The Arrow

This morning I meditate on some amazing lyrics to a new song that Josh Garrels has recently released, on his Home album, called Arrow:

An arrow is stuck between my ribs 

And I pray to God, Don’t let it end like this 

I fought like a man with will to live 

But I was betrayed by the man within 

How on earth did it all go down like this? 

I’ve got no words to make sense of it 

My shield, my fight for righteousness 

Could not protect me from myself 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend 

How long did I fool myself 

Believing I, I didn’t need nobody’s help 

A fool trusts in his power and his wealth 

Until he’s brought down low 

Unto a shadow of himself 

The arrow was sent to intervene 

It pierced my bones and shook me from my dream 

Lord You know exactly what I need 

Wounds from a friend, severe mercy 

I’m looking for the higher power 

To be my mighty tower 

Save me from myself, Oh yeah 

But I’m-a fall seven more times 

And it ain’t nobody’s fault except mine 

There’s only one way out 

Please, Lord, forgive me 

I’m down on my bended knees 

And I need your love 

Mercy is your medicine 

Help me turn around again 

To You, my friend

https://joshgarrels.bandcamp.com/track/the-arrow

Before I even looked up the actual lyrics, this song took hold of me from the moment I listened to it; like a strong fist grabbing me by the chest holding me up in a fierce storm. I literally put the song on repeat for what’s been days in a row now, not fully comprehending it’s full meaning and impact on my life until this morning. Before we get to the juicy details of my confession, let me set the stage.

I’ve been divorced since 2010; dedicated my life to Christ in 2011, and I’ve kept my body pure (no sex) since July of 2011. But the year between these two events was “hell in the hallway” so to speak. I fell into a state of desperation - after ending a long marriage with basically no physical intimacy - I was starved for attention, mentally, physically, emotionally; dying inside for someone to see me, to know me, to notice me. Not having been on the dating scene for 15 years, I quickly found myself in uncharted territory. A friend suggested online dating; one thing led to another and what started with one toe cautiously dipped into the cesspool of artificial socialization spread in a short time, like wildfire, to me scouring the depths of depravity. It was so easy; all the attention I could hope for lie waiting in the next chat, the next picture, the next text. I quickly found myself the subject of pornography which led to a series of one night stands with men of all ages. Sexuality had become a false sense of empowerment, where I allegedly could win back my dignity and self-respect from all the years of being ignored and denied by my husband. But the power left as soon as the moment was over, and the darkness that descended upon me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in my life. It was a death grip of fear and shame, with a dose of hopelessness on the side just to keep me in line. I remember one night in my shower, I began weeping uncontrollably, crying out to God, “you have got to save me from myself”. Within a few months of that plea He would send a woman in my life who was the most authentic representation of Jesus I’d ever encountered, and the rest is history as they say. 

Why do I bring all that up, you say? Well, it’s been an amazing journey with God, healing and putting all the pieces back together of me that I had so carelessly given away. It’s been a long, winding road toward self love, self respect and honor and appreciation for who I am - and if I’m totally honest, I would say there’s still a ways to go down that road to be at a place where I am absolutely content with myself (in a healthy way, not complacency). I do love myself; I love my quirks and my smile, I love my creativity and my uniqueness, I love the way God made my eyes and I love my open heart and genuineness. But there has always been this voice inside, for as long as I can remember, that is my greatest critic. That voice is masculine and it always says the same things, and it’s always about my body and my weight. We can save the Freudian examination for later as far as what that all means, aside from the fact that it’s obvious I have lacked affirmation from men in my life, starting with my father, specifically related to how I look. Maybe it’s been a million voices from the magazine covers and the movies, from the pop culture to the constant sexuality in our advertisements - all with one clear message - you’re not enough; not pretty enough, good enough, strong enough; whatever enough resonates with you. We have literally programmed ourselves to self loathe; generating impossible expectations for ourselves and others as we major in critical thinking, and not the healthy intellectual kind. 

Since I have heard about the idea of mind renewal from the Word and other teachings like Steve Backlund, I have been on a relentless pursuit of higher thinking for myself. I have made enormous progress, overcoming so much abuse, neglect, programming, etc., to come full view to a healthy view of myself. But as of late, that inner voice that ceaselessly whispers to me about my body has grown much louder. I have been pursuing health and fitness for myself now since 2012, which is in and of itself a whole other discussion for another day, needless to say that I am much healthier and happier, but there has been little to no physical change to my body. That has been the most challenging for me and it has been the source for moments of hopelessness in this journey to a full and whole me. I know what has begun to trigger more of this self bombardment of criticism again, and that’s the reason I’m writing. Dating.

From 2012 until maybe two weeks ago, I had not dated nor was I looking to; my focus was me and figuring out me before adding someone else to the mix. My core values are in place, my heart is set faithfully on God, and I’ve placed everything in his hands. But for the past two years I’d say there’s been this growing desire to find that person I want to build a life with, and this search has left me with more questions than answers, and frankly I’m at a real point of frustration over it. After finished 1st year of school I thought, man I don’t ever want to date outside of this culture. But after two years of waiting for men to be men in the church I’ve been faced with the realization that, whatever the reasons, whatever the issue is with men in the church related to pursuing women, I may have to look outside my culture to find love. I’ve recently begun meeting people online, which was a huge step for me to take obviously given my past. I’m not worried about falling into the same pitfalls as before, well because I’m not the same person. Jesus has my heart and the man who wants it has to go through him first. But if I could preach it here for a minute, I am just as frustrated as I can be at the fact that in order to get a date, I have to go outside the church. Can I get a witness?!! What is up with that? 

Dating is hard. No one wants to be the one to say yes when the other person is saying no, blah blah blah. It’s not blah blah blah, but you know what I mean. It’s serious, but it’s kinda dumb too. Can't we all just agree that we are all amazing, that someone not choosing us doesn’t make us NOT amazing; can't we all agree that it sucks just as bad to be the one saying I’m not attracted to you as it is the one hearing it? Can’t men be men and women be women and pursue and be pursued respectively? Is it just me or are the days of seeing something you want and passionately pursuing it over? I don’t know. I've had a couple of coffee dates with men outside the church; nice men, good men; but who don’t share many of the same core beliefs. My beliefs are everything to me; they are the foundation on which my whole life is built. How can I build a life with someone whose life isn’t on the same trajectory as mine? I can’t. I don’t have any answers, I’m more writing to flush out questions and frustration that I’m having. But I really want to have this conversation - with single people who are in the thick of it - what are your experiences? What wisdom do you employ in taking on this great mountain called dating? What are ways we can be kinder, gentler, more receptive and less brutal toward each other as well fumble our way towards discovery? 

So why the song you ask. Well, I did promise you juicy confession, although you’l most likely be disappointed. I’m still pure, still going to choose purity, so that’s not the issue. The issue is what voice I’m listening to. Because that critical voice that tells me my body’s not the right type or this or that is certainly not from God. I’m genuinely in a struggle right now, between my desire to become the person I see myself as already - and that includes a physical level of health and appearance that I want - I don’t think it’s vanity to want that; but keeping that in blanche to not tip back over to the other end of the scale that says I’m not loved and accepted until….. that is my struggle, not listening to that voice. We all have that voice and it tells us all something that isn’t true about ourselves. Getting contented with and understanding the heart of God for each of us is the key to silencing this voice forever. I will keep running towards God until His song is so strong I can’t but help hear anything else. 

Overcoming Fears, Lies and Disappointments

I want to share with you what's been happening in my life the past few months. As you may or may not know, last year (in 1st Year BSSM), the Lord was walking me through fear and performance related to my career. All my life I saw my creative talents as a smorgasbord of things at my disposal to choose from in order to capitalize on to make money, which in and of itself is not bad except that I did so separate from God. In essence, I prostituted my talents for money. Since coming back to the Lord, I've walked through this journey of laying my gifts, talents and dreams down at his feet, where he then empowers me to pick them up again under his blessing and supervision. Last year the Lord was walking me through this process where I was facing the fear of loosing my job and the issue of my talents/career being a large portion of my identity.

I received a prophetic word from Shawn Bolz at the creative conference last April where he gave me a word that I was coming into a season of discovery where the Lord was putting no pressure of performance on me, that in this season I would carve out a whole new career for myself. That same day I lost my job and I've been walking through this journey of learning to trust my Father in heaven to love, care for and provide for my needs, wants and desires. Summer was great; I stepped out in faith and he rewarded me so generously.

But this fall, since I have been back to Redding, it's been this knock-down, drag-out fight for me to gain the things he promised me in that word. In the midst of terrible opposition, there has been extraordinary favor and provision from the Lord. Through it all, it has been this process of facing fear and the Lord overcoming on my behalf. Let me paint you a picture.

Over the summer I traveled back to the east coast, with no job or income, on faith. The Lord met me where I was at and always provided. It was a time of listening to his still, quiet voice and stepping out in faith that it was him speaking. I felt slight impressions all summer that God had said he was going to provide a house for us, but I had no idea what that would look like. I come back to Redding for 2nd Year, not knowing where I would live and knowing I had no money to go to school, let alone provide for my sons. I stayed with a friend the first 3 days, then I packed up my car (after basically living out of it since June) and headed to church. Before I got out of the driveway, I get a call from another friend that says God has put it on her heart to provide a home for me and the boys for this school year. When I rewind to think about what level of faith I had about what kind of home the Lord would provide for me, it wasn't much. I thought that maybe we'd get to live with other people for free, or that the place would be less than the place we stayed in last year. I had honestly prepared my heart for this meager provision of barely getting by that the Lord had for me. If you've seen pictures of the home I'm in now; it is truly the most expensive home I've ever lived in. I couldn't have afforded it if I still had my job. Another thing; I want you to know that being without a job was hard for me. I felt irresponsible deep down inside. When I had to depend on the kindness of others for the things I needed, it felt shameful and I battled thoughts of being less than; that being in need was bad and that I really couldn't and didn't want to have to depend on others. These were the main underlying emotions that began culminating in me through this whole process.

Even after I knew that I now had the cost of my rental covered, it took three weeks of fighting to get into it; as we went from place to place, week after week. I was exhausted from living out of a suitcase and my car for 4 months, I was unsure about where to put the boys in school because we didn't have our own address. Then it's a fight to get into school; a potential job offer comes my way right before the money came in I had this crisis not knowing whether or not God was going to show up to pay for school or if the dream was over and I now had to come back to reality and get a job. Those were honestly my thoughts. God's goodness up to that point had felt like a dream, one that would soon come crashing down. That's what life had taught me through experience, and that was what I expected to happen. But God showed up and the money came in for school.

The next few months I'm going through this process of barely scraping by. I've got money coming in now through unemployment, but it's not enough to pay my bills on time, so there's this constant tension of me trying to renew my mind in the truth that he's a good Daddy, that he's going to provide for me and my family and the reality of what I'm experiencing which is lack. I go back and forth between making the case for what God is going to do and building up a case against God for what he hasn't done. There were many times I felt as if I was bi-polar; one moment I'm at the highest high, connected to God's love for me and resting in his peace and joy, then I come crashing down onto the pavement of fear with waves of doubt and discouragement trying to overtake me.

I know what to do. Mind renewal. Mind renewal is the process by which we replace the lies we're believing with the truth of God's word. That truth can come through his word, the bible; it can come through prophetic words, encouragement, impressions and feelings connected to the Holy Spirit. So my process has been, as circumstance arises; I see fear come up and I recognize oh that's fear, that's not from God, so I chop it off in a sense and run over to this camp of declaring and waging war against those lies and replacing them with truth. And it would bring me to a place of peace and joy for a while. But I wasn't able to remain in this place.

For the past 3 weeks the tension in my life has been building and building. I was looking at the reality of my life and the situation I am in - no job, no money, unemployment ended, questioning whether or not I'd actually be able to stay in school. I began looking to tomorrow; looking forward at the impending doom of bills I couldn't pay and groceries I couldn't buy and I began to question everything. Had I heard God correctly in it all; was I really supposed to be in school, this lack I face is so big, how could I possibly expect him to provide, had I been irresponsible all along in stepping out? My case against the Lord's goodness had mounted so high that my attempts to renew my mind were failing miserably. Thursday before last I woke up from a horrible night's sleep, where I had actually been visited by the spirit of suicide, and after days of weeping, I went to my revival group and announced I was leaving school to get a job. They loved and supported me right where I was at and that was that.

The next day, my girlfriend says she feels like Matthew 6:25-34 is for me: 25)“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26)Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27)Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28)“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29)Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30)If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31)So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32)For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33)But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34)Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Now I've heard that verse a hundred times and I know theologically that's true. But what she said after hit me. She said something like you've been looking ahead at what's coming, you need to look behind to see what he's done. At first I was starting to unravel the mess, but later God began speaking to me about this:

Seek first His kingdom and righteousness; do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own.  How do we seek the kingdom? By casting off every argument that raises itself against the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is Truth (in every circumstance), and the truth sets us free. The Lord was also speaking to me about community and what role we play in each other's lives.

Galatians 6:2-5 (NIV)
2)Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3)If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4)Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5)for each one should carry their own load.

In a recent bible study, Havilah talks about this verse and how the word "burdens" means "crushing load", and the word "load" means like a backpack. So basically, we are to help one another carry their crushing loads; but we each are responsible for carrying the day to day load of our life. Her point was that many in the body of Christ are so busy carrying other peoples daily loads, thinking that's biblical, when in fact that's keeping us tied up from being able to help each other with our crushing loads.

But God highlighted this to me: If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.

So many times I've thought of this verse as a warning against self pride (in fact other translations say if you think you're something when you're nothing instead of not); and I'm certain that it does indeed apply to that spectrum of thinking. But the Lord was actually showing me through this verse that me thinking less of myself than I ought to is equally deceptive. For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. What I think about myself, my situation and God has a profound affect on what my experience ends up being.

Fear is a manifestation of deception that I have agreed with; when I'm afraid I'm believing something that isn't true, either about myself, God and/or the situation. In the midst of challenging circumstances, we have been trained to use our past experiences and feelings to carve out our expectations. But the word tells us we are to seek His kingdom and righteousness first.

It doesn't say to ignore your past experiences and feelings.  

It says to seek the kingdom FIRST; before you look at your past and your feelings. The kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy. So we are commanded to bring ourselves to a place of peace, joy and righteousness before we start to problem solve.

So I'm working through these revelations and I'm like well I have been doing mind renewal so what's the problem. Then the Lord showed me that I was indeed identifying lies and attempting to replace them with truth in my mind, but my feelings weren't coming into agreement because they were still frozen over in the fear. This case I had built up emotionally against the Lord was now exploding all over my life. When I tried my friend's approach of looking back to see what God has done, I saw and connected with the emotions of lack associated with those experienced FIRST before I then saw the breakthrough that came.

When I woke up that morning, 3 words were going through my mind, over and over: fears, lies and disappointments. I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me the missing piece was hidden in exploring these 3 things. So I began taking inventory of the things that were bothering me or making me afraid. I listed many of them already. In my attempt to cut off fear that I saw in my life, I actually didn't take the necessary time to acknowledge my emotions that were associated with fear. When I began to do that it was obvious how ridiculous the lies were that I had partnered with. I was able then to look at my prophetic words and piece together all the things the Lord's been speaking to me to reveal a whole new emotional space for myself to occupy, one that was confident in the Lord's promises and provision for me.

I just want to stop and say how grateful I am for the Lord's gentleness and kindness towards me during this time. I realized my circumstances weren't the problem, lack of money isn't the problem; the problem is who do I think I am and who do I think God wants to be for me. Different day. Same problem. My circumstances are here to help me build history with God. He doesn't create the bad but he's smart enough to use it to bring us closer to him. My circumstances were largely a result of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around about not being provided for. And every time a new circumstance would arrive, it would trigger the emotions  of abandonment and lack related to the fear which crippled my faith and lowered my expectations of God's goodness in my life.

We can't think our way out of circumstances; nor can we feel our way out of them on our own. Only in partnership and friendship with the Godhead are we able to overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. During the conference Randy Clark was talking about when he prophesied over Heidi Baker. She was a burnt out missionary desperate for a touch from God. Randy prophesied over her, "Do you want the nation of Mozambique? She cried YES!" He laid his hands on her and the power of God threw her to the floor and ripped through her for days. But it's what he said about what happened after that called my spirit to attention. Over the next year, everything that happened seemed to be polar opposite of Randy's word. She and Roland got sick, so did 3 of her leaders. They lost a million dollars in funding support and their church buildings were taken away. That's when the light bulb went off for me. I knew that the circumstances sent against me were sent to test  the word of God in my life. One other thing Randy said; he asked Heidi, would you have been able to go through all of that and still have faith if you had not been touched by the Lord in power? No, I certainly wouldn't have been able to she replied.

Once I dealt with my fear; exposed it, brought it out into the light, then I have been able to see the lies and speak truth and come back into a place of peace and joy. It's funny, I can't explain it except to say I have known all these things for some time now, but something happened that just triggered a deeper awareness of them. Back in a place of peace, I was able to look back on my life, reexamine the prophetic words, look at what the spirit has been saying to me, what have leaders spoken in my life, etc.

Either I believe God called me to Bethel or I don't. If I do, then, once God speaks on something in my life, I don't have the right to challenge that. Faith requires that I expect in that area going forward. Either I believe that God spoke through Shawn Bolz and said he was going to provide for me in this season of discovery or not. If I do, then I don't have a right to begin entertaining thoughts that aren't in line with that truth. This walk requires constant communion with Holy Spirit to hear not just what he has said but what he's saying.

I still don't have a job or income coming in; I still have bills that are due I can't pay and shut off notices I don't have money for. My circumstances haven't changed, but my heart has. I really know that he's a purposeful God, that I'm here for a reason that it's important that I'm here. I really know that this journey we are on together is all about me learning to trust him in every way, so that I can be totally surrendered to him. I can't fully give myself to someone I don't fully trust. Regardless of what happens, I know his plans for me are so much bigger than my wildest dreams, and that I can only get them in friendship with him. He is hell-bent on squeezing every bit of orphan out of me so that I can be his favored daughter. It's all about sonship. That's the goal, the price, the quest, the treasure. It's important to seek out experience of the Holy Spirit. God is power; we need his touch to mark us in new ways in order to be able to stand in faith in the midst of the storm. I was touched many times this week by the Lord, which has helped me turn things around in my heart. Twice this week on two different occasions, I encountered his peace gently rolling over my body over and over. I also felt electricity in my right hand going in to my elbow, then I felt sensations over my face where it felt like a heartbeat was on my face. These experiences weren't dramatic and overwhelming, but they were real. God is real, he's a person; he's intimate, he's a God of power. He's inviting us into this place of knowing through experience who he is. His nature is inexhaustible. And I must experience him more, at any price. Dignity, pride, false senses of security all crumble in his presence. All he asks is that I acknowledge and thank him when he touches me, no matter how great or small the touch is.

An Open Letter to my Friends and Family

It is with joy and a little sadness that I write to you this time of year; joy in the fullness of the Lord in my heart, joy in the blessings he's pouring forth in my life - sadness in that I find myself so far away from you. But it is the joy I choose to hold on to and focus on, stirring up the wonderful memories of yesterday and enjoying the ones from today as I look forward to those yet to come. 

I must admit that I do not keep in touch with those I love well enough; perhaps it is from some broken place within me, or maybe it's just how I'm bent. Either one will require intentionality on my behalf to do better. But please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers always and that my heart is to reach out to you more than I do. 

I felt there was no better day than Christmas for me to reflect on the past year and share it with you. It has been an amazing time for me here at Bethel. Last year was all about stepping into a place of accepting who I am as a daughter, learning to love and see myself through God's eyes, and stepping into greater levels of faith and hope for what God wants to do in my life. Last year, also, was about me stepping out of fear and performance in my career. Most of you know that I lost my job in May, but the word of the Lord spoken through Shawn Bolz at the Creative Conference released the grace I needed to step into this season with confidence in God's provision over my life. 

This fall since coming back to Redding has been something new entirely. I have painted a picture of a tree on my wall that I feel is a prophetic picture of my life right now (see pictures). The winds of change are blowing me over; I am bent and swaying in the wind, my leaves are coming off and I am being stretched beyond what I ever thought I could be; and yet, my trunk is firmly planted and rooted in who I am in the Lord. 

I feel like these last several months have been a time of refining for me. Right before Halloween I felt the grace to fast, which I have had trouble with in the past because of my food addictions, but I felt this grace come on me for fasting and so I did, for 7 days I was on a strict liquid fast. I rarely felt hungry and I felt amazing during it, having only a few detox symptoms. But I got off the fast by having some of the kids' Halloween candy which led me to crash out. I went through a period of guilt and shame, but then broke agreement with that. But after that it seemed as if I was so sensitive to the spirit realm around me, as if I was affected by every little thing in the atmosphere. Things started coming up for me.... issues I thought I had already dealt with like overcoming my eating disorder and issues of self-hatred and feeling unloved, and the most glaring one, overcoming poverty to step into prosperity. It felt as if I was going around and around the mountain, not making any progress. But the Lord gave me a picture of this tree; the tree was me and there were all these dead branches that were being cut down and drug away and thrown onto his fire. I think that picture really helped me to realize that I am making great progress; that every time a pile is drug away and burnt I am being refined and brought to a place of wholeness that wasn't possible before. 

It's not been easy. When I got back to Redding this fall, I stayed with another single mom for 3 days. Not knowing where I was going to go, but feeling as if the Lord was telling me all summer that he was going to provide a house for us, I left her place to go to church. Before I pulled out of the driveway, a lady friend from MI called me to say that the Lord has put it on her heart to pay for our rent. We ended up in this beautiful house as a result (see pictures)!! I couldn't afford to live here when I was working - it was totally the goodness of God. This summer I also felt like the Lord was saying to me that, as in the days of Michelangelo, I would have a patron of the arts come forth to support me in this season of discovery that Shawn Bolz had spoken over me. Since then there has been one giant or another standing in the way of me inheriting that promise. It took me 3 weeks of fighting, moving from temporary place to place with my sons before we finally secured a house. After that, it was another week and a half before funding came in for me to start school. During that time I had a potential job offer come my way. The obvious thing to do was to take it, but I had nothing but anxiety every time I thought about it. Something was gnawing in me that that was not what God was asking of me. When I would ask God outright if I should take the job, I heard nothing. 

I made the decision finally to decline the job, stepping out in faith that God had different plans. He confirmed to me that next day at school through a lecture Bill gave that I had made the right decision. Since then it's been a game of catching up regarding finances; living off unemployment and paying things a month late in many cases. Most recently, before Thanksgiving, I decided to have a craft booth at the Bethel bazaar. I know God has spoken to me about painting being a stream of income for me, so I stepped out. I rented the booth for $20, brought my paintings to sell and I offered caricatures on the spot. It was fun, I had a great time ministering to people but I only made $30. Then in the parking lot as I'm packing up to leave, I accidentally backed into a woman's minivan who was parked in the middle of the street. My trunk was full and I had not seen the vehicle behind me. Because I was 2 months behind on my auto insurance I did not have coverage to file a claim, which brought about some interesting complications. Soon after I had a shut-off notice for my electric service, but because I had filed for my benefits for unemployment and had claimed the money I made at the Bazaar, it took them an extra week to get me my money. I had made a payment arrangement with the city I couldn't keep and so when the money came in the next day I went in they required $600+ to keep it on. I had to pay it which left me only $200 for other bills and food. 

But in the same breath, I must confess the goodness of the Lord so completely over me during these circumstances. Several times someone has brought me and my boys bags full of groceries. Others have handed me cash at pivotal times when I had nothing. Then, after the electric bill fiasco, a group I'm in took up a donation for me and it helped me get back on my feet. Then the kids grandma and dad sent extra money for Christmas so I could get presents for them. It's been amazing and challenging. I guess through it all I've wondered, as if waiting for some new revelation to be released that I can use to overcome. But that has been in error. God has shown me through these circumstances that He is and will always stay the same, that His heart and plans for me will never change, that I can truly trust Him. He's shown me that I'm already equipped; that it's the process of renewing my mind - using His truth and declaring that over my life in times of difficulty - that will help me to overcome. Somehow I forget that that is exactly the enemy's plan for me - to wear me down and get me to a point where I forget who I am and who God is for me. I'm well equipped. To overcome. Now. Today. The biggest challenge has been this prosperity thing; I have come from a poverty mindset to knowing that I am prosperous. It's an inside job; the heart and the mind. I have made that shift and I've remained generous regardless of my financial circumstances. But I have seen very little fruit of it so far. But it is coming; I can feel the shift taking place. 

Yesterday morning I got a new picture from the Lord that I felt was foretelling of this next season I'm coming in to. It was a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. The air was warm and sweet smelling, and tiny blossoms slowly floated around in the air around the tree as if in some sort of dream. It was a beautiful picture of beautiful promises yet to come that I cherish dearly. I wanted to share all of this because I want to be intentional, not only about reaching out to you, but about creating value for the process in my life. I don't ever want to put forth this face where I only show the good things that are happening. I want to be real about the challenges and struggles in my life, hopefully that you can draw from them some hope and faith for yourself. It's simple, but far from easy; God has chosen that we interact with him through faith. Without faith, it is impossible to please God. He has already overcome everything through the cross of Christ; these processes are now teaching us to step into those levels of overcoming that we need to in order to become Sons and Daughters, Kings and Priests. It is not God's punishment that puts me in these circumstances; it's his kindness. Because in His wisdom he knows that's how I am transformed from glory to glory. 

For those who don't know, I'm taking two tracks and two advanced tracks this year - can you say busier than a one-armed paper-hanger!! I'm in the Heaven in Business Track with Andy Mason where I have been assigned a team of people who are helping me form my dream into a business - to create the first ever prophetic arts magazine. The second is the Film Track which is part of Theresa Dedmon's creative track. The advanced tracks are the painting one with Theresa and the advacned film track with Matt & Joy Thayer. I am writing and directing my first short (less than 8 minutes) which is about beauty. I'll have an update soon on the status of those; but if you could pray for me in these areas: (1) that I would be led by the Spirit in all I create; (2) that I would pursue creativity from passion not money; (3) that I would make decisions from a place of daughtership and not out of fear or pressure; (4) that I would trust people and God to do their part, I can't do it all alone, I need other creative people in order to get where I'm going and create what he's put inside of me.  

These last weeks of 2014, I am being intentional about finishing things I've started this year; creatively, emotionally, etc., to prepare myself for what's to come. Paintings I started last year or earlier this year that are still unfinished I'm finishing one by one. As I do, I expect my being faithful in stewarding what God's given me to be fully rewarded. I fully expect my patron of the arts to come forth at exactly the right time. I fully expect the creative projects I'm working on to be successful. I fully expect to walk in divine health and nutrition this year as I pursue physical wholeness. I fully expect that the Lord's plans to prosper me are so much greater than what I can imagine on my own. I fully expect to meet my husband this year and for those desires of my heart to come forth. I fully expect the Lord's favor to be in all that I'm seeking to do and accomplish. 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Be blessed and know you are loved. 

XXOO, Jen, Michael & Max :-)

A Letter to Myself in Times of Trouble

Dear Jen,

I'm writing you this letter to remind you of who you are and whose you are from a place of faith and identity. Right now you feel good. Right now things are going well. Right now you feel loved, safe, protected, covered and adored. This letter is for all the times yet to come when the winds of change blow into your life and shake the very foundations of who you are, making you question everything. 

You are a most favored daughter of the King. The very one who breathed galaxies into existence fashioned you in your mother's womb. He delighted in putting the finishing touches on your special beauty and made you unique, unlike any other created being. You are beautiful. No one else carries the expression of Him that he pulled out from himself to make you. No one has your laugh, your skin, your hair, your eyes. You are a full spectrum of delight in your Father's eyes. 

This letter is to remind you of the Father's love over you. When times get tough, as they always do, this will give you hope and strength to find your faith again; faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in God. You are radically loved and highly favored. The Lord has worked many miracles at your hand, He's worked many miracles on your behalf. There has never been a situation in your life that He has not turned around for good. He has always been present, always watching, always acting on your behalf. His plans for you are greater than the most outrageous dreams you have for yourself, His thoughts about you - which are ALL good - are as many as the sands in the sea. He is kind and purposeful, everything He allows is from a position of absolute wisdom and nothing takes place outside of his authority. Now, when you're down and out that truth can feel brutal, hard, unloving. But the truth is, that He has given all authority back to his sons and daughters, and so the darkness of this world is not a result of His lack of love or involvement but it's a result of the lack of action by his sons and daughters. 

You have an enormous creative Destiny on your life. You were gifted with a measure of talents that carry a unique creative signature of God that no one else has been equipped with. (The same goes for every person ever created. Whether it's math, sales, decorating or raising a child, each created person has an expression of God's creativity that no one else carries. To live your life expressing yourself in the fullness of what He imagined for you is to reveal who God is to the rest of the planet. The world is waiting for you to reveal God). God has already set aside the provision and the equipment I need to accomplish the desires of my heart. In every circumstance, He's already extended an invitation for me to sit beside Him in the heavenly realms to see it all from His perspective. He is always talking and always Has a way through the problem. The enemy is not equal to God, he is a created being just like me. God has given the enemy limited access to me, allowing the enemy to craft his plans against me to release circumstances - but God uses them to teach me how to be a daughter, how to walk in my authority and to reveal His wisdom in the earth. There is nothing I'm facing right now that hasn't already been defeated on the cross of Christ. 

I'm writing this to myself because in the middle of circumstances I will forget. Somehow, each time I walk into a somewhat self-induced amnesia where all the good things the Lord has done to me, for me, with me fall away as I stare face to face with the enormity of the problem in front of me. But don't worry; God isn't surprised or offended by my reaction, He isn't left doubting His own goodness in my life. Rather I think He expects it, I think that's the essence of being human and being childlike. For a child is helpless on their own, fully dependent upon their parents for identity, instruction and survival. I rather think that He's waiting for us to realize our circumstances aren't about what is happening to us, but rather it's about who He desires to be for us. Every moment of pressure in our lives reveals who and what we really are beneath the surface, beyond the masks we wear and claims we make about ourselves. It is His kindness and wisdom that He allows who we are to be revealed so that we may relinquish control, confess our weakness and dependency upon Him, and in doing so enjoy the privilege of gaining His strength to overcome every circumstance as mature sons and daughters. 

This is the essence of what it means to be a child of God, and it is His plan for every child to be fashioned as such. Just remember, you are who you think you are within your heart. The battleground is in your mind. The process is simple but not easy. We take His thoughts and replace them with our own. We do that through His word, the bible, we do it through our conversations with Him, and we do it by being an active participant in His holy church, however flawed and broken she may be, through encouragement, prophesy and love for one another. So it's relative to say that in the midst of my storms, I need those around me who are armed and equipped with the word of God to speak truth into my life. That I am to use the weapons He has given me in this season to wage war on my own mind, to tear down and destroy every lofty thought that raises itself up against the knowledge of God. That I allow His sword of truth to perform its delicate surgery on my heart, cutting out the very thoughts, feelings and experiences that lie about who He wants to be for me; and replace them with those that testify throughout the ages about who He has been, who He is and who He is yet to be for me. 

This letter isn't just for me, it's for all of us. It isn't just true for me but for you as well. Where are you? Are you in a safe place of comfort and peace or are you being tossed to and fro by the tsunamis of life? Either way, take hold of who He Says He is, and even more take hold of who He says you are. If you don't know what He says about you, find someone who knows and ask them. If you know but are suffering temporary amnesia, slap yourself, grab a friend and remind yourself of the glorious history between you and become a child again. 

Great Start to 2nd Year

"I started up the long flight of stairs to the upper rooms where the Bethel offices are, my heart beating out of my chest with excitement. 'I've never been up here before' I thought to myself. Uncharted territory. I walk to the end and meet Christine who welcomes me warmly into her tiny but fashionable cubicle. Yes, I nod, as she explains the Financial Responsibility / Payment Agreement form, committing me to a monthly amount I can't afford. I pen my John Hancock. But all I can focus on in the moment is the fact that I'm in. I'm finally in. Second year is here. And God came through."

I'm gonna step out on a limb here and be prophetic and declare that this will be the theme of this year for me.... God came through!! I can't fully describe what this journey has been for me. First year was all about me, establishing my identity as a daughter in the kingdom. Wading in the deeper waters of God's love and purposes for me... beginning to believe that God's intentionality towards me is much greater than I could have ever imagined. So many lies broken off, so many truths put in their proper order as bad theology falls to the waist side. The only up side to having walked away from the church for 20 something years is that there's less skewed truths to unlearn. But the world has taught me instead, branding its own versions of purpose and truth, not any better and arguably worse than the alternative. But no more. The accuser has been silenced in my mind, he no longer has any ammunition in which to accuse God to me. And I now know that the constant accusations that go before my God about me from the enemy have never made a dent in his fierce love for and relentless pursuit of me. I am his and he is mine. Every dark night of hell I've ever walked through pales in comparison to the glory of being a daughter of the Most High King. Selah.

I would say the prophesy from Shawn Bolz is what did it for me. Gabe talked in school today about the still quiet voice of the Lord; and that's a good thing, and I want to be so aware of his presence that I can discern the smallest whisper from his direction. But this prophetic word was the opposite of a still quiet voice; God shouted to me from the highest rooftops!! He let me know very publicly that I am known; I am important; that he is jealously watching over his promises to me; that my family matters to him. There's nothing to compare to a moment like that, aside from seeing his face, which I know is coming. Selah. This word was like a lightening bolt straight to my physical body, my soul and my spirit all in one - it zapped me to attention. It took me from half ass knowing and believing that God was 100% behind me no matter what to absolute certainty. And yet as I confess that, I know there are yet greater levels of this revelation for me to experience. His rhema word for my life catapulted me forward into my destiny.

Part of the prophetic word was about how I was coming into a new season of discovery, where God was not putting any pressure of performance on me, where I would enjoy long life and enjoy this discovery process which would lead me into a new career. That very same day I lost my job of 11 years. God is so intentional; there are no coincidences. This was the very word I was to use to stir up my faith for the next several months and beyond. In addition to this prophetic word, God has been speaking to me through repeating numbers on the clock. I have researched the word and documented the correlating scriptures. I have to be real with you; it was so scary stepping out and deciding to travel back east without a job and with my two sons to care for. But I knew that I knew God was calling me to do it, and I wanted to so bad. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've done so far, and yet through it all, this unshakable peace was over me. Every time someone would question me, God would show me a number; and I'd be like, NO!! This is what God has said, this is what I am going to stand on!! I knew I wasn't alone, that he was with me. And if he's with me, who can be against me?

So I did it all; traveled and came back to Redding with no job and no home and no money. I kept feeling all summer like the Lord was going to provide me and my sons a home, but I had no idea what that would look like. I also felt like he was bringing forth my patron of the arts, which was a prophetic word from Cindy Jacobs for my creative class. These weren't shouts from the rooftops this time, but nudges; momentary thoughts; quiet impressions within my being, not totally sure what the source was. So I would ask myself, is God good? Is his greatest desire for me to trust him? Is his desire to bless me greater than my desire to be blessed? Is he intentional? Can I trust him? What's my history with him in this area? And those were the questions that would cause great faith rise up in me to believe for the impossible. I stayed 3 days at a friend's house and then left out, heading to church, not knowing where me and my sons would stay that night. That's when the phone call came. What you say? God inspired you to cover housing costs for me and my sons the entire school year? For how much a month? $2,000 a month? And God wants ME to pick out the place, huh. You. have. got. to. be. kidding. Wow. Above and beyond all I could ask or think. The house we are in now, I couldn't afford if I still had my job. What is this? It's grace.

Let me tell you about grace. It's scandalous. Why is it scandalous, you ask? Because it's offensive. Even the most mature, seasoned believers I've seen react with some measure of offense. You see, it's offensive that I get for free what others have worked an entire life for. It offends everything we know about hard work and reward and paying our dues and dotting all the "i's" and crossing all the "t's". Hell, if I'm honest, it would probably offend me. I've had many moments of uncomfortability for sure. But I circle back around to, "what are you doing God? What are you saying here? And I see the repeating numbers blinking at me on the clock, and I hear his still, quiet voice whisper, "I'm jealously guarding your promised land; I never take my eyes off it".

This Sunday's message from Kris shook me to the core. It really did. You know that comment I made earlier where I said that Shawn's prophesy over me took me from half knowing to fulling believing in God's intentionality towards me? Well, that was true until this message Sunday. Then that greater measure of revelation I was talking about happened. I felt as if it erased every doubt I had towards God wanting to provide for me. Let me explain. You know the prophetic word from Cindy I mentioned about the patrons of the arts coming forth, right? Well, I realized when I heard Kris's message, that I'd been standing in two camps; one camp is this declaring and believing for God to do it; the other camp is iffyland. Iffyland is that place where all the buts and what ifs come out. But what about this? What if it's not God's will? What if you're in presumption? Etc. The truth is there was this internal battle taking place, where half of me was sure God was speaking these things, that he wanted to break off performance and fear related to provision and my career, and that he was going to provide for me. The other half were all the voices: you need a job; it's irresponsible for you to not have a job when you have two boys to take care of; there's no free ride; you need to take care of you. I even felt that people who were supporting me secretly felt this way, I could feel it in our conversations. What Kris's message did for me (if you haven't heard it you totally need to!) was utterly convince me that for good, bad and ugly, God is for me; and he's for me to the extent that I allow him to be.

What do I mean? Let's say that it wasn't God's plan for me to come back to Bethel. But let's say that I so believed it was and so wanted to that I stepped out in faith believing God to show up. If I think about this logically, through the lens of God is good, then even if I get it wrong, I have a good daddy who's got my back, who is going to show up for his little girl who needs him, right? But most of us don't go there. Instead we say if we're wrong and out of God's will then he will withhold his blessing from us. Now stay with me for a minute; I know this is a slippery slope here, and I'm well aware there is a precedence for this. What I'm trying to get at is that for much of the body of Christ that I've observed, the will of God for our lives becomes this illusive, just out of our reach thing that God dangles ten steps in front of us. How is that a good God? That sounds like manipulation to me. If God wanted to manipulate us, why did he put two trees in the garden and not one?

My point being, using my situation as an illustration, I believe God showed up in such an extravagant way for me because I believed, I trusted, and I stepped out. I think that when we do that with a pure heart, holding his promises loosely in our hands, keeping a clean heart free from offense if he doesn't show up in the way we think he will, that he can't help himself but to show up to show himself strong. This whole thing of striving to figure out his will for our lives is toil straight from hell. It's not of God. Yes, there is required of us this process of discovery of ourselves and of God to begin to hear his voice; but there's not this obtuse objective he has for you that's so far removed from the desires of your heart that you have no clue. God made you. He put every desire in your heart from your favorite sports team to the big stuff. He intended that to be his fool-proof plan that leads us straight to him, not away. He likes the dreams we have and the ideas and the quirky thing we do when we're nervous or embarrassed. He loves how he made us.

And I believe that to the degree that I believe that, to the point that I step out in great boldness, willing to look foolish or get it wrong; and to the degree that I agree with the greatness he dreamed about when he made me - agreeing with these in greater measure gives me access to him, to his wealth and riches and gifts and goodness in greater measure. That's my theory anyway; that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know how it turns out. ;-)

Declaring Your Way Into a New Life

I was writing a friend and thought it was too good not to share, enjoy!!

Let me share some of my testimony. Since last Feb., on my 40th birthday, I kind of claimed this promise of the bible. I said, God, I'm gonna be like Caleb!! When I'm 80 I'm going to be as strong and healthy as I am today at 40! I'm gonna take my mountain!". And God was like, "that's awesome sweetie". I'm like "yeah baby! Whoo hoo!! Supernatural health! Come on Jesus! Do it!!" And then I heard Papa God say, "well what are you going to do?" And I'm like, "who me?" He's like "yeah you." I'm like "well God, it's supernatural right? I thought you were gonna do it." He's like "I'll do my part, but you have to do yours." And it hit me, wow. What's my part, right? 

So that's when I started my vegan diet. I gave up caffeine, meat & dairy and sugar, processed foods, etc. I did it for 3 months and felt better than I ever had before. But I was also having identity issues because of my weight. I only lost 10 lbs. during this lifestyle change and so I got very discouraged, even angry. I felt like I didn't know what the solution was, that I was just trapped in this overweight body forever and like I had no power to get out of it, right? So that was last summer. 

When I got to Bethel I'm like ok, I need to go after this again; I really want this. So I do. That's when I start talking to a friend with ViSalus (a nutrition company) and I do a bunch of graphic work for her and get a bunch of her product as payment. It's protein shakes and meal replacement health cookies and stuff like that. So I start having protein shakes every day and eating really, really healthy. I started making declarations over myself every day in this area and have been since October. But the problem is, is that I've got stuff going on internally that's not healed, you know? I have these lies I believed about myself that were actually holding me back from breakthrough, because we are body, soul and spirit. And when our soul is broken and unhealthy, it affects what happens to our body and our spirit. 

So throughout last fall, I'm getting breakthrough in these areas, through people prophesying over me, through group meetings and stuff. Mostly just being with God and giving this issue to him over and over and being still in his presence and quiet and allowing him to reveal truth to my spirit about who I am and who he is. 

So all this time now I'm making declarations over myself that I'm beautiful, that I'm healthy, that I love food that's good for me, etc., etc., and so last week Beni Johnson spoke to our class about nutrition and body, soul and spirit. It was so inspiring to me because I have been going after this thing hard for over a year now and I've not seen any changes in the physical!!! But the things she listed to do, many of them I was already doing. So I felt like God was saying, my darling, you are on the right track! Don't give up! You can partner with my spirit, he will lead you in this! I care about this issue in your life!! So I was like wow, ok God, I got it. Then this Sunday I'm attending my Prosperous Soul class and I'm sitting next to my girlfriend and her husband who just had a baby. And the guy who runs the class, his assistant, Stephanie is talking to my friend and my friend is talking about her health breakthrough she needs (which I already knew about). Basically, her whole family has been chronically ill now for years - they've had to fight off mold and parasites and weird stuff, they have 3 children plus the baby now. So they walk over to me, and Stephanie says to her, I really feel like Jen should pray for you in this area. I feel like she carries something in the spirit that's going to bring breakthrough to you. So I did, I prayed what God had just revealed to me from the Beni thing over her. And it was powerful.

That's what the prophetic is. Prophets in the bible basically judged and condemned the people of Israel. But actually the prophets job is to release the word of the Lord. In the New Covenant though, prophets are not to condemn and judge but to release identity and hope to the church, and to equip the saints in prophesy. 1 Cor. 14:1 says "Pursue love, yet desire earnestly spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy." We are all meant to prophesy. The office of a prophet (the five fold ministry) is for certain people and those are gifts Jesus gives us, but the Spirit gives us spiritual gifts like prophesy. So basically, prophesy is hearing God's heart for a person or place and releasing it for the purposes of exhortation and encouragement. We all are called to practice hearing God's voice and seeing what he's doing, then releasing that over others and recognizing each other in the spirit, because our spirit beings are way different than what we can see with our eyes. 

I gave you all that to say this: Stephanie saw me in the spirit; she saw things about me that had not yet manifested physically. That's the prophetic. She called it out and I received. What that did for me is to confirm that all this time I've spent declaring things in the spirit has not yielded nothing, as it appears in the natural. But something has been changing and is changing. We are called to live lives of faith. Faith is believing in what isn't yet seen. So I've been speaking out in faith believing that my words were powerful enough to change my physical body (circumstances). And although I haven't seen the physical change yet, God sent his messengers - my friends - to confirm in me to give me more hope and grace to keep pressing in.

I'm sharing this testimony because it's for you. My breakthrough is your breakthrough. You simply have to receive and believe, and begin to claim it for your own. Don't give up. Press in to the thing it is you are going after. God is with you, not against you. He is championing you on from the sidelines. He cares much more about the condition of our heart than our comfort. There is something you need to break through in the spirit to receive your breakthrough in the natural. Our words are powerful and they hold life and death in them. Choose your words carefully. Speak life, success, hope and victory over yourself in faith that the God you serve is one who is powerful enough to fulfill his promises. Because he so is. 

My Missions Trip to San Francisco 2014

I went to San Francisco. It was an amazing trip. Because I joined the team last minute I didn't really know or understand the goals or purpose and I didn't really feel like part of the team. I made some connections at first with a few people, but overall I felt like I didn't know my leaders or their vision for this trip. 

The first night one of my leaders, Krystal, asked us up front and told us to pick someone or multiple people out of the crowd and prophesy over them. Well her husband, Judah (the other leader) and myself, we got and gave a word for the whole group instead of individuals. I kind of got elbowed in the middle of mine and it shook me up a bit. I felt offense building up in my heart. Afterwards, during the debrief, Krystal talked to the group about not following the plan she had laid out. She explained that not doing so undermined her spiritual authority over the event and disrupted the flow of what she was feeling in the spirit that God wanted to release. She expressed her desire for us to operate out of a place of unity. I was trying to understand, but honestly part of me felt like that as a leader it was her job to encourage those under her to step out, and I didn't feel very encouraged. But I knew that regardless, that this wasn't my trip, I wasn't leading - I was there to serve; so I went low and adjusted my heart. 

There were a couple of other times after that where I had to do the same thing. Nothing major, just points of timing or whatever where I felt like she was being critical or overbearing or controlling. These were my feelings; which are fallible and they aren't the rudder in which we use to steer our lives. Me feeling someone is critical doesn't mean they are; it's my reaction to the situation. So again, I had to check my heart several times, reminding myself that I was here to serve, no matter what. So I did. But as the days passed, I grew more and more impassioned to be part of the group and not just the one. We had so much fun, laughing and playing games, giggling and dancing, acting like teenagers. It was truly the most fun I've had in years.

I have edited this blog because I want to say something about offense. I wanted to be brutally honest about my own heart offense that I dealt with because I think there's an important lesson here. We (humans) are a people of offense; we are easily offended. If we are not constantly checking our hearts and renewing our minds, we can find endless things to be offended about. With that said, I learned something powerful from my leaders, those on my team and even myself about offense and the power I have to not be offended. We can be in situations where someone else is in charge, and in those situations is always easy for us to insert ourselves into that place and think, "Oh this is how I'd do that, or that's how I'd do this." The only problem with that is, we are so busy critiquing and analyzing the situation that we're not fully engaged, but more importantly we're not submitted to authority, and therefore, we are undermining the team. So when I talk about any bumps in the road I experienced during this trip regarding offense, let me be clear - the one that needed correction was me. Because that's who I'm responsible for. That's the one I can change. What I discovered is that not only is it my responsibility to manage my offense, but it's also my responsibility to seek what it is I need in order to effectively come under that leadership.

So in this case, I didn't feel connected to my team or my leaders at first and didn't know their vision for the trip. So I waited, passively as a victim to be fed what it was that I needed, and when it wasn't it had a tendency to bring in more offense or entitlement. In retrospect, I can see that it was perfectly legal and probably wise for me to seek out that connection in order to be a functioning part of the team. I shouldn't have waited for my leaders to give their testimonies before seeking them out myself privately. I shouldn't have waited to submit my heart fully to their vision, thinking it was their responsibility to reveal that to me. That is the biggest thing that's changed me, is that I feel now that I am equipped, not just to do signs and wonders and to love well, which is great, but to know how to wholly submit myself under a leader and to seek out and get the things I need (connection) in order to do that wholeheartedly. A house divided cannot stand.  

For the most part, we went around to different churches and built up the leadership through prophesy and love. We went to Oakland to SUM, School of Urban Ministry, located in the darkest and most economically deprived place in the U.S. arguably. We had a chance to reach out to and love on and prophesy over young boys and girls from 12 - 17 yrs old. It was amazing. The leadership at SUM was amazing and we just poured out into them as they also poured out into us.

After that we had a chance to meet with a couple, Jen & Markus, who are German (husband) I think the wife is American (or Canadian?). Anyway, they have a ministry in an affluent part of the city where business people and a lot of retirees live. Their ministry as missionaries is to build community among these upper-middle class people just through love and doing community. It was an amazing experience for me because it gave eyes to a possible view of what my ministry might look like. We spent the day loving on them and encouraging their vision and mission. Markus took us on a tour of the city and gave us historical information on the city. I visited my first Catholic chapel; it took my breath away. We did a prayer walk around the city and called the city named after St. Francis to her rightful destiny. 

That Friday night, we went out into the tenderloin district, which is the highest homeless population in California I think. God really broke my heart for these people and gave me a special grace of compassion for them. Me and my partner went out together, armed with hot dogs and personal health items, to attack the city for God. Right away I came across this elderly man named Jerry. He was a veteran and had served in the war. He was disabled - one of his legs was considerably shorter than the other. He told me his story, that he had been hit while riding a motorcycle by limousine and had been left on the side of the road for eight hours. We just sat down with this man for like 40 minutes and listened to him. I tried to speak words of love and affirmation and identity, and I even prayed for his leg but nothing happened. I began to feel hopelessness rise up in my heart that I just felt like that there wasn't enough love that I could give this man that would break off everything that he had experienced in his life. I know after the fact that I'd partnered with a spirit of hopelessness; that what I bring is more powerful than what holds them, but honestly in the moment I was so paralyzed by their depravity and their homelessness and their pain that I just couldn't climb out of that place. 

Next we came across these two guys and they were selling the homeless newspapers. This one guy was drunk off his butt, but something about him captivated me. I saw a dimly lit sparkle in his eyes, not yet snuffed out by humanity. I saw past the person standing in front of me and I was able to see the person that he had once been and the person that he was destined to be. So I engaged him in conversation as my partner talked to his friend. He told me some of his story and then he told me that he was a poet. At that point I was so captivated, I said "hey I like poetry to I would love to hear your poem". When his friend heard that he was about to recite his poem, he said "man I'm out of here" and he turned around and walked away. But that did not phase me. I stood there and looked at him as if he were George Clooney and I was his greatest fan, as he began to recite this gritty, real, beautiful poem. I stood in awe as I listened and when he was done I asked him if he would say it again and allow me to record it. He said yes as long as I didn't steal it, that it was copyrighted. I promised I wouldn't. So I listened again, recording a piece of this man's soul that the world may never know. Then I said goodbye and walked away. At the end of the night I was just broken and weeping for these people. I told my leaders how hopeless I felt and couldn't stop crying. Krystal said God had given me a grace of compassion for the homeless. At first, I felt confused because I feel called to minister to the elite of this nation, not the homeless. As the week went on, I seriously pondered what that might mean. 

The next night, my friend Rachel, was sharing her experience of the day prophesying over this waitress in a donut shop. Then my other friend Dorothee prophesied over her that this girl was homeless in the spirit. I knew God was talking to me. I realized that what I'm attracted to as far as ministry is homelessness, either natural or spiritual. I began to ask The Lord what spiritual homelessness looked like. Then he took me to my life. To be homeless, you have to have first had a home. I knew God as a girl; the Holy Sprit touched my heart, and I gave my heart to Jesus. But wrong ideas about the nature of God and myself led me to abandon that out of pain and desperation. It could mean that those who have the most in this world, that many of them, although wealthy in the natural, have an extreme poverty of the spirit. Perhaps it means those who once knew truth in part and then the world ripped it from their hands; maybe both, I'm not sure. But I know it when I see it because I was it. And that's the grace God has put on my life, to love those who have fallen away into darkness. 

One night we demonstrated honor to a church by setting up stations where we helped facilitate honor to one another, through knighting, the washing of feet, prophesying, prophetic art, etc. It totally shifted the atmosphere in the place and love filled the room. At another church, we spent the night there with the pastor. His hunger for the more of God was so great and his heart to serve was staggering. I danced with flags the first day we were there, something I've never done and I felt the atmosphere shift as a result. God has been speaking to me about me being a dancer. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl, but I disqualified myself because of my body type. He has been showing me the power of my dance to break strongholds in the spirit. Powerful revelation. 

The second to the last night we went to the Castro district of San Fran, this is the homosexual area of the city. A group of us went into this bar and began to worship and minister. IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN! At first some of us went to the small dance floor which was full of grinding same sex couples, mostly men. As we danced, the Holy Spirit was being released. There were probably 3 or 4 couples in the place making out, by the time we stopped dancing those couples had left the bar. The whole atmosphere in the place shifted. When we first came out there, there was this small platform place where these two guys were dancing. One of them grabbed my hand and pulled me up there, I thought to dance with me but he left me there. So I danced unto The Lord!! At one point there was this guy (dressed like a girl) on the dance floor by himself. Judah said he wanted to go minister but was afraid he'd think he was trying to hit on him. So I said, I'll go out there, and I did. I just started dancing and smiling - I leaned in and told him that he was beautiful, that he had an amazing aura around him that people felt safe in his presence. He began to open up. Steve came out and took him back to the table to buy him a drink so Judah and him could tag team. They prophesied over him and even exchanged contact info. It was amazing. I just want to say that this night really shifted things for me about what ministry looks like. I think heterosexual couples are in just as much need of the shifting of atmospheres, the love of the Father and the freedom the Holy Spirit brings as homosexuals are. All sexual sin is the same in God's eyes, and it all separates us from Him. I see clearly now how bringing love into every part of society is what we are called to. The days of calling out people's sin from the bleachers (is) needs to be over. We are to immerse ourselves into a world dying for identity, solutions, love and light, while staying connected to the source of it all. 

But I think the most powerful night was when Krystal shared her testimony from the pulpit. She had never shared it publicly before. It rocked the house, and me. Krystal had been through some pain in her life that I could really relate to. She talked about Jesus walking her out of that season as her husband. I was on the floor weeping for an hour after she was done. I knew there was pain in my heart I was keeping hidden from Jesus. A tiny bit of that pain was from past relationships, but the majority was pain from my brothers death. It was such a powerful experience. 

Since I've returned, Jesus has been speaking to me about me inviting him to be my husband. I thought I had already and was in that season, but the truth is, I have never been in a relationship where I felt safe under a man;'s covering, where I felt safe for them to lead or where I even allowed them to lead. And until I allow Jesus to show me how to be a good wife to him, I'm not ready to be anyone else's. I've been asking him practically how can I do this. I feel like he's asking me to ask him into the daily decisions that I make, the small decisions. So I'm trying to think what would it look like for me to invite him into these areas. 

I feel like he's saying, I am here for you and everything that you have to do I am here I want to help you - you don't have to make these decisions on your own or in your own strength alone. So I'm thinking of how I felt at different points in different relationships in the giddy phase when I'm so in love and so excited to be around that other person that I literally sit and wait for them to decide what it is that they want us to do in that moment. Here are some thoughts:

In the morning when I wake I roll over and I kiss them to say good morning what do you want to do today.

When we rise and dress together we decide what the day is going to look like we do it together because we can't stand to be apart from one another.

I hear Jesus saying I'm not like all the rest. When you need help with dishes and cleaning the house and paying the bills and fixing dinner, I'm here for you; invite me, invite me in to do these things with you and I will help you. You're not alone. You don't have to carry the weight by yourself. But more than that, I'm here to listen; I care about what's going on it your heart, I want to please you in every way and teach you to please me. If I'm going to lead you have to trust me to lead. 

I just realized that for years I've been inviting God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit to come and watch me do things but it's not often that I invite them to come and do things with me.  When it comes to the fun stuff I usually ask them to participate, but when it comes to the work I don't ask; I assume that I have to do it alone, that no one is ever going to help me with those things and that's just the way it is. Jesus is telling me that's not the way that I wanted it to be. I never intended for you to carry that part all by yourself. Regardless of marriage no marriage. Come and know me as the bridegroom who helps to make your burden light and easy. Come and know me as the passionate lover who cares about the things that you care about, who cares about helping, who is not just going to sit on the sidelines and watch you do it all by yourself. That is not the God that I am. Come, experience me as a God who works not just a God who is. 

I feel like too that God is speaking to me about individuality. Been working on my own for so long that I have lost the art of working well in a team. Don't feel like I'm part of the team, in my job feel like an outcast. My missions trip really changed that for me where I felt connected; I felt the power of coming under someone else's vision and authority and direction and I proved that I could be part of the team and it would be enjoyable and more rewarding than anything that I can accomplish on my own. I feel like Jesus is inviting me to experience teamship - what it means to partner with someone or a group to accomplish greater things than I can ever accomplish on my own. 

What does that look like God? What is it look like for me to dream in connection with the whole? Don't feel like I've found my group don't feel like I know yet where I'm going to be at after graduation so I don't know how to dream of those dreams outside of myself including others. Help me God, help me to dream in community to dream my dreams with others in mind. Help me to give you all my pain, my joy, my love, my passion. Help me to know you as the bridegroom; that it wouldn't just be a term I throw around, but that I would allow you to teach me about intimacy and trust and covering and how to be a woman and not taking control when it's not my turn to do that. I know that in order to experience the fullness of what you have for me, I have to learn this. And I want to. I want to know that I know that when I make the decision to be someone's wife that I have what it takes and frankly that they do too. You make me wise, Lord; I am the head, not the tail; you tell your friends what you're doing. There is no mystery you will not reveal to me if I seek it out from a pure, surrendered heart; including and especially the workings of my own heart.