I want to share with you what's been happening in my life the past few months. As you may or may not know, last year (in 1st Year BSSM), the Lord was walking me through fear and performance related to my career. All my life I saw my creative talents as a smorgasbord of things at my disposal to choose from in order to capitalize on to make money, which in and of itself is not bad except that I did so separate from God. In essence, I prostituted my talents for money. Since coming back to the Lord, I've walked through this journey of laying my gifts, talents and dreams down at his feet, where he then empowers me to pick them up again under his blessing and supervision. Last year the Lord was walking me through this process where I was facing the fear of loosing my job and the issue of my talents/career being a large portion of my identity.
I received a prophetic word from Shawn Bolz at the creative conference last April where he gave me a word that I was coming into a season of discovery where the Lord was putting no pressure of performance on me, that in this season I would carve out a whole new career for myself. That same day I lost my job and I've been walking through this journey of learning to trust my Father in heaven to love, care for and provide for my needs, wants and desires. Summer was great; I stepped out in faith and he rewarded me so generously.
But this fall, since I have been back to Redding, it's been this knock-down, drag-out fight for me to gain the things he promised me in that word. In the midst of terrible opposition, there has been extraordinary favor and provision from the Lord. Through it all, it has been this process of facing fear and the Lord overcoming on my behalf. Let me paint you a picture.
Over the summer I traveled back to the east coast, with no job or income, on faith. The Lord met me where I was at and always provided. It was a time of listening to his still, quiet voice and stepping out in faith that it was him speaking. I felt slight impressions all summer that God had said he was going to provide a house for us, but I had no idea what that would look like. I come back to Redding for 2nd Year, not knowing where I would live and knowing I had no money to go to school, let alone provide for my sons. I stayed with a friend the first 3 days, then I packed up my car (after basically living out of it since June) and headed to church. Before I got out of the driveway, I get a call from another friend that says God has put it on her heart to provide a home for me and the boys for this school year. When I rewind to think about what level of faith I had about what kind of home the Lord would provide for me, it wasn't much. I thought that maybe we'd get to live with other people for free, or that the place would be less than the place we stayed in last year. I had honestly prepared my heart for this meager provision of barely getting by that the Lord had for me. If you've seen pictures of the home I'm in now; it is truly the most expensive home I've ever lived in. I couldn't have afforded it if I still had my job. Another thing; I want you to know that being without a job was hard for me. I felt irresponsible deep down inside. When I had to depend on the kindness of others for the things I needed, it felt shameful and I battled thoughts of being less than; that being in need was bad and that I really couldn't and didn't want to have to depend on others. These were the main underlying emotions that began culminating in me through this whole process.
Even after I knew that I now had the cost of my rental covered, it took three weeks of fighting to get into it; as we went from place to place, week after week. I was exhausted from living out of a suitcase and my car for 4 months, I was unsure about where to put the boys in school because we didn't have our own address. Then it's a fight to get into school; a potential job offer comes my way right before the money came in I had this crisis not knowing whether or not God was going to show up to pay for school or if the dream was over and I now had to come back to reality and get a job. Those were honestly my thoughts. God's goodness up to that point had felt like a dream, one that would soon come crashing down. That's what life had taught me through experience, and that was what I expected to happen. But God showed up and the money came in for school.
The next few months I'm going through this process of barely scraping by. I've got money coming in now through unemployment, but it's not enough to pay my bills on time, so there's this constant tension of me trying to renew my mind in the truth that he's a good Daddy, that he's going to provide for me and my family and the reality of what I'm experiencing which is lack. I go back and forth between making the case for what God is going to do and building up a case against God for what he hasn't done. There were many times I felt as if I was bi-polar; one moment I'm at the highest high, connected to God's love for me and resting in his peace and joy, then I come crashing down onto the pavement of fear with waves of doubt and discouragement trying to overtake me.
I know what to do. Mind renewal. Mind renewal is the process by which we replace the lies we're believing with the truth of God's word. That truth can come through his word, the bible; it can come through prophetic words, encouragement, impressions and feelings connected to the Holy Spirit. So my process has been, as circumstance arises; I see fear come up and I recognize oh that's fear, that's not from God, so I chop it off in a sense and run over to this camp of declaring and waging war against those lies and replacing them with truth. And it would bring me to a place of peace and joy for a while. But I wasn't able to remain in this place.
For the past 3 weeks the tension in my life has been building and building. I was looking at the reality of my life and the situation I am in - no job, no money, unemployment ended, questioning whether or not I'd actually be able to stay in school. I began looking to tomorrow; looking forward at the impending doom of bills I couldn't pay and groceries I couldn't buy and I began to question everything. Had I heard God correctly in it all; was I really supposed to be in school, this lack I face is so big, how could I possibly expect him to provide, had I been irresponsible all along in stepping out? My case against the Lord's goodness had mounted so high that my attempts to renew my mind were failing miserably. Thursday before last I woke up from a horrible night's sleep, where I had actually been visited by the spirit of suicide, and after days of weeping, I went to my revival group and announced I was leaving school to get a job. They loved and supported me right where I was at and that was that.
The next day, my girlfriend says she feels like Matthew 6:25-34 is for me: 25)“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26)Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27)Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28)“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29)Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30)If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31)So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32)For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33)But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34)Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Now I've heard that verse a hundred times and I know theologically that's true. But what she said after hit me. She said something like you've been looking ahead at what's coming, you need to look behind to see what he's done. At first I was starting to unravel the mess, but later God began speaking to me about this:
Seek first His kingdom and righteousness; do not worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own. How do we seek the kingdom? By casting off every argument that raises itself against the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is Truth (in every circumstance), and the truth sets us free. The Lord was also speaking to me about community and what role we play in each other's lives.
Galatians 6:2-5 (NIV)
2)Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3)If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4)Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5)for each one should carry their own load.
In a recent bible study, Havilah talks about this verse and how the word "burdens" means "crushing load", and the word "load" means like a backpack. So basically, we are to help one another carry their crushing loads; but we each are responsible for carrying the day to day load of our life. Her point was that many in the body of Christ are so busy carrying other peoples daily loads, thinking that's biblical, when in fact that's keeping us tied up from being able to help each other with our crushing loads.
But God highlighted this to me: If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.
So many times I've thought of this verse as a warning against self pride (in fact other translations say if you think you're something when you're nothing instead of not); and I'm certain that it does indeed apply to that spectrum of thinking. But the Lord was actually showing me through this verse that me thinking less of myself than I ought to is equally deceptive. For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. What I think about myself, my situation and God has a profound affect on what my experience ends up being.
Fear is a manifestation of deception that I have agreed with; when I'm afraid I'm believing something that isn't true, either about myself, God and/or the situation. In the midst of challenging circumstances, we have been trained to use our past experiences and feelings to carve out our expectations. But the word tells us we are to seek His kingdom and righteousness first.
It doesn't say to ignore your past experiences and feelings.
It says to seek the kingdom FIRST; before you look at your past and your feelings. The kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy. So we are commanded to bring ourselves to a place of peace, joy and righteousness before we start to problem solve.
So I'm working through these revelations and I'm like well I have been doing mind renewal so what's the problem. Then the Lord showed me that I was indeed identifying lies and attempting to replace them with truth in my mind, but my feelings weren't coming into agreement because they were still frozen over in the fear. This case I had built up emotionally against the Lord was now exploding all over my life. When I tried my friend's approach of looking back to see what God has done, I saw and connected with the emotions of lack associated with those experienced FIRST before I then saw the breakthrough that came.
When I woke up that morning, 3 words were going through my mind, over and over: fears, lies and disappointments. I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me the missing piece was hidden in exploring these 3 things. So I began taking inventory of the things that were bothering me or making me afraid. I listed many of them already. In my attempt to cut off fear that I saw in my life, I actually didn't take the necessary time to acknowledge my emotions that were associated with fear. When I began to do that it was obvious how ridiculous the lies were that I had partnered with. I was able then to look at my prophetic words and piece together all the things the Lord's been speaking to me to reveal a whole new emotional space for myself to occupy, one that was confident in the Lord's promises and provision for me.
I just want to stop and say how grateful I am for the Lord's gentleness and kindness towards me during this time. I realized my circumstances weren't the problem, lack of money isn't the problem; the problem is who do I think I am and who do I think God wants to be for me. Different day. Same problem. My circumstances are here to help me build history with God. He doesn't create the bad but he's smart enough to use it to bring us closer to him. My circumstances were largely a result of the emotional baggage I have been carrying around about not being provided for. And every time a new circumstance would arrive, it would trigger the emotions of abandonment and lack related to the fear which crippled my faith and lowered my expectations of God's goodness in my life.
We can't think our way out of circumstances; nor can we feel our way out of them on our own. Only in partnership and friendship with the Godhead are we able to overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. During the conference Randy Clark was talking about when he prophesied over Heidi Baker. She was a burnt out missionary desperate for a touch from God. Randy prophesied over her, "Do you want the nation of Mozambique? She cried YES!" He laid his hands on her and the power of God threw her to the floor and ripped through her for days. But it's what he said about what happened after that called my spirit to attention. Over the next year, everything that happened seemed to be polar opposite of Randy's word. She and Roland got sick, so did 3 of her leaders. They lost a million dollars in funding support and their church buildings were taken away. That's when the light bulb went off for me. I knew that the circumstances sent against me were sent to test the word of God in my life. One other thing Randy said; he asked Heidi, would you have been able to go through all of that and still have faith if you had not been touched by the Lord in power? No, I certainly wouldn't have been able to she replied.
Once I dealt with my fear; exposed it, brought it out into the light, then I have been able to see the lies and speak truth and come back into a place of peace and joy. It's funny, I can't explain it except to say I have known all these things for some time now, but something happened that just triggered a deeper awareness of them. Back in a place of peace, I was able to look back on my life, reexamine the prophetic words, look at what the spirit has been saying to me, what have leaders spoken in my life, etc.
Either I believe God called me to Bethel or I don't. If I do, then, once God speaks on something in my life, I don't have the right to challenge that. Faith requires that I expect in that area going forward. Either I believe that God spoke through Shawn Bolz and said he was going to provide for me in this season of discovery or not. If I do, then I don't have a right to begin entertaining thoughts that aren't in line with that truth. This walk requires constant communion with Holy Spirit to hear not just what he has said but what he's saying.
I still don't have a job or income coming in; I still have bills that are due I can't pay and shut off notices I don't have money for. My circumstances haven't changed, but my heart has. I really know that he's a purposeful God, that I'm here for a reason that it's important that I'm here. I really know that this journey we are on together is all about me learning to trust him in every way, so that I can be totally surrendered to him. I can't fully give myself to someone I don't fully trust. Regardless of what happens, I know his plans for me are so much bigger than my wildest dreams, and that I can only get them in friendship with him. He is hell-bent on squeezing every bit of orphan out of me so that I can be his favored daughter. It's all about sonship. That's the goal, the price, the quest, the treasure. It's important to seek out experience of the Holy Spirit. God is power; we need his touch to mark us in new ways in order to be able to stand in faith in the midst of the storm. I was touched many times this week by the Lord, which has helped me turn things around in my heart. Twice this week on two different occasions, I encountered his peace gently rolling over my body over and over. I also felt electricity in my right hand going in to my elbow, then I felt sensations over my face where it felt like a heartbeat was on my face. These experiences weren't dramatic and overwhelming, but they were real. God is real, he's a person; he's intimate, he's a God of power. He's inviting us into this place of knowing through experience who he is. His nature is inexhaustible. And I must experience him more, at any price. Dignity, pride, false senses of security all crumble in his presence. All he asks is that I acknowledge and thank him when he touches me, no matter how great or small the touch is.
