Facing Fear and Finding Freedom with Friends

Today was an amazing day; our Revival Group for 1st Year BSSM went to Mountain Chapel in Weaverville, CA to do a ropes course. The whole day was about me (and everyone else) letting God purge our fears, if we were up for the challenge. After the general assembly, we were released into groups for challenges. Then we were paired up where one person was blindfolded leading the other around an obstacle course - nothing death defying - but like stairs and logs and stuff. It was so amazing. I had a great young man leading me and it was amazing, he made me feel totally safe. Oh and we weren't allowed to talk.

At lunch, I had a different fear hit me totally unrelated to the course. A little background. I work full time at home while going to school, but I did not ask for the day off from work. The reason I didn't was because I had decided to go at the last minute (after I got someone to look after my boys) and I had asked my boss last Friday for a raise. Now I've been working for him since 2007 without a raise. I just woke up Friday and something in me said - ask for a raise - so I did. He said no, that they were actually cutting back. Well, because I had just taken 3 days off two weeks before for the camping intensive for school, and because I had just asked him for a raise and he said no, I was afraid he'd think I was out job hunting today. Mondays are usually pretty quiet so I decided not to say anything.

Well I get done with lunch and there's an email asking for a quick little change to something I did last week. I had no choice to but to tell him. It really brought fear out in me I though I'd already dealt with. And this was the exact thing I've been asking God to deal with in me, that I want to be rid of all my fears of man. So we get back to the course and my phone messes up and so I just was like "I have to turn this off, I can't focus on this I need to focus on what God has in front of me".

So the next part of the course was the ropes. We got all harnessed up and ready to go. The first level is about 10 feet off the ground, the second is maybe double. The first challenge was we had to walk backwards on this log suspended in the air, while keeping our hands on each other's shoulders the whole way. We totally did it. The next one we had to do this Frankenstein walk across the wires - again we had to remain touching each other but we weren't allowed to touch our own ropes!! It was intense!! So Tim got on first and then Kim did and then I'm like "I can't do this!!!" And Kim's like "Oh yes you can" and so I was like "Ok" in my scared little girl voice, and oh my gosh it was so tense and scary!!! But we did it! And we didn't fall which was a miracle lol for me at least. The last one was really hard we had to walk across these logs except they got further away from each other the farther we walked down them. Again we had to touch together as a group - three on one side and three on the other with one from each side reaching across to grab hands. It was crazy intense, but we totally did it!

When we got down they brought us around to ask about the high ropes. My body was still so tensed up - my thighs and calves and feet and hands were cramping from being so tense. I really wanted to do it but I was afraid that my stamina wouldn't last; once you're up there you're in all the way, there's no climbing down. After debating I decided not to do it, but I totally felt the freedom to make that choice without fear or shame or failure. It was such an amazing experience. My team ROCKED!!

I knew when I came to school that balancing school and work was going to be a challenge and I knew there'd be days that would put me in situations that may cost me my job. But I made that choice trusting that God is my provider and he is the one who takes care of me, that this isn't hard for him. And what I realized today is that's a choice I keep making every day. Each day I keep choosing God in my life, my circumstances, for provision and love and comfort and my needs. He brought me here to learn how to live in community based on the foundation of the presence of God and his goodness. And the more I'm here, the more I realize how connected we are supposed to be to one another, how our destinies are so intertwined, and how much looking out for the interests of others really deposits so much wealth into our spiritual bank accounts. Like none of us can get to where we are supposed to be going without each other. We need the power, momentum and favor of the group to propel ourselves into our destinies.

Alone, we are powerless against the winds of change that come to swoop us off the high wire of life; but with friends, with a community based on honor and love and not cutting down and competition and insecurity, but one of mutual uplifting and encouragement and respect we are able to lock down and gain from each other's strengths to weather the storms of our lives. This was such a powerful experience, one I hope soon I can do again with my sons, and one day I would love to do with my sisters.

Thank you Lord for where you are leading me. I am ready to close my eyes, take your hand, and follow you wherever you want to take me. I trust it's going to be amazing, astounding, exciting and maybe even scary. But when I choose to know your goodness even in the midst of circumstances that don't look or feel good, I know you're powerful to rise up and calm the storm with but a whisper.