"I started up the long flight of stairs to the upper rooms where the Bethel offices are, my heart beating out of my chest with excitement. 'I've never been up here before' I thought to myself. Uncharted territory. I walk to the end and meet Christine who welcomes me warmly into her tiny but fashionable cubicle. Yes, I nod, as she explains the Financial Responsibility / Payment Agreement form, committing me to a monthly amount I can't afford. I pen my John Hancock. But all I can focus on in the moment is the fact that I'm in. I'm finally in. Second year is here. And God came through."
I'm gonna step out on a limb here and be prophetic and declare that this will be the theme of this year for me.... God came through!! I can't fully describe what this journey has been for me. First year was all about me, establishing my identity as a daughter in the kingdom. Wading in the deeper waters of God's love and purposes for me... beginning to believe that God's intentionality towards me is much greater than I could have ever imagined. So many lies broken off, so many truths put in their proper order as bad theology falls to the waist side. The only up side to having walked away from the church for 20 something years is that there's less skewed truths to unlearn. But the world has taught me instead, branding its own versions of purpose and truth, not any better and arguably worse than the alternative. But no more. The accuser has been silenced in my mind, he no longer has any ammunition in which to accuse God to me. And I now know that the constant accusations that go before my God about me from the enemy have never made a dent in his fierce love for and relentless pursuit of me. I am his and he is mine. Every dark night of hell I've ever walked through pales in comparison to the glory of being a daughter of the Most High King. Selah.
I would say the prophesy from Shawn Bolz is what did it for me. Gabe talked in school today about the still quiet voice of the Lord; and that's a good thing, and I want to be so aware of his presence that I can discern the smallest whisper from his direction. But this prophetic word was the opposite of a still quiet voice; God shouted to me from the highest rooftops!! He let me know very publicly that I am known; I am important; that he is jealously watching over his promises to me; that my family matters to him. There's nothing to compare to a moment like that, aside from seeing his face, which I know is coming. Selah. This word was like a lightening bolt straight to my physical body, my soul and my spirit all in one - it zapped me to attention. It took me from half ass knowing and believing that God was 100% behind me no matter what to absolute certainty. And yet as I confess that, I know there are yet greater levels of this revelation for me to experience. His rhema word for my life catapulted me forward into my destiny.
Part of the prophetic word was about how I was coming into a new season of discovery, where God was not putting any pressure of performance on me, where I would enjoy long life and enjoy this discovery process which would lead me into a new career. That very same day I lost my job of 11 years. God is so intentional; there are no coincidences. This was the very word I was to use to stir up my faith for the next several months and beyond. In addition to this prophetic word, God has been speaking to me through repeating numbers on the clock. I have researched the word and documented the correlating scriptures. I have to be real with you; it was so scary stepping out and deciding to travel back east without a job and with my two sons to care for. But I knew that I knew God was calling me to do it, and I wanted to so bad. It was the most uncomfortable thing I've done so far, and yet through it all, this unshakable peace was over me. Every time someone would question me, God would show me a number; and I'd be like, NO!! This is what God has said, this is what I am going to stand on!! I knew I wasn't alone, that he was with me. And if he's with me, who can be against me?
So I did it all; traveled and came back to Redding with no job and no home and no money. I kept feeling all summer like the Lord was going to provide me and my sons a home, but I had no idea what that would look like. I also felt like he was bringing forth my patron of the arts, which was a prophetic word from Cindy Jacobs for my creative class. These weren't shouts from the rooftops this time, but nudges; momentary thoughts; quiet impressions within my being, not totally sure what the source was. So I would ask myself, is God good? Is his greatest desire for me to trust him? Is his desire to bless me greater than my desire to be blessed? Is he intentional? Can I trust him? What's my history with him in this area? And those were the questions that would cause great faith rise up in me to believe for the impossible. I stayed 3 days at a friend's house and then left out, heading to church, not knowing where me and my sons would stay that night. That's when the phone call came. What you say? God inspired you to cover housing costs for me and my sons the entire school year? For how much a month? $2,000 a month? And God wants ME to pick out the place, huh. You. have. got. to. be. kidding. Wow. Above and beyond all I could ask or think. The house we are in now, I couldn't afford if I still had my job. What is this? It's grace.
Let me tell you about grace. It's scandalous. Why is it scandalous, you ask? Because it's offensive. Even the most mature, seasoned believers I've seen react with some measure of offense. You see, it's offensive that I get for free what others have worked an entire life for. It offends everything we know about hard work and reward and paying our dues and dotting all the "i's" and crossing all the "t's". Hell, if I'm honest, it would probably offend me. I've had many moments of uncomfortability for sure. But I circle back around to, "what are you doing God? What are you saying here? And I see the repeating numbers blinking at me on the clock, and I hear his still, quiet voice whisper, "I'm jealously guarding your promised land; I never take my eyes off it".
This Sunday's message from Kris shook me to the core. It really did. You know that comment I made earlier where I said that Shawn's prophesy over me took me from half knowing to fulling believing in God's intentionality towards me? Well, that was true until this message Sunday. Then that greater measure of revelation I was talking about happened. I felt as if it erased every doubt I had towards God wanting to provide for me. Let me explain. You know the prophetic word from Cindy I mentioned about the patrons of the arts coming forth, right? Well, I realized when I heard Kris's message, that I'd been standing in two camps; one camp is this declaring and believing for God to do it; the other camp is iffyland. Iffyland is that place where all the buts and what ifs come out. But what about this? What if it's not God's will? What if you're in presumption? Etc. The truth is there was this internal battle taking place, where half of me was sure God was speaking these things, that he wanted to break off performance and fear related to provision and my career, and that he was going to provide for me. The other half were all the voices: you need a job; it's irresponsible for you to not have a job when you have two boys to take care of; there's no free ride; you need to take care of you. I even felt that people who were supporting me secretly felt this way, I could feel it in our conversations. What Kris's message did for me (if you haven't heard it you totally need to!) was utterly convince me that for good, bad and ugly, God is for me; and he's for me to the extent that I allow him to be.
What do I mean? Let's say that it wasn't God's plan for me to come back to Bethel. But let's say that I so believed it was and so wanted to that I stepped out in faith believing God to show up. If I think about this logically, through the lens of God is good, then even if I get it wrong, I have a good daddy who's got my back, who is going to show up for his little girl who needs him, right? But most of us don't go there. Instead we say if we're wrong and out of God's will then he will withhold his blessing from us. Now stay with me for a minute; I know this is a slippery slope here, and I'm well aware there is a precedence for this. What I'm trying to get at is that for much of the body of Christ that I've observed, the will of God for our lives becomes this illusive, just out of our reach thing that God dangles ten steps in front of us. How is that a good God? That sounds like manipulation to me. If God wanted to manipulate us, why did he put two trees in the garden and not one?
My point being, using my situation as an illustration, I believe God showed up in such an extravagant way for me because I believed, I trusted, and I stepped out. I think that when we do that with a pure heart, holding his promises loosely in our hands, keeping a clean heart free from offense if he doesn't show up in the way we think he will, that he can't help himself but to show up to show himself strong. This whole thing of striving to figure out his will for our lives is toil straight from hell. It's not of God. Yes, there is required of us this process of discovery of ourselves and of God to begin to hear his voice; but there's not this obtuse objective he has for you that's so far removed from the desires of your heart that you have no clue. God made you. He put every desire in your heart from your favorite sports team to the big stuff. He intended that to be his fool-proof plan that leads us straight to him, not away. He likes the dreams we have and the ideas and the quirky thing we do when we're nervous or embarrassed. He loves how he made us.
And I believe that to the degree that I believe that, to the point that I step out in great boldness, willing to look foolish or get it wrong; and to the degree that I agree with the greatness he dreamed about when he made me - agreeing with these in greater measure gives me access to him, to his wealth and riches and gifts and goodness in greater measure. That's my theory anyway; that's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'll let you know how it turns out. ;-)
