'm afraid I'm believing something that isn't true, either about myself, God and/or the situation. In the midst of challenging circumstances, we have been trained to use our past experiences and feelings to carve out our expectations. But the word tells us we are to seek His kingdom and righteousness first.

It doesn't say to ignore your past experiences and feelings.  

It says to seek the kingdom FIRST; before you look at your past and your feelings. The kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy. So we are commanded to bring ourselves to a place of peace, joy and righteousness before we start to problem solve.

So I'm working through these revelations and I'm like well I have been doing mind renewal so what's the problem. Then the Lord showed me that I was indeed identifying lies and attempting to replace them with truth in my mind, but my feelings weren't coming into agreement because they were still frozen over in the fear. This case I had built up emotionally against the Lord was now exploding all over my life. When I tried my friend's approach of looking back to see what God has done, I saw and connected with the emotions of lack associated with those experienced FIRST before I then saw the breakthrough that came.

When I woke up that morning, 3 words were going through my mind, over and over: fears, lies and disappointments. I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me the missing piece was hidden in exploring these 3 things. So I began taking inventory of the things that were bothering me or making me afraid. I listed many of them already. In my attempt to cut off fear that I saw in my life, I actually didn't take the necessary time to acknowledge my emotions that were associated with fear. When I began to do that it was obvious how ridiculous the lies were that I had partnered with. I was able then to look at my prophetic words and piece together all the things the Lord's been speaking to me to reveal a whole new emotional space for myself to occupy, one that was confident in the Lord's promises and provision for me.

I just want to stop and say how grateful I am for the Lord's gentleness and kindness towards me during this time. I realized my circumstances weren't the problem, lack of money isn't the problem; the problem is who do I think I am and who do I think God wants to be for me. Different day. Same problem. My circumstances are here to help me build history with God. He doesn't create the bad but he's smart enough to use it to bring us closer to him. My circumstances were largely a result of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around about not being provided for. And every time a new circumstance would arrive, it would trigger the emotions  of abandonment and lack related to the fear which crippled my faith and lowered my expectations of God's goodness in my life.

We can't think our way out of circumstances; nor can we feel our way out of them on our own. Only in partnership and friendship with the Godhead are we able to overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. During the conference Randy Clark was talking about when he prophesied over Heidi Baker. She was a burnt out missionary desperate for a touch from God. Randy prophesied over her, "Do you want the nation of Mozambique? She cried YES!" He laid his hands on her and the power of God threw her to the floor and ripped through her for days. But it's what he said about what happened after that called my spirit to attention. Over the next year, everything that happened seemed to be polar opposite of Randy's word. She and Roland got sick, so did 3 of her leaders. They lost a million dollars in funding support and their church buildings were taken away. That's when the light bulb went off for me. I knew that the circumstances sent against me were sent to test  the word of God in my life. One other thing Randy said; he asked Heidi, would you have been able to go through all of that and still have faith if you had not been touched by the Lord in power? No, I certainly wouldn't have been able to she replied.

Once I dealt with my fear; exposed it, brought it out into the light, then I have been able to see the lies and speak truth and come back into a place of peace and joy. It's funny, I can't explain it except to say I have known all these things for some time now, but something happened that just triggered a deeper awareness of them. Back in a place of peace, I was able to look back on my life, reexamine the prophetic words, look at what the spirit has been saying to me, what have leaders spoken in my life, etc.

Either I believe God called me to Bethel or I don't. If I do, then, once God speaks on something in my life, I don't have the right to challenge that. Faith requires that I expect in that area going forward. Either I believe that God spoke through Shawn Bolz and said he was going to provide for me in this season of discovery or not. If I do, then I don't have a right to begin entertaining thoughts that aren't in line with that truth. This walk requires constant communion with Holy Spirit to hear not just what he has said but what he's saying.

I still don't have a job or income coming in; I still have bills that are due I can't pay and shut off notices I don't have money for. My circumstances haven't changed, but my heart has. I really know that he's a purposeful God, that I'm here for a reason that it's important that I'm here. I really know that this journey we are on together is all about me learning to trust him in every way, so that I can be totally surrendered to him. I can't fully give myself to someone I don't fully trust. Regardless of what happens, I know his plans for me are so much bigger than my wildest dreams, and that I can only get them in friendship with him. He is hell-bent on squeezing every bit of orphan out of me so that I can be his favored daughter. It's all about sonship. That's the goal, the price, the quest, the treasure. It's important to seek out experience of the Holy Spirit. God is power; we need his touch to mark us in new ways in order to be able to stand in faith in the midst of the storm. I was touched many times this week by the Lord, which has helped me turn things around in my heart. Twice this week on two different occasions, I encountered his peace gently rolling over my body over and over. I also felt electricity in my right hand going in to my elbow, then I felt sensations over my face where it felt like a heartbeat was on my face. These experiences weren't dramatic and overwhelming, but they were real. God is real, he's a person; he's intimate, he's a God of power. He's inviting us into this place of knowing through experience who he is. His nature is inexhaustible. And I must experience him more, at any price. Dignity, pride, false senses of security all crumble in his presence. All he asks is that I acknowledge and thank him when he touches me, no matter how great or small the touch is.